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+--- Thread: I hate the mall (/showthread.php?tid=8989)
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- The Jays - 05-21-2004
When I go to a mall, my goal is speed. Once I enter the doors, I dart past the teenagers huddled in front of Applebees, counting how many quarters it will take to buy a bowl of fries that 15 people can share, and dodge the small demon children that wail and run and attempt to kick my shins as their moms stand around chattering with their fat celluloid ridden asses that give new meaning to the word stretch pants and their hideous thongs sticking halfway out their backs letting the world know that not only do they have kids, but they have them because they are sluts with low self esteem and use ugly men to fill their lives with some shred of hope and meaning, and I attempt to get to Old Navy to get a pair of jeans.
It's on the second floor. Fuck. I can only hope for smart people to be on the escaltor.
I feel that all escalators should no longer be installed in buildings.
The point for escalators in malls is efficiency. When you step on one of them, the hope is that you CONTINUE TO WALK once you step onto them, thus cutting the time it takes to negotiate a vertical or horizontal distance in half.
Unfortunatly, this is not what our society believes. People seem to think that any such machinery that doesn't charge people for its use must be some sort of free amusement device, where you just stand their and let it do all the work. And so, what do you get? Fat stupid people moving at 2 mph up a stair, not using a single muscle.
I have hope. But, as we all know, hope royally sucks, and as I attempt to race up the escalator, I am stopped in my tracks by the parade of morons that are standing on the treads. And heaven forbid I try and move past their spot on the escalator, for I will get the bitch who kisses her teeth and says "You in a hurry?" or "Why you WALKING up the escalator?" as they block me with their lard bellies from the five children who are climbing on top of the moving handrail and periliously hanging on for dear life. The same people who spend half the time in the mall at the food court, eating Cinabons.
Now, on a side note, Cinnabons are like manna from heaven, I won't lie. But, the only proper time to eat one is at the begining of a trip through the mall. One Cinnabon is like five Red Bulls, I can attain the speed of a gazelle within five minutes of consumption. However, my metally challenged mall counterparts would rather spend half the day eating a box of Cinnabons rather than actually moving.
I get upstairs finally, and have to weave my way through various couples who are strolling along like it's a walk on the fucking beach, groups of youths who are playfully beating the shit out of one another in front of Foot Locker, and old people who have been brough to the mall for exercise.
My weaving quickly ends, and I am forced to stop in my tracks because of a group of black people. They move like snails. And they instinctively know how to ensure that any attempt for me to pass them will be unsuccessful (RACISM PERHAPS???) I am forced to take an alternate, as if the walkway was the BQE, and the black people are a jackknifed tractor trailer.
I have to go past Hot Topic, where all the REAL creative and independent thinking goth peple go to buy their commercial anti-establishment goods. At the rate I am moving at, I average one chick store every 5 seconds. I know its a chick store BECAUSE IT SELLS THE SAME FUCKING CLOTHING AS THE 20 OTHER CHICK STORES IN THE MALL. WHAT THE FUCK?? HOW MANY TIMES MUST CHICKS WALK AROUND STARING AT THE SAME FUCKING CLOTHING THEY ARE CURRENTLY WEARING?? And when these chicks arent staring at clothing, they are bitching about some bullshit some guy did to them, and analyzing every fucking aspect of why this guy did what he did. Guess what? Guys don't think to much about their actions. If they did, they would be gay. That's what gay people are; guys who think like chicks. If some guy fucked you over, it's because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Get over it. Stop blocking my fucking path to Spencer's Gifts.
Spencer's Gifts. There's one in every mall. I must always go in this store. Why? Because I need to see if any cum stains show up on my jeans from jerking off earlier in the day under black light, and to see all the new OLD FART and OVER THE HILL merchandise that just came in. Seriously, if there comes a day where you actually consider buying an OLD FART hat for a friend, buy a gun instead. or arsenic.
The coffee place. Ugh. I don't mind the smell of coffee. I do mind the stench of burnt, shitty, overprices crap that will melt my fucking tongue because THEY HEAT IT TO TEMPERATURES AT WHICH STEEL WILL BEGIN TO DEFORM. It's a fucking terrible mixture of all the worst flavors of coffee known to man, and it's numbing the insides of my nostrils like ammonia. And then I have this stench of bad coffee on my clothing for the rest of the day, just from zooming past this terrible place.
Then the fucking cookie stand. Look, if you go to the mall and buy a cookie, you deserve the STD you got.
There are the three big stores in the mall; Sears, Macy's and JC Pennys. You only need to go into one of them, because they each carry that same shitty merchandise, offer the same unique home furnishings, and the same crappy power tools. Sometimes, you can't avoid them, because parking sucks outside, so you have to park near one of them, and their doors are closer, so you have to wade through the 25 forty year old women trying to spray you with Shalomar, the gay kid trying to help you pick out ties and dress shirts, the hot ass chicks who think they are the shit because they help manage Sears and thus won't talk to you, and the fucking customers, which include the mom with the double stroller and ONE TODDLER (so she can use the other chair to carry her fucking bags) and the hapless shmuck of a father who hates his life and his credit rating.
Going to a music store is truely a pointless exercise. It's only use is to buy gifts for parents and relatives who don't understand how to download music. Luckily, they have started to sell dvd's. Unluckily, they sell mostly Corey Haim movies and overpriced, non-bonus featured dvds which have just the movie, and the movie has always been modified to fit your television screen.
Electronics Boutique sucks royal ass. All the games I might want to buy are behind the counter, out of sight enough for me to have to ask if they carry the title and have them LIE TO ME. See, because it's hidden. BEHIND THE FIFTEN BAZILLION FUCKING PACKS OF YU GI OH TRADING CARDS WHAT THE FUCK WHO GOES TO VIDEO GAME STORES TO BUY 7 DOLLAR PACKS OF CARDS WITH ANIME CHARACTERS ON THEM??????
Oh, it must be THE FIFTEEN BAZILLION FAT CRATER FACED NERS WITH THE JAPANESE SHIRTS AND THE KICKING B.O. THAT CROWD THE FUCKING STORE LIKE ITS 6AM ON THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING.
So, I need to pick up some cash and make a check deposit at my bank, HSBC. There are only two on the island; one is one a road that requires an eleborate sequence of turns and back roads in order to get to it, and the other is in the mall. Being in the mall, of course, means that all the tellers have to be FUCKING DOUCHEBAGS like every other clerk, and when I go to customer service, I have to deal with ANOTHER FUCKING DOUCHEBAG who obviously got his associates in BEING A DOUCHEBAG from the DOUCHEBAG SCHOOL OF BUSINESS FOR PEOPLE THAT ALMOST FAILED HIGH SCHOOL.
I finally leave the mall 20 minutes after i have arrived. A new record.
- HedCold - 05-21-2004
i stand on the escalator sometimes, but i stand off to the side so people can get by. thats how it should be, one side for the walkers and one side for the standers, like a passing lane on the highway
- IrishAlkey - 05-21-2004
I love the mall.
- HedCold - 05-21-2004
i like to make a snide comment when i walk past the people standing by the escalator, like "yea this is a good place to stand"
that shows 'em!
- IrishAlkey - 05-21-2004
You don't enjoy hating humanity if you don't find joy in being at a mall.
It's a microcosm of all that we stand for as a hateful group of individuals. Countless hours of private, endless mocking of the scum of the world... it's heaven. And the teenage girls wear really short skirts you can look up while you're walking on the bottom level. And the blacks in footlocker who have to wear the prison bars shirts don't even realize the hilarity of it.
- HedCold - 05-21-2004
why would you even consider buying a cd or dvd in one of those stores in the mall? thats why best buy is across the street
- IrishAlkey - 05-21-2004
I agree with that. The stores in the mall are way overpriced when it comes to that shit.
But who the fuck mentioned that in this thread?! TEENAGE GIRLS IN SHORT SKIRTS, MAN! WAKE UP!
- HedCold - 05-21-2004
jays mentioned it in his first post
- IrishAlkey - 05-21-2004
I skimmed.
- HedCold - 05-21-2004
don't worry, you didn't miss any mentions of teenage girls in short skirts
- IrishAlkey - 05-21-2004
Says a lot about him, don't it.
- HedCold - 05-21-2004
he was filled with too much post-teen angst to notice it
the staten island mall can do that to you
jersey malls are much more pleasing to that sort of thing
- Goatweed - 05-21-2004
seriously, the SI Mall is the worst mall ever. The young hotties are it's only saving grace.
He's right about those darkies that slow up the walking process, I don;t get that - like 6 of them, and they walk slow as hell, all in a line cutting off the entire path. The best are the ones with hkids in carriages, and the kids constantly dropping shit on the floor, causing the whole flock of them to stop to pick it up every 5 seconds.
EB is a decent game store if you have coupons.
All SI Mall food sucks - Applebee's being the worst.
I agree with the Sears/Macys/Penneys assesment, but a lot of times you can get clothes cheaper at Sears.
Hot Topic should be burnt down.
Anyone who even entertains the thought of buying a DVD or a CD at aby store in any Mall is a jackass.
Cinnabons are indeed tasty.
- Mad - 05-21-2004
Quote:I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those fucking mallrats. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out and act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agendas.
Another reason why we should have access to fully automatic weapons.
- Black Lazerus - 05-21-2004
We do it on purpose, it's funny to us. I do it, but i would gladly move if someone would have the balls to ask.
- Goatweed - 05-21-2004
I'd have the balls to ask if I didn't feel like I was gonna get jumped by all 6 of you if I asked...
- Sweet Angel - 05-21-2004
I also hate the mall for all the above reasons. Young girls in short skirts hold no appeal for me. The closest mall to me is one level and fairly wide, which makes things somewhat easier to navigate. Still and all, I don't think I've been there since right after Christmas. And yes, Cinnabons are the bestest.
- Keyser Soze - 05-22-2004
the neiman marcus cafe is pure heaven
- crx girl - 05-22-2004
i've never had a cinnabon. and the mall always makes me sleepy
- HedCold - 05-22-2004
i'm all about auntie ann's sour cream and onion pretzels