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| Posted By | Discussion Topic: How To Shoot An Ass | ||||
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| Sparkey | posted on 03-06-2001 @ 6:46 PM |    | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 01  | Okay. I can see it now. Best Ass Contest, Day 2. Lots of girls calling up saying, "I want to come in for a reshoot! My ass looks too big! That's not what my ass really looks like! I demand a reshoot!" So in an attempt at a preemptive strike, here is my advice on How To Shoot An Ass: The short version: IF THE CAMERA HAS A ZOOM LENS, GET FURTHER BACK AND USE IT! IF NOT, SHOOT FROM FAR AWAY ANYWAY, AND THEN CROP IN TIGHTER WITH THE COMPUTER AFTER-THE-FACT. The long version: I don't know exactly what camera the boys are using, but I assume it is a digital point-and-shoot camera. Most point-and-shoot cameras have wide angle lenses (so you can get all your friends in the picture without having to back up too far). This means that in order to fill the frame with the ass of just one person, you have to get pretty close. Big Problem. Getting close to an object with a wide angle lens distorts the image, causing it to look bigger and rounder than it is in real life. (Or, if you're shooting boobs, it might make them look like they are sloping too far to the sides, etc... see Best Boobs Contest for examples) So to get a more true-to-life picture of an ass, get further back and zoom in on it (many digital cameras have at least a digital zoom, if not an optical zoom). If you don't have a zoom feature, you're still better off shooting an ass from further away. I know, this will make the ass kinda small in the frame. So use the computer later to crop in tighter and blow it up to a larger size (if the camera doesn't have a high resolution, it won't be quite as sharp an ass, but it will be shaped more true-to-life). (So many of those Best Boobs entries would have looked much better shot from further away with a zoom lens) And then, of course, put them all up on the web site for us to judge. I say nothing, of course, about makeup or other tricks to hide blemishes, etc, because we are after all meant to judge the asses on their natural beauty and aesthetic, right? And I think through trial-and-error with the Boobs Contest, the guys figured out a lighting scheme that works just fine, so I won't bother touching on that. But as a Professional Photographer, I figured I would at least offer those words of advice, in the hopes of lessoning some headaches later. -Sparkey | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 03-06-2001 @ 7:03 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | Thank You Felix Unger, next maybe you can explain how to shoot and ass f. Do you know how pale & wanton thrillful comes death on a strange hour unannounced, unplanned for like a scaring over-friendly guest you've brought to bed Death makes angels of us all & gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws --Jim Morrison (An American Prayer) | ||||
| Sparkey | posted on 03-06-2001 @ 7:07 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 01 | Sure thing. First, get a gun. Second, point it at GonzoStyle. Third, pull the trigger. -Sparkey (sorry... had to take it) | ||||
USA Autoban Head Slap... Swim Move... | posted on 03-06-2001 @ 7:28 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Oct. 00 | Hey Sparkey, Welcome to the list.  Mentor to Snakebite and Whoremoan Little Salad Tossers: Lloyd Dobler and Jake Ryan  I have abducted Shot Girl as my newbie | ||||
I Need An Old Priest And A Young Priest | posted on 03-06-2001 @ 7:35 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | I have another way to shoot an Ass. Camera, girls ass, push button. Sorry was the too simple?  My adapted newbie that now has graduated: skitchr4u | ||||
| Drunk Boy | posted on 03-06-2001 @ 9:34 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | quote: I have a feeling you are going to be a lot more sorry!  Fyfetallica Is My Newbie | ||||
| schnecter | posted on 03-07-2001 @ 12:07 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Oct. 00 | ummm, yes. look at my unfounded title. "great poets die in steaming pots of shit" -buk This message was edited by schnecter on 3-7-01 @ 12:09 AM | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 03-07-2001 @ 3:39 AM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | Nah sparkey not at all, i enjoyed your witty reply. Don't mind them they are wacky. Schnecter you're almost out of the barrel so keep up being nicey nice. And don't worry about a status change.....brb Do you know how pale & wanton thrillful comes death on a strange hour unannounced, unplanned for like a scaring over-friendly guest you've brought to bed Death makes angels of us all & gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws --Jim Morrison (An American Prayer) | ||||
| njstrawberry | posted on 03-07-2001 @ 10:32 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Feb. 01 | Well, Sparkey you're little description under your name is great...I see you acquired one quickly...hmmm some impression you have made in 40 some odd posts... ohhh next time you are up your own ass can you look for my watch. WORD FROM THE WISE BI: "PEACH is good...PEACH is your friend...When you see PEACH...Do as I do...Don't just stare at it...EAT IT!"  XoXoXoXo - Place the kisses where you wish | ||||
| knock411 | posted on 03-07-2001 @ 10:37 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Oct. 00 | HMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! | ||||
| Grumpy SAGILLID The Midget Message Board Mauler rides his trusty mount Wilbur once again!! Internet Idiots beware!! | posted on 03-07-2001 @ 11:25 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Dec. 00 | NJStraw - the record stands at 1 post. LMMFAO - Of all the people he could pick on, he chooses the kid touching psycho mod. Nice job there sparkey. What's next? Cursing at the board owner?  Do you think I really care? | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 03-07-2001 @ 5:23 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | who me psycho? [mother soprano vouice] I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!! [/mother soprano voice] Ohh njstaw i think as of now, no one will get in the way of your watch as well with his updated status. Do you know how pale & wanton thrillful comes death on a strange hour unannounced, unplanned for like a scaring over-friendly guest you've brought to bed Death makes angels of us all & gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws --Jim Morrison (An American Prayer) | ||||
| 1st Sgt. Fil Stand up straight Stomach in Shoulders back SOUND OFF!!! | posted on 03-07-2001 @ 7:51 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | Ya wanna know how to shoot an ass? it's this simple... 1. Place ass in front of target. 2. Get ass to smile. 3. Get out the M1A1 Abrams with the 120mm gun. 4. Load up a white phosphorous round in the gunbreech. 5. Aim and Fire. That's how to shoot an ass. Oh wait, I thought you were talking about an asshole that'll complain about the ass contest. What makes you look over here? What are you, queer?  The NCO club: SSGT. Jbravo17, SGT BigBlackFez, SGT.URoverWHEREnow and CPL. O+A Armyman | ||||
| Sparkey | posted on 03-07-2001 @ 9:22 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 01 | Wow. A new description. Finally no longer just a hanger-on. *sniff* I'm really honored. *wiping tear* I finally feel like I'm part of the group. *sniff*. You mods are the best, man. Oh, and njstrawberry: I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your watch. When it finally came out it was so brown and smelly, I thought it was your old lady's douche bag and I threw it away. *shrug* How was I to know? -Sparkey | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 03-07-2001 @ 10:16 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | Sparkey you have been knighted a member of the family now go and make us proud... oh boy i hope this don't get too ugly. Do you know how pale & wanton thrillful comes death on a strange hour unannounced, unplanned for like a scaring over-friendly guest you've brought to bed Death makes angels of us all & gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws --Jim Morrison (An American Prayer) | ||||
| Drunk Boy | posted on 03-08-2001 @ 8:51 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | Sparkey is keeping things in his ass now???? I lost my Bottle Opener, if you see it up there, let me know. I don't want it back, I just want to know if you were "hiding" it from me. Damn non-twist bottles! Fyfetallica Is My Newbie | ||||
| Xyren | posted on 03-08-2001 @ 9:11 AM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Mar. 01 | So how is it? y'know shooting it up the ass... does it hurt? HA HA you're a gurl! | ||||
| Sparkey | posted on 03-08-2001 @ 3:40 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 01 | Sorry, Drunk Boy. I found a can opener, a lemon peeler, a cheese grater, a potato skinner, and an old boot. But no bottle opener. But all ass-fishing aside, and even with my new description and everything... I still stand beside my original advice, way up at the top of this thread. I just hope someone heeds it, because come ass contest time, I don't wanna be staring at any more ugly asses than I have to. Mark my word. -Sparkey | ||||
| STATIC SHOCK | posted on 03-08-2001 @ 5:00 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Feb. 01 | First, you have to hit it between the eyes with a 2x4 to get its attention. Then you can take the picture. | ||||
| Calm Your Nut | posted on 03-08-2001 @ 5:08 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Nov. 00 | sparky put it best thats what is gonna happen.  Proud to watch over "Mud Juice and Drunken GW" This message was edited by Calm Your Nut on 3-8-01 @ 5:09 PM | ||||
| Sparkey | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 5:05 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 01 | I don't want to say I told you so... but... | ||||
| Cranky Ass | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 5:34 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Feb. 01 | If its worth anything Sparky, your post "cracked" me up. C'mon Gonzo, the guy put some real effort into that one. ________________  | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 6:19 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | ok then i give an A for effort. They are waiting to take us into the severed garden Do you know how pale & wanton thrillful comes death on a strange hour unannounced, unplanned for like a scaring over-friendly guest you've brought to bed Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws --Jim Morrison (An American Prayer) | ||||
| Sparkey | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 6:48 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 01 | Gee, thanks, Gonzo. So now I've gotten an A for effort to go along with the lame description under my name. And all for what? We still don't have any good ass pics! *sigh* -Sparkey | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 6:53 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | quote: Ohh so now it's lame well i'm sure i will come up with something much better for you then. They are waiting to take us into the severed garden Do you know how pale & wanton thrillful comes death on a strange hour unannounced, unplanned for like a scaring over-friendly guest you've brought to bed Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws --Jim Morrison (An American Prayer) | ||||
Displaying 1-25 of 25 messages in this thread. |