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| Posted By | Discussion Topic: is 911 a joke in your town?????????? | ||||
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...And now the battle between us and them has begun. JYD-4-LIFE. | posted on 10-08-2001 @ 11:50 AM |    | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: May. 00  | this was originally run on 9/11 but for obvious reasons didnt get much press. just read it the other day and i think it is quite funny. i just love the first example, and i swear i saw it itn a bugs and daffy cartoon once. just goes to show you how stupid some people in the world actually are... Another guy called 911 with a most peculiar feeling. "I went out to dinner and brought home my leftover pizza," he told the dispatcher "But I left it in the car, and this morning … it was soggy … It tasted kind of funny, so I went back out to the car and noticed that the antifreeze had spilled onto my pizza. Is that dangerous?" It's time to appreciate the only number you need to remember when everything goes wrong. The brave network of 911 dispatchers across the country field some 250,000 calls each day. It would be impossible to measure the value of the public service they provide. And it would be equally hard not to laugh hysterically at the stories they tell, as recounted in Leland Gregory's What's the Number for 911 Again? (Andrews McMeel). 911 operators keep records of their work, and Gregory has plowed through hours of recordings to come up with the best stuff. As the co-author of America's Dumbest Criminals , Gregory has a knack for turning public documents into true-life comedy. "A lot of the best stuff, 911 operators send to me," he says. He leaves out names and identifying information. And that probably saves him a fortune in liability suits. Who would want to be known as the guy who called 911 to ask, "Can my woman refuse to let me shower with her?" "I guess some people will say things to their 911 operator that they'd be too embarrassed to tell a therapist," Gregory says. Others seem to dial 911 because they're lonely and emotionally fragile: "The manager of the hotel yelled at me. My self-esteem has been damaged and I'm humiliated." And there are always those metaphysical emergencies: "If I start losing my memory, how will I know?" 911 operators are sworn to keep a straight face and take all calls seriously, even when someone says, "Yeah, there's a moose running around out here with an Easter basket stuck around his neck." Really, almost anything can happen. To save a choking potbellied pig, a 911 operator had to talk a caller through "mouth-to-snout" resuscitation. Luckily, the operator was also a veterinarian. If you're looking for one of those "only in America" moments, how about this call: "Yes, this is the 7-Eleven, I want to report some juveniles sucking on the Slurpee machine." To puritanical Americans, the mere hint of sex might seem like an emergency. Folks have called 911 to complain that their neighbor's bed is "squeaking too damn loud." And another caller complained, "There is a snow sculpture outside my apartment [with] gross exaggeration of certain male parts we all find obscene." Other Americans encounter 911 with their pants down and their dignity flapping in the breeze. One unfortunate fellow got stuck in the swimming pool while seeking sexual pleasure from the vacuum intake line. That suction turned out to be a little too strong. A security guard called 911 laughing hysterically, telling the dispatcher: "He's got his privates stuck in the pump line … He's been in there for three hours … It's got to be shriveled up like hell." The dispatcher says: "You're the night clerk. You can't keep laughing." Gregory calls this passage "Free Willy." Of course, 911 gets a good deal of crank calls. In Port Charles, Fla., Ron Vanname called 911 from a telephone booth nine times in a 16-minute period and said some unrepeatable things. He eventually got arrested for making obscene phone calls. "Calling 911 is free," Gregory says. "This guy was compulsive and cheap, not to mention a fast-fingered dialer." These days cranks are easier to catch. "Most cities have an enhanced form of 911 that automatically traces the call back to its origin and puts it on a display for the operator. If there is a quick hang-up or crank call, they Know where it's coming from." Of course, so many folks have 911 set on speed dial that there are still a lot of false alarms. One couple knocked a bedside phone off the hook while they were in throes of hot sex. A 911 dispatcher heard moaning and screaming in the background, and figured somebody might be bound and gagged and desperately calling for help. The police snapped into action, responding to a "possible assault in progress." In the same manner, a cat and a tomato also called 911 in similar fashion. Once a 8-year-old Irish setter named Lyric called 911, but this pooch really meant it. Her owner, Judi Bayly, had suffered an asthma attack and couldn't wake up. After licking Bayly's face failed to revive her, Lyric got worried and called for help. "It's amazing," said Charlene Hall, a dispatcher at Nashua Fire and Rescue in New Hampshire. "The dog is trained to go over and hit that phone three times to get 911 and she barks into the receiver." Lyric is a specially trained medical assistance dog and emergency workers say that day she saved a life and, most certainly, earned her kibble. One should remember that calling 911 is sometimes a public service, done for the benefit of others. One elderly male caller reported, "There's a woman over here doing some yard work in one of thong bikinis." "Sir," said an exasperated dispatcher, "911 is an emergency number. What do you expect the police to do about a woman in a thong bikini?" "Nothing," the guy said, "Just thought you fellows would like to know."  Across the field you see the sky ripped open See the rain through a gaping wound Pounding on the women and children Who run Into the arms Of America-U2 This message was edited by Faceman on 10-8-01 @ 12:04 PM | ||||
| Ants in My Pants Billy Prettiest Butterfly in the garden All Blow job poems ©Fez 2002-2003. I'm obsessed with Alkey's penis. | posted on 10-08-2001 @ 1:25 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Apr. 01 | quote:Is that Gonzo's new name for it?  "Ants in my pants, it was bigger than an elephant... I swear it was this big!" | ||||
| 2 tired 2 give N F One of the Teen Tomatoe Boys is Retarted... Guess which one I am!!! | posted on 10-08-2001 @ 2:25 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | quote: Now that's funny...  Don't worry about the future.Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind. The kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday. | ||||
| Canweseeyourstuff | posted on 10-08-2001 @ 2:28 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | quote: we need more concerned citizens like this  | ||||
| King f-tard | posted on 10-08-2001 @ 3:16 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Feb. 01 | quote: I wonder that all the time too.  | ||||
Pompous, Arrogant, Enigmatic, Bitter, Quirky, Misanthrope with a Weird Sense of Humor and an Iron Clad Memory while flooding the board with my Stream of Consciousness UFC STRIKE 3 (I'm a dick and I like to ruin people's plans) | posted on 10-08-2001 @ 4:33 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Aug. 00 | I liked your threads better when it was a simple choice between Wise and Ruffles... Funny how ev'rything was roses When we held on to the guns Write To Me Here AIM: SmarterChild
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| red rocket Secret Sex Chat | posted on 10-08-2001 @ 4:42 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Aug. 01 | Where's Flavor Flave when you need him. He probably is in jail. God Bless The USA. | ||||
| TimCR125 | posted on 10-08-2001 @ 8:59 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Aug. 01 | This is the O.J. Simpson 911 Comedy Tape! Order yours now! | ||||
| slackjaw The Cunt-Twat is my WORLD! The Great Pumpkin | posted on 10-08-2001 @ 9:04 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | quote: Like that's a choice? Make Herr's yours Slash! :)  Currently newbieless...unbelieveable! | ||||
| Opie's Sack Lunch | posted on 10-08-2001 @ 9:29 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jun. 01 | I'm not sure how the service is in my area, I havent bashed anyone's skull in with a bowling ball to merit a call. stay tuned. | ||||
| Joe Soprano | posted on 10-08-2001 @ 9:43 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | quote: Don't forget Lay's!   <---- Kiss me helmet. | ||||
| Tequila Fez claims this land in the name of Portugal! Why worry about the train if it never makes it around the tracks?? IrishAlkey wuz here!!! | posted on 10-08-2001 @ 9:48 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Jan. 01 | quote: I thought the same thing when I read the topic quote: Dont forget Pringles  A NEW DAY OF INFAMY MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH THE FAMILY & FRIENDS OF LOST ONES | ||||
| King f-tard | posted on 10-09-2001 @ 12:18 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Feb. 01 | Dont forget UTZ. | ||||
Displaying 1-13 of 13 messages in this thread. |