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| Posted By | Discussion Topic: Chili tasting joke | ||||
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| SpiritOfDirt | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 12:31 PM |    | |||
| Psychopath Registered: May. 01  | -- Say a prayer for judge #3. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! (I don't really know :)) I hear they actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will most likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud! INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, whom was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili would not be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic, Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili? FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)  THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN ISOLATED .......Proud graduate of the Spitfire421 school of altered reality....... | ||||
| ClusterF@#$ | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 12:35 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | Anxiously awaiting punchline from Chili #9.
I've adopted JohnSlack as my newbie- AIM CHRIS052076 | ||||
| MaynardGKrebs | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 12:35 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Jan. 01 | I was gonna read this post, but then I saw that it was longer then Moby Dick. | ||||
| danked Dankarella! | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 12:37 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Aug. 00 | as always, i urge everyone not to post the contents of their forwarded e-mails. we've either seen it before or it's not as funny as you happen to think. thank you, have a nice day! :) Thanks for the sig, Jolene... The Waldorf to my Statler Now adopting! Thanks, Froy... | ||||
| Arpikarhu Harmless Teddy I wish Maynard was still posting here so I could implant my head up his ass. Needle dick, bear salesman. I think I'm a revolutionary. Actually, I'm a one trick pony. I enjoy C&BT | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 12:37 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Apr. 01 | uh......yeah Arpi Karhu Kauppias Forever!!! graduted by CRXGIRL  Master of the Air Guitar !!!! | ||||
| ClusterF@#$ | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 12:37 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | Moby of 'Honey' etc fame? And how do you know how long he is?
I've adopted JohnSlack as my newbie- AIM CHRIS052076 | ||||
| GrkqtOandAfan Claim staked by FTL. | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 12:38 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | does the second chapter of this joke have the funny part? CIT (Cuties in Training): none, have room for 2 email me if you want to be a Cutie Yahman - Certified Cutie as of 6/19/01 | ||||
USA Autoban Head Slap... Swim Move... | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 12:43 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Oct. 00 | I had to take a nap in the middle of that joke. lol | ||||
| Arthur Dent | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 12:44 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Nov. 00 | Hmmm...I never made a web page because I couldn't think of any content. Now I've got it. An archive of all forwarded e-mails so they never have to be forwarded again!!! Just think. One link would take you to thousands of e-mails that have traveled around the world. Broken up into neat catagories such as "Why the hell did you send this!?!", "Men vs Women jokes" and "I am now blocking your e-mail address because of this" "I don't read books, but I have friends who do." -Presidential Candidate George W. Bush "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears | ||||
| SpiritOfDirt | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 12:51 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: May. 01 | Well I guess it's good to see anyone over anything can get tossed into the barrel. Thanks guys. :P One question when can I get out? THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN ISOLATED .......Proud graduate of the Spitfire421 school of altered reality....... | ||||
| danked Dankarella! | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 12:58 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Aug. 00 | why bother, dent? when you can post 'em all here Thanks for the sig, Jolene... The Waldorf to my Statler Now adopting! Thanks, Froy... | ||||
| Banana_juice | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 1:05 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | Doesnt this belong in the forwarded joke e mails forum? proud graduate of Newbie University. Honor Student of Lord Magus's class. E-Mail Me | ||||
| ClusterF@#$ | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 1:13 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | I keep all of my forwarded email jokes in one convenient place for later viewing..... IN MY RECYCLE BIN!!!!! HAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Spirit... in an attempt to save the thread... Subject: hospital care > >> > >> > Subject: Actual notations in hospital patient charts > >> >> > > > >> >> > > I guess our auditors are in good company! > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband > >> >> states she > >> >> > > was very hot in bed last night. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side > >> >> for over a > >> >> > > year. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the > >> >> third day it > >> >> > > disappeared. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She > >> >> also appears to > >> >> > > be depressed. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing > >> >> me in 1993. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally > >> >> alert but > >> >> > > forgetful. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 8. The patient refused autopsy. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 10. Patient has left white blood cells at another > >> >> hospital. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably > >> >> insignificant with > >> >> > > only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for > >> >> lunch. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 13. She is numb from her toes down. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent > >> >> home. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 15. The skin was moist and dry. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 16. Occasional constant infrequent headaches. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of > >> >> her life, > >> >> > > until she got a divorce. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car > >> >> for physical > >> >> > > therapy. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and > >> >> accommodation. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus > >> >> sized. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, > >> >> he took a job > >> >> > > as a stockbroker instead. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 25. Skin: somewhat pale but present. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who > >> >> felt we should > >> >> > > sit on the abdomen, and I agree. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. > >> >> > > > >> >> > > 29. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities. > >> >> > >> >
I've adopted JohnSlack as my newbie- AIM CHRIS052076 | ||||
| Arthur Dent | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 1:23 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Nov. 00 | LMMFAO Cluster. I have a weakness for those real-life fuck-ups. "I don't read books, but I have friends who do." -Presidential Candidate George W. Bush "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears | ||||
| hornygoatweed23 I've Got A Vagina With Teeth. G.O.O.F.B.A.H.G.S. Dragoon Battalion My friends call me Weed | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 1:27 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | I guess its National Long Joke day today? Funny, its not marked on my calender... Classes for Enhancing your Board Experience and Stamina are now in Session! Email me here or AIM me at Organic999 to enroll. | ||||
| My Turn in the Barrel Being a Minor is a Threat to my Social Life PoseUr i ahve 2 threads at teh top, i feel like maynard | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 1:29 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | I'm surprised nobody has posted the hamster joke yet. I Just Wanna F the S out of your Sister | ||||
| ClusterF@#$ | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 1:30 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | no goat weed... it's actually short attention span day today.
I've adopted JohnSlack as my newbie- AIM CHRIS052076 | ||||
| Arthur Dent | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 1:52 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Nov. 00 | Just add to the insanity: A Mother had 3 daughters who were virgins. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways". Mom fainted. And one more: A REDNECK LETTER Dear Son, I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. Just thought of this one (edited to save posts) : The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too, you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure." "Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my goodness!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling- I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um.. equipment ?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??". "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!" "I don't read books, but I have friends who do." -Presidential Candidate George W. Bush "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears This message was edited by Arthur Dent on 6-20-01 @ 2:31 PM | ||||
| SpiritOfDirt | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 1:59 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: May. 01 | : very quietly climbs out of the barrel while no one is looking THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN ISOLATED .......Proud graduate of the Spitfire421 school of altered reality....... | ||||
| GrkqtOandAfan Claim staked by FTL. | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 2:04 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | ::shoves Spirit back into barrel:: Whats next SOD, going to post a thread of all the chain letters you got?? CIT (Cuties in Training): none, have room for 2 email me if you want to be a Cutie Yahman - Certified Cutie as of 6/19/01 | ||||
| SpiritOfDirt | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 2:08 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: May. 01 | Shit, it's lonely in here. :( THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN ISOLATED .......Proud graduate of the Spitfire421 school of altered reality....... | ||||
| King f-tard | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 2:12 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Feb. 01 | I have to say that the chili thing was very funny, once you got past the first part, but cluster, heres a thought, try to remove the >> things, they make reading difficult. And Dent, where did you get that letter, Grumpy was looking for that a few weeks ago. | ||||
| ClusterF@#$ | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 2:24 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | here's another thought... >>>>>>go f yourself :)
I've adopted JohnSlack as my newbie- AIM CHRIS052076 | ||||
| The Painter 1/2 a bottle of Jack Daniels... it's a cure-all | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 2:24 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | quote:Come on, that's funny  | ||||
| danked Dankarella! | posted on 06-20-2001 @ 3:32 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Aug. 00 | ::pours a bucket of chum into SOD's barrel and tosses in a few hissing cockroaches to keep him company. snaps the lid shut:: Thanks for the sig, Jolene... The Waldorf to my Statler Now adopting! Thanks, Froy... | ||||
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Displaying 1-25 of 28 messages in this thread. |