The Royal Tenenbaums

[Black Lazerus]

ROYAL (CONT’D)
I love you, Etheline. And
congratulations, both of you.
Royal looks to Henry. He turns back to Etheline.
ROYAL (CONT’D)
I didn’t think so much of him at first,
but now I get it. He’s everything I’m
not.
(CONTINUED)
Royal smiles. He turns away suddenly, runs to the bus, and
jumps inside. He looks back to Etheline. He yells:
ROYAL (CONT’D)
Take back Pagoda, will you?
Etheline hesitates. She nods. The door closes. Etheline
and Henry stand watching with Sanchez.
INT. ELI’S CAR. NIGHT.
Eli drives through a tunnel at top speed in the middle of the
night. He has on sunglasses, and he is covered with grass
and dirt. Electronic music blasts from the stereo. He looks
lost and sad.
CUT TO:
Page 258. It says “Chapter Nine.”
INSERT:
An invitation to Etheline’s and Henry’s wedding at the house
on Archer Avenue. It is nearly identical to the invitation
on the cover of the first edition of The Royal Tenenbaums.
EXT. STREET. DAY.
Ari, Uzi and Pagoda stand in front of the house with Buckley,
receiving the wedding guests. They help people out of their
cars, give them programs for the ceremony, and direct them to
the front door.
There are about fifty guests. Half of them are black and
half are white. The members of the wedding party are dressed
in morning suits.
Royal and Dusty get out of a gypsy cab. Royal smiles at Ari
and Uzi. He hugs Pagoda and kisses Ari and Uzi on the tops
of their heads. He looks around. He whispers:
ROYAL
I got you some jawbreakers.
Royal slips Ari and Uzi each a large purple-and-green-striped
jawbreaker. They hide them in their jackets.
INT. CHAS’ BEDROOM. DAY.
A twenty-one-year-old black Navy midshipman helps Henry
finish tying his bow tie. The midshipman is Walter. Henry
studies his tie in the mirror.
HENRY
It’s slightly uneven.
106.
CONTINUED: (2)
(CONTINUED)
Henry unties his knot and starts from scratch. Richie cracks
open the door and looks into the room.
RICHIE
Henry?
Henry looks to the door.
HENRY
Hello, Richie. This is my son, Walter
Sherman.
Richie comes into the room. He and Walter shake hands.
RICHIE
Nice to meet you, Walter.
WALTER
Nice to meet you.
CHAS
Henry’s your dad?
Chas is standing in the doorway. Walter hesitates. He nods.
Chas looks to Henry.
CHAS (CONT’D)
So you’ve been married before?
HENRY
Yes. I’m a widower.
CHAS
Oh, yeah. I forgot.
(pause)
You know, I’m a widower myself.
HENRY
I know you are, Chas.
INT. MARGOT’S BEDROOM. DAY.
Margot looks out the window at the guests arriving on the
street while Etheline finishes her make-up. Margot has a
white plastic inhaler in her mouth.
ETHELINE
What are you chewing on?
MARGOT
My nicotine inhaler. It’s supposed to
help me quit.
ETHELINE
Is it working?
107.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
MARGOT
Not really.
EXT. STREET. DAY.
Ari and Uzi tie Buckley’s leash around a pole in front of the
house. Royal and a very small Irish priest stand together at
the top of the steps.
ROYAL
Well, of course, I’m half Hebrew, but
the children are three-quarters Mick-
Catholic.
PRIEST
(nods)
So they were raised in the church.
ROYAL
(pause)
I believe so. I really don’t know.
A car’s tires squeal around the corner. Royal and the priest
look down the block. Eli’s convertible skids through the
turn on to Archer Avenue. Royal and the priest frown.
INT. ELI’S CAR. DAY.
Eli’s face is covered with Apache warpaint. He is dressed in
a morning suit. He wears a distracted smile. He downshifts,
accelerates, and steers toward the Tenenbaum house. He
whispers:
ELI
Here I come.
CUT TO:
Ari, Uzi and Buckley watching frozen as Eli’s car races
toward them. Royal looks panicked. He looks to Ari and Uzi
and hollers:
ROYAL
Boys!
Royal jumps down the stairs.
INT. MARGOT’S BEDROOM. DAY.
There is a tremendous crashing boom and the sound of
shattering glass. Etheline rushes over next to Margot at the
window.
ETHELINE
What was that?
108.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
MARGOT
Eli just crashed his car into the front
of the house.
ETHELINE
Oh, my God.
INT. STAIRWELL. DAY.
Chas sprints down the stairs three at a time. He falls and
bangs against the wall. He gets back up and keeps running.
INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.
Eli sits on the floor, barefoot, covered in glass and debris.
He is bleeding from a head wound. Three dalmation mice dart
around the room in confusion. Several guests help Eli
stagger to his feet. They look alarmed at his appearance,
particularly the warpaint.
ELI
Where are my shoes?
Dudley finds one of Eli’s shoes in the fireplace. He hands
it to Eli. Eli puts it on.
EXT. SIDEWALK. DAY.
The wedding guests quickly begin to come out the front door
and gather around the smashed car. There is also a crushed
mailbox, and mail is scattered all over the sidewalk. The
lighter airmail envelopes drift about in the wind. Chas runs
down the steps. He yells:
CHAS
Where are you?
Royal and Richie stand up among the rubble. Royal holds Ari
under one arm and Uzi under the other. He sets them down.
Chas runs over to them.
ROYAL
They’re OK, Chas.
Chas grabs Ari and Uzi. He examines them.
ROYAL (CONT’D)
It’s OK. They’re safe.
ARI
Dad, they ran over Buckley.
CHAS
What?
109.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
Chas looks to Royal. Royal nods. He turns to the wreckage.
Buckley’s leash remains tied to the railing and extends taut
beneath the wheels of Eli’s car.
ROYAL
I think we lost Buckley.
Ari and Uzi start to cry. Richie brushes some debris off
Uzi’s hair. He looks to Chas and points to Royal.
RICHIE
He saved them. Kind of.
Chas looks to Richie. He says blankly:
CHAS
He did?
Richie nods. Chas looks to Royal. Royal shrugs. Eli
appears in the broken front window of the home.
ELI
Did I hit anybody?
Everyone looks to Eli.
ELI (CONT’D)
Is everybody okay?
Eli sees Chas staring at him. Eli hesitates. He darts away
from the window. Chas bolts up the steps, banging his way
through the crowd.
ROYAL
Chas! Wait!
INT. HALLWAY. DAY.
Chas bursts into the house. He screams:
CHAS
Eli!
The guests panic as Eli jumps over a couch, knocks over a
chair, and ducks into the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN. DAY.
Pagoda looks up from a tray of canapes he is preparing. He
does not appear to notice Eli’s strange appearance and
injuries. He holds one of the canapes to him.
PAGODA
This is the quail’s egg.
Eli takes it quickly. Chas smashes open the door. Eli bodychecks
him and breaks out of the room.
110.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
They slam past the priest and knock him down the basement
stairs. The wedding guests scream and yell and try to break
it up or get away.
Eli slips out the back door and sprints into the garden.
EXT. BACKYARD. DAY.
Eli runs to the back wall and tries the gate. It is locked.
Chas tackles him hard. Chas grabs him by the arm, swings him
around, and slams him against the wall. Eli yells. People
rush into the backyard. Richie runs outside.
RICHIE
Chas! Don’t!
Richie tries to pull Chas off Eli. Chas elbows Richie in the
face. Richie falls backwards into the bushes. Chas picks up
Eli and tries to throw him over the wall. Eli scratches and
clutches.
ELI
Help! Please!
Chas yells insanely. He throws Eli over the wall. He turns
to everyone watching him. They look stunned. Chas breathes
heavily. Richie sits up in the bushes. He has his hand over
his eye.
RICHIE
Chas?
Chas hesitates. He climbs over the wall.
EXT. NEIGHBOR’S YARD. DAY.
Chas lands in a Zen garden, next to Eli. Eli is stretched
out on his back. He and Chas look at each other. Chas lies
down on the ground. He seems drained. It is very quiet.
They both stare up at the sky. There are bonsai trees all
around them.
ELI
Did I hit the dog?
CHAS
Yeah.
ELI
(pause)
Is he dead?
CHAS
Yeah.
ELI
(pause)
I need help.
111.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
CHAS
So do I.
Walter looks over the top of the wall, down at Chas and Eli.
He looks back behind him and yells to someone:
WALTER
Go around to the other side!
EXT. EMBASSY. DAY.
Henry and Royal run around the corner and up the steps of a
neighbor’s house. A plaque next to the front door says
“Residence of the Japanese Ambassador.” Royal knocks. They
wait. Royal looks to Henry. He says suddenly:
ROYAL
Can I say something to you, Henry?
Henry looks to Royal.
ROYAL (CONT’D)
I’ve been considered an asshole for
about as long as I can remember. That’s
just my style. But I’d feel pretty blue
if I didn’t think you were going to
forgive me.
Henry nods. He says gently:
HENRY
I don’t think you’re an asshole, Royal.
You’re just a kind of a son of a bitch.
Royal seems genuinely moved by this remark.
ROYAL
Well, I appreciate that.
The door opens. A small Asian woman in a kimono looks out at
them.
ROYAL (CONT’D)
Can we get into your backyard, ma’am?
We got a couple of boys out there.
EXT. SIDEWALK. DAY.
There are two police cars, an ambulance, a tow-truck and a
fire engine in front of the house. Raleigh and two
paramedics roll the priest on a gurney. Raleigh holds the
priest’s hand.
PARAMEDIC
I think he may’ve broken his ankle.
112.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
RALEIGH
That’s not terribly serious, is it?
(to the priest)
Do you have an alternative?
The priest shakes his head.
Eli is being questioned by a police officer. His warpaint is
smeared, and there are several bandages on his head and arms.
He looks very upset.
ELI
At which point I apparently lost control
of the vehicle, smashed it into the
house, and killed that poor dog.
The police officer studies Eli’s driver’s license.
POLICE OFFICER
You’re Eli Cash.
ELI
(pause)
I am, indeed.
POLICE OFFICER
I love your work.
ELI
(touched)
How sweet of you to say so.
Royal stands among a group of firemen with a dalmation.
ROYAL
I think he’s part mutt. What kind of
papers you got for him?
One of the firemen shrugs. Royal points at the dalmation.
ROYAL (CONT’D)
Sparkplug. Sit.
The dalmation sits. Royal looks impressed.
Dusty stands with Richie on the sidewalk and examines his
eye. It is scratched badly and looks terrible.
DUSTY
Can you see out of it?
Richie covers his good eye to test his bad eye.
RICHIE
Not really.
113.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
DUSTY
Uh-huh. Minor corneal damage. Page me
if it spreads to the other eye.
Raleigh and Dudley stand next to each other wearing firemen’s
helmets. Dudley laughs crazily.
RALEIGH
What’s so funny, Dudley?
DUDLEY
You look great!
Henry and Walter survey the scene from the smashed-out living
room window. Walter points to the rubble.
WALTER
But these aren’t structure-bearing
elements, Dad.
HENRY
It doesn’t matter. It’s still best to
file under force majeure and recoup the
deductible.
Ari and Uzi try to look at Buckley under Eli’s car as several
firemen and tow-truck drivers attach straps and chains to the
wheels and axle. Etheline goes over to them.
ETHELINE
You boys come over here with me.
ARI
But Buckley’s still under there.
ETHELINE
I know, but there’s nothing we can do
for him, at the moment.
Royal takes the dalmation over to Chas.
ROYAL
I got you a new dog for the boys.
Chas looks at the dalmation. He looks back to Royal.
CHAS
What’s this?
ROYAL
I just bought him.
CHAS
You did?
Royal nods. Silence.
114.
CONTINUED: (2)
(CONTINUED)
ROYAL
I’m sorry I let you down, Chas. All of
you. I’ve been trying to make it up to
you.
Royal holds out the leash. Chas hesitates. He takes it.
CHAS
What’s his name?
ROYAL
(quietly)
Sparkplug.
CHAS
Thank you.
ROYAL
You’re welcome.
Chas suddenly starts crying. He stares at the ground.
CHAS
We’ve had a rough year, Dad.
ROYAL
I know you have, Chassie.
Royal puts his hand on Chas’ head. Chas looks to Royal and
takes a deep breath. He nods. Royal watches as Chas takes
the dalmation over to Ari and Uzi and talks to them quietly
for a minute.
Uzi pets the dalmation. Ari takes the leash. Etheline looks
to Royal. Royal looks back at her. Etheline smiles sadly.
EXT. ROOF. DAY.
Richie and Margot sit near the edge of the roof, next to the
falcon in its coop. Richie has an ice pack over his eye. He
brushes his hand against the white feathers on the falcon’s
neck.
MARGOT
I wonder what happened to him.
RICHIE
I don’t know.
(pause)
Sometimes when people have a traumatic
experience, their hair turns white.
Silence. Margot says quietly:
MARGOT
Well, I’m sure he’ll get over it.
115.
CONTINUED: (3)
(CONTINUED)
Richie nods. Margot looks at him for a minute. She takes
her inhaler out of her mouth and puts it in her pocket. She
turns and looks at the top of the chimney. She pulls out a
loose brick. She reaches behind it and takes out a pack of
cigarettes and a matchbook. She looks to Richie. She points
at the chimney.
MARGOT (CONT’D)
This was one of my first hiding places.
Richie studies the pack of cigarettes. It is still sealed,
but the wrapper has faded.
RICHIE
How old you think those are?
Margot opens the pack, takes out a cigarette, puts it in her
mouth, and lights it. She takes a puff.
MARGOT
I’d say about ten years.
Richie nods. Margot offers him a cigarette. He takes it,
and she lights it. Margot puts her arm around Richie’s
shoulder, and they smoke their stale cigarettes together.
EXT. GARDEN. DAY.
Ari, Uzi and Chas watch Royal throw dirt on to a grave in the
backyard. They have tears in their eyes. The dalmation sits
on the ground next to them.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Royal dug a hole for Buckley behind the
garden shed, and buried him in a canvas
duffle bag.
Chas hands Royal a bottle of scotch, and Royal takes a drink.
ROYAL
All right, boys. Say a prayer --
Ari begins, with a jawbreaker in his mouth:
ARI
Dear Heavenly Father --
INT. OFFICE. DAY.
Henry and Etheline stand side by side in front of a judge in
a small office with green carpet and an exercise bicycle.
Henry has his left hand raised and his right hand on a bible.
HENRY
So help me God.
116.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
The judge extends the Bible to Etheline. She puts her hand
on it.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Etheline and Henry were married fortyeight
hours later, in judge’s chambers.
INT. THEATRE. NIGHT.
A stage-set for a play that appears to take place in a
network of tree houses on a tropical island. A father
introduces his daughter to a group of native tribesmen.
FATHER
This is my adopted daughter, Elaine
Levinson.
The house is sold out. Royal sits in the front row with the
other Tenenbaums. He laughs quietly and shakes his head.
The rest of the audience is silent.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Margot’s new play, The Levinsons in the
Trees, was produced at the Cavendish
Theatre.
CUT TO:
Margot standing alone outside the theatre, under the marquee,
smoking a cigarette.
NARRATOR (CONT’D)
It ran for just under two weeks and
received mixed reviews.
INT. AUDITORIUM. DAY.
Brooks College. Raleigh and Dudley sit onstage at a table in
front of an audience of doctors and medical students.
Raleigh takes a question.
MEDICAL STUDENT
Can he tell time?
RALEIGH
Oh, my Lord, no.
Dudley shakes his head emphatically.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Raleigh and Dudley went on a lecture
tour to eleven universities in the
promotion of their new book.
INSERT:
117.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
A copy of Raleigh’s new book, Dudley’s World. On the dust
jacket there is a yearbook photograph of Dudley with his
Henry Aaron-style glasses flipped up. His expression is
almost impossibly blank.
EXT. HOSPITAL. DAY.
A resort compound on the high plains. Eli practices with a
lasso in front of several young addicts. He has stitches on
his forehead.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Eli checked himself into a
rehabilitation hospital in North Dakota.
A tall, skinny, Native American man in his late forties walks
over to Eli. He and Eli are dressed in matching deerskin
jackets. Eli points to him.
ELI
This is my sponsor, Runs with Two
Horses.
INT. 375TH STREET Y ROOFTOP. DAY.
A concrete tennis court with a chain-link net. Ari, Uzi and
a group of children dressed in tennis clothes watch as Richie
demonstrates the continental style of grip to them. Richie
has a white gauze patch taped over his eye.
RICHIE
Rod Laver used it. You know who Laver
is?
Uzi steps up to the service line. He bounces a ball and gets
ready to serve.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Richie started a programme teaching
competitive tennis to eight- to twelveyear-
olds at the 375th Street Y.
Uzi hits a fast serve to Richie’s forehand. Richie fires his
return full-speed straight down the line. Uzi watches it
race past him.
EXT. STREET. DAY.
Royal, Chas, Ari and Uzi ride on the back of a speeding
garbage truck. They are all laughing.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Royal had a heart attack at the age of
sixty-eight.
118.
CONTINUED:
INT. AMBULANCE. DAY.
Royal is strapped on to a gurney with tubes sticking out of
his arms and an oxygen mask on his face. Chas sits beside
him, holding his hand. The ambulance races full-speed up the
wrong side of the street.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Chas rode with him in the ambulance, and
was the only witness to his father’s
death.
Royal appears to be smiling underneath his oxygen mask. He
looks up at Chas. Chas puts his hand on Royal’s cheek.
Royal closes his eyes.
NARRATOR (CONT’D)
In his will, he stipulated that his
funeral take place at dusk.
INSERT:
Page 275 of The Royal Tenenbaums. It says “Epilogue.”
EXT. CEMETERY. DAY.
Snow falls lightly, and the sky is getting dark. Everyone in
the family is gathered around as Chas, Richie, Henry,
Raleigh, Eli, Dusty and Pagoda lower the casket. They are
all bundled up in coats and scarves. They step away from the
grave.
Henry stands next to Etheline. She takes his arm. Pagoda
wears Royal’s sunglasses. Tears stream down his face. Dusty
stands beside him. Margot has her arm around Richie’s
shoulder. She smokes a cigarette. Raleigh stands next to
Dudley. Eli stands next to Walter. The priest is on
crutches.
Chas looks to Ari and Uzi standing a few yards away. He
nods. Ari and Uzi fire several shots into the air with Chas’
and Royal’s old BB guns.
Royal’s gravestone sits in a wheelbarrow next to a pile of
dirt. It reads “Royal O’Reilly Tenenbaum (1932-2001).”
Epitaph: “Died tragically rescuing his family from the
wreckage of a destroyed sinking battleship.” The priest sees
this and hesitates. He looks puzzled. He smiles slightly.
Richie throws a white flower into the grave. They all stand
in silence for a minute before they turn away and walk to
their waiting car.
-- THE END --
119.