Your rules of life, what great rules have you learned?
1. if it's in your mouth, swallow.
2. if it doesn't fit, apply more pressure with some lubricant.
3. if it ain't funny in your mind, it'll be less funnier when you say it.
4. if you're gonna have to explain yourself, don't bother saying it.
5. if it tastes like chicken, it probably ain't chicken.
6.if you make a funny face and somone slaps you in the back of the head your face can get stuck that way
If the gloves don't fit, you must acquit
7. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it must be..........a duck.
Be yourself. It's a lot less work than being someone else.
Don't masturbate right after dicing jalapenos.
When you are in a shootout with a bad guy, no matter how many times you have fired your gun, there will always be 1 bullet left to kill the bad guy with just as you think he has you.
Oh, wait, I learned that from a movie, not life.
If it seems to good to be true, re-calibrate and try again
Don't pick a tomato before it's time.
You can pick your nose, & you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Wear a hat & socks when you are cold, take off your sock if you are hot.
Don't get between an animal & it's food.
Shelle Bink is the kevin bacon of the: 6 degrees from who you fucked on the board, game.
If you see it in a store & really want it, buy it. If you come back it will be gone.
Life isn't fair. (Fare) is what you pay to get on the bus.
Don't shit where you eat.
Say please & thank you.
Wear clean underware if you're going to be in an accident.
If you don't want to sleep with someone too soon, wear the ugly underware & don't shave.
No matter how much you say you understand, they will always say 'you have no clue'.
A great song at the perfect time can be pure bliss.
No matter how many times you watch a movie, the ending will never change. No matter how much you want it to.
No matter how much you want to or how hot she is, it is wrong to have sex with your first cousin.
(Not valid for residents of Maryland, Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee )
Having sex on the 1st date period never works out well. Especially if she is on her period.
Quote:No matter how much you want to or how hot she is, it is wrong to have sex with your first cousin.
I think it's ok to bone them, you just shouldn't spawn.
Same goes for ugly people.
You are going to forget things which are really important, accept it.
It will be impossible for you to get your significant other to accept the above statement, accept this also.
The guy driving gets to choose the music
The most fun people to hang around with are generally the most crazy
Every good comedy team needs a staight man
If you can't say it with a straight face, no one else will find it funny
Women actually can "go fuck themselves"
But they can't give themselves genital warts
If you can't think up something witty on the spot, you're not witty :fuckoff: