Jesus Ranch
(Tenacious D!)
It was a big day on Jesus Ranch, Jesus Ranch.
He was harvesting a big tomato, it was in the sand, alright.
I'm taking a walk in the woods, and it's nice outside.
Smells of shit, Liga Guinggligagiggagoogoogwillgo.
I come upon a silver, striped mushroom and I fly.
And I fly, fly.
It was a big day on Jesus Ranch, Jesus Ranch.
Jesus.
I fell in love with a big potato.
That's when I started the dance, yeah, in France.
I'm takin a walk in the woods, fuck yeah.
It's nice, very very nice.
Smells of shit, Liga Guinggligagiggagoogoogwillgo.
I come upon a silver, striped mushroom, and I fly.
And I fly, fly.
Fly, to the point I'm gone.
Double Team
[spoken]
Damn, a hard day's rockin'. Better slip off ma shoes.
Maybe give a little stretch, and a bend.
Dip m'toe to jacuzzi, baby. Slip out this book:
The Buttress of Windsor. Ho ho ho, who's this? How's it goin'?
[sung]
That's the first thin' I say to you.
How's it goin'? Are you flowin'?
Listen honey,
Thinkin' 'bout a couple things to say to you,
Showin', growin',
Man I'd like to place my hand
upon your fuckin' sexy ass and squeeze.
And squeeze!
Take off your blouse,
And your underpants,
Then take a look,
'Cause here me and KG come naked,
Out of the side-hatch,
With the oils and perfume and incense.
Now you're groovin',
Put on a cool '70s groove.
A funky groove to fuck to.
A funky groove to fuck to.
Me, me and KG,
It's all about sex supreme,
We likes to cream jeans. (sex)
Have you ever been worked on
By two guys who are hot for your snatch? (sex)
That's what I'm offerin' you.
You step into our room,
And then you smell the perfume,
You lay upon our roundish bed,
And then you feel a tickling on your head.
It's KG with the feather and the French tickler,
Look out baby he got the tools.
And then you feel sumpin' down by your feet.
It's me, it's JB, I'm suckin' upon your toes.
We don't mind sucking on toes!
Good luck finding a boyfriend who sucks toe, ow!
Havin' sex with me and KG,
Now you're talkin' double team supreme.
Let's roll!
Oh!
[2-part:] Ahh, oh!
What! Yeah! Huh! Nah! Oh!
Ah, that's it, that's right, ohmygah, oh-I-think-I'm-gonna, Ohh!
Deht! Deht! Eeee!
...Splooge!
[spoken]
That was the one.
[KG:] Hail Satan!
[JB:] Hail Satan!
[KG:] Hail Satan!
[JB:] Hail Satan!
Cosmic Shame
So, um...
If I was just gonna say one thing to y'all tonight...
I'd say, set the artist free.
I'm talking about this artist in here, set it free.
I'm saying, quit your day job.
Now, I know a lot of you people here, you're saying,
"I can't quit my day job. I've got kids to feed, Jack."
Quit your day job.
Focus on your craft, one time, before it's all over,
you've died, you've squandered it.
You fuckin' robots!
Now after a couple years of you focusing earnestly on your craft,
K.G. and I will swoop in, we will check out your progress,
and we will encourage you to continue!
Or we will say stop.
And then seriously, you must stop,
Or penalties will be created and enforced.
Cause listen...
This is the problem...
Sometimes you follow your heart,
sometimes your heart cuts a fart.
That's the cosmic shame.
That's the cosmic shame.
And I know what you are saying now,
what makes you guys so fucking good?
I don't fuckin' know,
and I don't like it!
I stay up going FUCK!
Why can't everybody fuckin' have it?
Cause this is the thing...
Some people learn it on the streets.
Some people learn it in the schools.
Me and K.G., we were fucking born with it, homes...
Check it out.
That shit came off the top of my fuckin' head y'all!
Oh God!
Why?
It's a cosmic shame!
Tribute
This is the greatest and best song in the world... Tribute.
Long time ago me and my brother Kyle here,
we was hitchhikin' down a long and lonesome road.
All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon... in the middle... of the road.
And he said:
'Play the best song in the world, or I'll eat your soul.' (soul)
Well me and Kyle, we looked at each other,
and we each said... 'Okay.'
And we played the first thing that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be,
The Best Song in the World, it was The Best Song in the World.
Look into my eyes and it's easy to see
One and one make two, two and one make three,
It was destiny.
Once every hundred-thousand years or so,
When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
And the grass doth grow...
Needless to say, the beast was stunned.
Whip-crack went his schwumpy tail,
And the beast was done.
He asked us: '(snort) Be you angels?'
And we said, 'Nay. We are but men.'
Rock!
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!
This is not The Greatest Song in the World, no.
This is just a tribute.
Couldn't remember The Greatest Song in the World, no, no.
This is a tribute, oh, to The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was the best muthafuckin' song the greatest song in the world.
And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
the song we sang on that fateful night it didn't actually sound
anything like this song.
This is just a tribute! You gotta believe me!
And I wish you were there! Just a matter of opinion.
Ah, fuck! Good God, God lovin',
So surprised to find you can't stop it.
All right! All right!