CDIH

I'm a bad lay.

I have a new-found anxiety/panic disorder that Is slowly pushing me to kill myself. I'm going out of my mind trying to deal with It. I'll get the most mundane feeling or sensation, like maybe I smoked too many cig's the night before and my lungs are a little sore, or I ate too much at dinner and I feel full, and my brain turns It Into "I'm dying from a heart attack". It's gotten so bad that I went to the doctor, and he put me on Xanax, which, by the way, works wonders. Only thing Is, I hate myself so much for being this weak that I won't take the Xanax, and I choose to suffer through the attacks. I figure If I use the drugs to feel better, than I'll never be better without them. I just hope I can work through It before I smoke myself In pure self-loathing.
You guys can goof on me for this. I expect as much. But It's toatally serious. Anyone ever deal with anything resembling this?

Zootybang Wrote:I have a new-found anxiety/panic disorder that Is slowly pushing me to kill myself. I'm going out of my mind trying to deal with It. I'll get the most mundane feeling or sensation, like maybe I smoked too many cig's the night before and my lungs are a little sore, or I ate too much at dinner and I feel full, and my brain turns It Into "I'm dying from a heart attack". It's gotten so bad that I went to the doctor, and he put me on Xanax, which, by the way, works wonders. Only thing Is, I hate myself so much for being this weak that I won't take the Xanax, and I choose to suffer through the attacks. I figure If I use the drugs to feel better, than I'll never be better without them. I just hope I can work through It before I smoke myself In pure self-loathing.
You guys can goof on me for this. I expect as much. But It's toatally serious. Anyone ever deal with anything resembling this?

Actually yes, not to the same extent as you but some of my close family has even worse than you. That's pretty rough shit dude, if you wanna talk give me a holler and we'll parlay.

I've always had problems with depression but I tried my best to not take any drugs, I did for a short while but it made me feel worse cause I felt weak. I don't enjoy drugs and despise them for many reasons which I won't delve into. But there are times when I can go from being completely normal and fine, then at the snap of a finger I can become so fuckin sad that I wanna cry on the spot and its the smallest things that trigger it. It could be a single word that conjures up some memory, a song, even just a moment of silence where my mind wanders and I just become so empty and lonely and hurt so bad. It's become more frequent and I find myself being fake, not being some phony but putting on a fake smile and pretending to be happy and still worrying about making sure everyone else around me is happy while I am miserable. Even when I am out with friends or even board shindigs I am so miserable but I just pretend alls well and try to make people laugh, I don't "try" its pretty natural for me to just yap on and on about any little thing and turn it into a 4 hour piece of material.

I have no clue anymore on how to be happy. I've always told people "no matter how fuckin bad shit is, someone has it worse, so be happy you ain't him". But it's like for the last 7 years or so, my whole life actually. I just never had no one to talk to, I was just raised by keeping all my hurt inside and never telling anyone cause complaining was for pussies who couldnt handle their own shit. It's like I am pushed to my limit and then as soon as things cant get worse they do, it's everyday for the past several years. Death, pain suffering, more death, more suicides, more attempted suicides, more death, more pain, watching my mom suffer, watching my grandma suffer, and then it just gets worse and worse, fuckin forget about my personal shit. But sometimes you need to talk, you need guidance. I know this but to this day I will rarely talk about my problems to anyone, i'm not used to it nor do I know how. I just take everything and keep it away and just write or talk to myself about it and analyze it myself. But I hear the shit people call problems and I think, thats like a tenth of a tenth of what I went through yet unlike you I never had a friend or brother or mother or father to talk to, to guide and help me. I aint whining or complaining about it cause its all done with. I just feel better by talking about it I guess. I just feel everyone should have someone to help and depend on, yet I cant do that anymore for myself so I just find myself wanting to listen and help everyone I can with their problems cause I have overanalyzed my own so much I become an expert on how to help people and I do Damn well. People always come to me for advice and help, yet I can never help myself... I dunno.

just the ramblings of someone who can't sleep, move on.

there's a lot of words here, but i clingy and fat



ish

As a friend of mine just told me. The things that come out of your mouth. I sometimes just spout off what comes into my heas, no matter who or what they are to me. Friends, 1st time meetng someone etc.

working on my love handles but until i slow down with the beverages itz almost a lost cause
i drink to much
i'm a bit toolish
and i have no tolerance for woman who play fucking games...actually thatz probably a good thing...actually this is a good topic

Quote:working on my love handles but until i slow down with the beverages itz almost a lost cause
i drink to much

You are a sexy bitch as are you love handles and you ain't toolish just a matter of fact person who doesn't get caught up by anyone, cept some snaggle toothed chicks once in a blue moon.

escapist, avoidant, secretive, unmotivated, self conscious

I have low self esteem.

Quote:I figure If I use the drugs to feel better, than I'll never be better without them

I'm partial to drugs, so I would just take them

but, for you, if the Xanax helps, you should take it until you remmeber how to feel good again, until you learn to not freak out

:-(

Quote:but, for you, if the Xanax helps, you should take it until you remmeber how to feel good again, until you learn to not freak out

Yeah, but as soon as I come down off the xanax, I start thinkin' "Hey, I'm off the xanax" and then my brain starts whirling again. It's really a pretty horrible disorder. It's ruined everything for me lately. I dont go to the gym anymore, driving Is a nightmare In Itself, and I'm completely bummed out all the time.