01-10-2005, 12:49 AM
by Jayson Starks
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FIVE REASONS THE YANKEES STILL WON'T WIN (POSSIBLY) (IN THEORY)
1. THEY'RE OLDER THAN THE NEW YORK PHILHARMONIC
Well, the '60s haven't gotten any more recent since then -- and you can look that up. But the 2005 Yankees, as currently constituted, will include (gulp) 13 players born in the '60s, a total of 19 players who will be 30 or older by Opening Day and (barring a Carlos Beltran signing) an entire starting lineup of guys who will be 30-something by the end of July.
We've never commissioned the National Athletic Trainers Association to do an exhaustive study of this, or anything. But one thing we still feel safe in saying is:
Old guys get hurt more than young guys.
2. CARTILAGE IS GOOD
Yes, friends. Cartilage is, in fact, good. That's one of our mottoes in life.
We bring that up because the amount of cartilage currently found in Johnson's right knee would be approximately ... uh ... zero.
3. THEY DON'T GET TO PLAY THE BREWERS
The journey from the National League over to the American League doesn't look particularly perilous, in theory. No native guides, body armor or special inoculations are required by law before you embark, so it would be easy to conclude it's not that big a deal.
Pavano is coming from one of baseball's most pitcher-friendly ballparks (Florida's Pro Player Stadium), where he pitched in front of one of the best defenses on earth. You might also want to note he has won more than 12 games exactly once in his career.
Wright, meanwhile, is leaving a team (the Braves) that sprinkles all new pitchers with special Cy Young miracle flakes. So no wonder he won nearly as many games last year (15) as he had in the previous five seasons put together, stayed healthy all year and had an ERA (3.28) more than two runs lower than his lifetime American League ERA (5.50).
4. THEY FORGOT TO SIGN CARLOS DELGADO, JEFF KENT AND CARLOS BELTRAN
We all admit that Randy Johnson is one talented human being. But he can't play first base. He can't play second base. He can't catch line drives in the gaps. He can't clone himself. And he can't perform orthopedic surgery in his spare time.
Which is one way of saying that this team did, in fact, have other issues heading into the winter besides its lack of left-handedness on that pitching mound.
5. NO $207-MILLION TEAM HAS EVER WON A WORLD SERIES
These Yankees are definitely the best team 207 million George Steinbrenner bucks can buy, all right. But in the long and glorious history of baseball, not one $207-million baseball team has ever won a single World Series. That's a fact.
OK, so it's also a fact that there has never actually been a $207-million baseball team before this one. But that's beside the point. Sort of.
If the Yankees have proved anything these last few Octobers, it's that there can be such a thing as having too many big-name, big-dollar players on one team.
<!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb....1960725">http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb....1960725</a><!-- m -->
FIVE REASONS THE YANKEES STILL WON'T WIN (POSSIBLY) (IN THEORY)
1. THEY'RE OLDER THAN THE NEW YORK PHILHARMONIC
Well, the '60s haven't gotten any more recent since then -- and you can look that up. But the 2005 Yankees, as currently constituted, will include (gulp) 13 players born in the '60s, a total of 19 players who will be 30 or older by Opening Day and (barring a Carlos Beltran signing) an entire starting lineup of guys who will be 30-something by the end of July.
We've never commissioned the National Athletic Trainers Association to do an exhaustive study of this, or anything. But one thing we still feel safe in saying is:
Old guys get hurt more than young guys.
2. CARTILAGE IS GOOD
Yes, friends. Cartilage is, in fact, good. That's one of our mottoes in life.
We bring that up because the amount of cartilage currently found in Johnson's right knee would be approximately ... uh ... zero.
3. THEY DON'T GET TO PLAY THE BREWERS
The journey from the National League over to the American League doesn't look particularly perilous, in theory. No native guides, body armor or special inoculations are required by law before you embark, so it would be easy to conclude it's not that big a deal.
Pavano is coming from one of baseball's most pitcher-friendly ballparks (Florida's Pro Player Stadium), where he pitched in front of one of the best defenses on earth. You might also want to note he has won more than 12 games exactly once in his career.
Wright, meanwhile, is leaving a team (the Braves) that sprinkles all new pitchers with special Cy Young miracle flakes. So no wonder he won nearly as many games last year (15) as he had in the previous five seasons put together, stayed healthy all year and had an ERA (3.28) more than two runs lower than his lifetime American League ERA (5.50).
4. THEY FORGOT TO SIGN CARLOS DELGADO, JEFF KENT AND CARLOS BELTRAN
We all admit that Randy Johnson is one talented human being. But he can't play first base. He can't play second base. He can't catch line drives in the gaps. He can't clone himself. And he can't perform orthopedic surgery in his spare time.
Which is one way of saying that this team did, in fact, have other issues heading into the winter besides its lack of left-handedness on that pitching mound.
5. NO $207-MILLION TEAM HAS EVER WON A WORLD SERIES
These Yankees are definitely the best team 207 million George Steinbrenner bucks can buy, all right. But in the long and glorious history of baseball, not one $207-million baseball team has ever won a single World Series. That's a fact.
OK, so it's also a fact that there has never actually been a $207-million baseball team before this one. But that's beside the point. Sort of.
If the Yankees have proved anything these last few Octobers, it's that there can be such a thing as having too many big-name, big-dollar players on one team.