+- CDIH (https://www.cdih.net/cdih)
+-- Forum: General Discussion and Entertainment (https://www.cdih.net/cdih/forumdisplay.php?fid=4)
+--- Forum: The Pit (https://www.cdih.net/cdih/forumdisplay.php?fid=9)
+--- Thread: ... I watched a PBS documentary - and then I rewrote the history of the US (/showthread.php?tid=6725)
Pages:
1
2
- The Jays - 07-02-2003
I just watched a PBS documentary on a small town in Texas called Lockney, specifically based around the story of a court case where a man did not want to have his children participate in a mandatory school-wide drug testing. Of course, the documentary was slanted towards his argument, but I agree none the less, because, while drugs are bad, it is not in the government's power to ensure that people are not doing drugs. That is a power held specifically for the individual, an individual chooses whether or not to take a substance into their body. The government can only go so far as the power that the people have given it in order to stop illegal drugs from becoming available. Thus, the government can stop certain things from entering the country, they can stop the use or trade of drugs in a public place, and they can test suspected individuals of drug usage if that person poses a threat to other individuals. Otherwise, they cannnot do anything, otherwise, it is unjust search and seizure. I am amazed that, in a Christian small town, stererotypically conservative, a Texas school board would put the burden upon a governing body to stop drug usage. Where is the idea of family in all of this? How about having a clinic for drug testing, and the parents can bring in a sample of urine, anonomously, and have it tested for drugs? Not mandated by the government, all power is with the individual, and the clinic is a privately owned enterprise. $50 bucks per sample, $100 for the whole family.
Where does this idea come from that the government is the problem solver? Solve your own problems. Check on your kids on your own.
OOOh, afraid your kids are going to use drugs at school? OMG, what is they get shot on the way to school?? Thats it, schools must now provide each student with body armor so that they are safe. They must also where helmets.
What if your kids have sex at school? Well, schools must now hand out condoms and teach kids about it. Better yet, schools must provide chastity belts along with the body armor, sort of a combo, a Kevlar lockable cock sheild (and/or) pussy protector, with optional anal bum cover.
What about God? What if kids are learning about God in school, or another religion in school? Well, now, in all of the history books, the Puritans came to America for simply freedom. Freedom for what? Hey, that's a question, and we can't have the Socratic method happening in schools, because as well all know, Socrates was a pagan, a homosexual, and died at the hands of a drug, so if we have kids asking questions in school with the hopes of getting answers, then we are endorsing the teachings of a known drug user who engaged in religion and had sex, and not just sex, but sex with people of his own gender, not that there's anything wrong with that, in fact, that is the only laudable aspect of Socrates that we can find, but other than that, he was an evil human being and must be stricken from the books, along with any pupils of his, and their pupils. He was also a white man, well, at least that's what we think he was, and thus he was the cause of slavery in America, and because he died before slavery was even started in America, he now owes one black person, specifically Hoopty Johnson of Compton, CA, $239,372,938,393.93 in damages. No, we cannot have the children questioning their teachers, because that makes teachers look weak, and makes their jobs harder, and would result in all teachers striking, once again, unless they get more days off, higher pay, and better teaching equipment, such as a Lexus.
No, the Puritans simply came to America for freedom, because they heard that freedom was the new "In" thing from their friends, most likely ideas they got from druggies, and that freedom was much better than subordination. Yes, children, the first settlers came to America because Freedom was Cool. Back then, of course. Today, we know the truth. Freedom is very far from cool. If Cool was the mainland, then freedom would be some random large island between Europe and Asia, sitting in the Atlantic/Pacific Ocean. Of course, back then, there was only one ocean, and it was known as Atlanpacifindiartic Ocean, and it spanned for miles across this flat world we know as King George's Wacky World of Wondermentness. And in the middle of that grand ocean was the island of cool, and that's where the Puritans fled to. They first heard about this island of cool from a guy named Columbus, who had gone to the island of cool and killed off all of the human beings that were living there at the time, so as to make the island of cool safe for us normal people. And he found the island of cool to be sooo cool that he named it Coolumbia, and told everyone to come here, but they did not hear him, because they were convinced that there was a much cooler place called America, named after a guy called Amerigo who did not know how to sign his name to maps so he signed his name in the middle of them, and who never really learned the alphabet very well, because he thought that a g was spelled with a c, and an o spelled with an a.
And so, the Puritans went off to in search of freedom, and traveled in rickity boats across the Atlanpacifindiartic Ocean to America, where they met fascinating peoples that ran around naked, and went to war with one another, and stole gold from the land and horded it to themselves, and upon meeting these people, and shaking their hands, they blew their heads off with shotguns and scared them toward the West. The Puritans then basked in the glory of freedom for about three hours, and by then, it was dinnertime, and they realized they had made a terrible mistake. And so they found an indian named Pochantas, who was a female, and who was also an indian, along with being a Native American, and because of her minority status, they made her their first president, and she showed them a great many things, such as catching a fish, and then using the fish as fertilizer by putting it in a hole with a seed of corn, so as to make the crop stronger when harvest came in about three monthes. But the Puritans, known drug addicts as stated above, became overcome by misogny, chauvanism, racism, violence, and white superiority, along with a slight twang of hunger pain, decided to stick with the old adage that they learned from their Bibles, which states "Give a white man a fish and he will eat for a day, but find a man of different skin color who can catch a fish and enslave him, and the white man will eat for the rest of his life." Well, they had to interpret their Bible slightly in order to include women, so after a brief one minute deliberation, the Puritans quickly threw a net over Pochantas and made her catch fish for them or else they would beat her.
Thus, slavery was introduced to Coolumbia, just as Socrates had prophesized so many years earlier. The Dutch improved upon the idea of slavery, when they took black people from Africa and sold them to other Europeans in America at $10 bucks a head. It was kinda like finding gold and then selling it, except that gold doesn't talk back when its picking cotton and get the whip, which was the impetus behind the 1849 California Gold Rush, where homosexuals traveled to San Francisco to find gold so that they would not have to oversee those tawny, sinewy, sweaty black mean all day long and have to whip them into submission. After contemplating this thought, many of the homosexuals returned to their homes in order to oversee the slaves, while some stayed behind and built a large bridge across the bay, and just to be different, they painted it red, in honor of many red faced Indians they killed along the way so as to make their lives easier.
But, back in the south, life was difficult for the Europeans. Overhead costs were getting out of hand, as black people continued to escape toward the North, to safe havens such as New York, where slavery was no longer practiced, because the new hot trend in business was paper-pushing, a business which could be practiced by white people with somewhat ease, while the dirty jobs such as sanitation could be handled by lesser white folk such as the Irish. Black slaves showed up in New York City, free from their owners, yet they could not find work, or obtain property. This was not because the New Yorkers were racist, it was more because the New Yorkers tried to ignore the fact that there were black people in their town. If a black person was seen on the street, the Europeans rushed hurridly by them, trying not to make eye contact, and, knowing that the blacks had no money or homes or anything for that matter, kept their change purses close to their body with the hopes that the black man would not rob them.
This upset the blacks, and they settled in the area of Manhattan that the white man had pushed them into, so as to make areas such as Soho and Time Square more friendly to tourist dollars. The name of their new community came from a dispute between two parties over a leg of lamb. Each man claimed the leg as their own, but in the end, a noble man named Al Sharpton settled the dispute by stating that they both deserved this leg of lamb, and thus, they exclaimed "Our Lamb!", and the title stuck. Legs of lamb were the food of choice in this community, until one day, Col. Sanders opened a chicken stand on 125th street. The black people killed him and robbed him of all of his chicken, and the one left with the most chicken was a man everyone knew as Popeye. From then on, the stand was known as Popeye's, and the black man was pleased.
But, getting back to the white men in the south, they were angry at the white people in the North. Not because of the fact that the North allowed blacks to roam free, but mostly because they did not punish the blacks for killing Col. Sanders, who was revered in his home state of Kentucky. The Northerners argued that they did not punish the blacks because they feared that their change purses would be stoles, while the South argued that the Northerners should have been carrying their nigger whips like they were suppose to, as good practicing God fearing Christians. Thus, The immediate cause of the Civil War was that the Northerners were all Atheists, while the Southerners were all Bible Thumpers.
And so, America engaged in its bloodiest war ever, and at the end, they all decided that it was crazy to be fighting amongst its own white people, and so they got together, shot the President, and made a compromise. The South would abolish slavery, as long as they were allowed to kill the black people. The Supreme Court, looking at the past precedent of The United States vs. Dem Crazy Injuns, decided that it was ok to take away the natural rights of people, so long as they weren't white men. Thus, the KKK was started, and they killed all the black people they could find. But one day, a black women sat in a white section of a bus, and she proved that black people were people too, and so America made laws to ensure that black people were actually considered human beings and not just large monkeys who spoke English and wrote great books and knew how to dance and sing.
And so, America came to the point where it is at today, a nation with a terrible past that we wish to correct by focusing our energy on the real reason we live, and that is to consume oil, and so we must kill all Arabs and take the oil which they claim to own, so that we can use it.
And as we all know, these Arabs are taught religion in school, and look how crazy and warped they all turn out to be. It is this very reason why we cannot ever dare teach our children religion in school.
- GonzoStyle - 07-02-2003
Sadly, I bet you didn't write a single decent essay in high school.
- GonzoStyle - 07-02-2003
Quote:What if your kids have sex at school? Well, schools must now hand out condoms and teach kids about it.
They did in my HS, we even had a day care center for the students with kids.
- The Jays - 07-02-2003
... The only essay I ever knew in high school was a kid named Carlos....
- GonzoStyle - 07-02-2003
rub your eyes a bit, I can understand your vision being fucked up after typing so much, it's having a negative influence on your humor.
- The Sleeper - 07-02-2003
i'll read this tommorow at work
- Arpikarhu - 07-02-2003
no you wont. we already know that for all intents and purposes that you are functionally illiiterate
- Sir O - 07-02-2003
I just read that whole thing.
I'm confused.
Was it social commentary? If it was, I missed the message.
Was it humor? If it was, I missed teh funney.
Was it just drunken rambling? If it was, it makes perfect sense.
I was actually feeling it at first. The part about schools testing for drugs, I agree. Government has no business taking urine samples of students and looking for things they might have done wrong.
Then you lost me. Maybe that was the intention all along.
- Goatweed - 07-02-2003
I laughed, I cried, and I came away feeling a little bit better about myself.
Have you ever considered writing freelance for the Village Voice?
- GonzoStyle - 07-02-2003
Quote:Legs of lamb were the food of choice in this community, until one day, Col. Sanders opened a chicken stand on 125th street. The black people killed him and robbed him of all of his chicken
Now that's genius.
- The Sleeper - 07-02-2003
Quote:no you wont. we already know that for all intents and purposes that you are functionally illiiterateyou're right, i've decided it's easier for me to just stare at my screen
- GonzoStyle - 07-02-2003
WHO'D YOU PAY TO READ THAT TO YOU SO YOU COULD REPLY TO IT? HAHAHAHAHA SUCKA!!!!!!!
- HollywoodJewMoses - 07-02-2003
in my high school they didnt hand out condoms because it would encourage kids to have sex.
what a fantasmic high school :thumbs-up:
- GonzoStyle - 07-02-2003
You woulda had fun at my high school, we had all different kinds of color assorted condoms, I liked the red ones.
- Zootybang - 07-03-2003
Seriously, you have to be a fan of Dave Barry. You write In his style, but with way more typo's.
I'm very Impressed, and that means alot, me being the literary genious I am and all.
I probably spelled "Genious" wrong. I always do.
- GonzoStyle - 07-03-2003
It's actually a common thing I noticed adding the 'o', it's 'genius'.
- The Jays - 07-04-2003
... I've been writing this stuff for a while... I have about 150 pages done.....
- Zootybang - 07-04-2003
You should try this new trend going around. It's called "Outside".
It's pretty cool. There's this weird sensation of something moving past your body that you cant see, called a "Breeze", and this big ball of light and heat In the sky. I know It sounds Incredible.
I saw a small furry creature known as a "Squirrel". Would you believe that, If you lived upstate, you could eat them? I was flabbergasted myself.
- The Jays - 07-04-2003
... I like to take my laptop to the park and to the boardwalk....
- GonzoStyle - 07-04-2003
Do you impress the chicks with your sig pics and genius rhetoric?