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+--- Thread: Where to masturbate. - SLEEPER IS RIGHT: YOU ARE ALL WRONG (/showthread.php?tid=9819)
- Galt - 12-30-2004
The toilet is the most sanitary and logical place to shoot. Sure, it's not "romantic", but give me a break you are stroking your own cock -- you're not going to be in the mood to hover over the toilet? Why not light some scented candles of rose petals you pansy?
The toilet is by far the most logical. It's got nothing to do with fetish or attraction. It's quickest cleanup. shoot. wipe any stragglers. Flush. wash hands. It's a bodily fluid emission, that's what the toilet's made for.
Other (wrong) options
Into a tissue. Relatively clean, but it's also constricting in that you have to make sure you're aiming in a specific place, kinda takes away from some of the enjoyment. Plus, you are also left with that rank smell as a trashcan filled with goo festers in your room. There's also a chance you could miss or break through the tissue and then you've gotta break out the oxy-clean for the comforter or your floor.
Into a condom. That's just weird. and a waste of money. It's sanitary to the point of being eerily anal. But I don't see the point of forcing you to impose a condom-only policy on your penis even when there is zero chance of getting anyone pregnant. Why would you intentionally take away physical pleasure when you don't have to?
Into your sock - fucking gross. You've gotta wear that again. And after you beat off and you have that nasty sock sitting with all your other clothes in the hamper, they're all going to get contaminated. Plus, it's a waste of a sock. And if you're using a dirty sock, then you have no right to talk about the nastiness of beating off over a toilet. It's a smelly sweaty sock for Christ's sake.
Onto your person. That is kind of gay. semen should never touchh a man. Even when a girl's riding me and I finish and it starts to leak down on me, it still kind of skeeves me out. You risk overshooting and coming in your mouth and swallowing (like Gonzo has done) or hitting yourself in the face, or your pillow, or some other place that you might not realize until you roll over into it at night. Even if you do manage to get it all onto your chest, or into your belly button, you're still there like a turtle on its back struggling to clean up awkwardly without spilling anywhere.
In the shower. Also gross, and just as bad as pissing in the shower. Did you grow up on a farm? Have some respect for the people who also have to use the shower in your house? They don't want to be stepping in your babies. If you live alone, then the peopl who might move in after you move out. It's gross. And it sticks there. the shower never washes it all down. So you have to get down on your knees and wipe the shit out. Kind of gross. Also, whenever I beat off in the shower soap gets into my wee wee and it stings, and then peeing hurts. It's not worth it.
And anyone who claims the hardship of "I need to be able to watch a movie or a video clip, and taking a magazine into the bathroom will look suspicious" is mentally feeble.
Edited By Galt on 1104387578
- The Sleeper - 12-30-2004
stop making so much sense
- HollywoodJewMoses - 12-30-2004
i masturbate into my garbage can.
- The Jays - 12-30-2004
I masturbate into women's vaginas.
- HollywoodJewMoses - 12-30-2004
i didnt know that counted.
- Bloody Anus - 12-30-2004
An interesting theory, albeit completely wrong.
Sure it sounds nice on paper, but the semantics of hovering over a toilet to do anything, much less masturbate, are flawed. Specifically, how does one actually "hover?"
You can't stand upright in front of the toilet and shoot as if you're taking a piss - not without some uncomfortable cock bending, anyway. And even still, chances are you'd be too high up, so at some point you'll miss and need to clean off the toilet rim, seat or even the floor.
On your knees? I can only speak for myself, but I'm about even with the bowl when on my knees. Meaning I'd need to plop my balls on the ice cold porcelain and, once again, bend my cock downward to get into the toilet rather than onto it. And not just porcelain, but any old, wet pubic hair or piss that may be present on it at the time.
Or do you go into a half-squat like Jason Varitek calling for a fastball? I don't know about you, but I find it tough keeping my balance in such a position while simultaneously trying to masturbate. Keeps feeling like my knees are
gonna give at any second.
Of course, there's the sit on the toilet phenomenon, but it goes without saying the kind of leaning forward/cock bending that would be involved here. Not to mention the potential cock dip into the water, or rubbing against the dirty porcelain. Plus whenever I sit on a toilet my ass automatically assumes I need to shit, so involuntarily widens enough to accomodate. Not a good sensation to have when you're trying to get or stay aroused.
The best way as I see it to masturbate over a toilet would be to get into the Varitek position with one hand leaning against the wall and the other for jacking. Not exactly the most comfortable position to be in, even if it is just for stroking your own cock. Plus, say you just cleaned the toilet, then have a mastubatory emergency come up in a few hours. Do you really want to jerk off into a toilet you just scrubbed clean? Not only would that feel like a waste of time, but a waste of a perfectly good toilet duck as well.
I mostly agree with the tissue concept, but there's really no aiming involved if you just wrap yourself up in time. Using only one tissue though is just asking for a mess, either on the ceiling or on the bed or wherever you're stationed. Multiple tissues (minimum 4) will prevent breaking and help make the cleanup that much quicker. On the same note, a paper towel would be much more sturdy than a flimsy kleenex. And if it's that big a deal to have some spunk-crusted tissues festering in the garbage, here's an idea - TAKE THE GARBAGE OUT!
The shower is really not that bad if you live alone and know full well you will be the only one using it. Otherwise I agree, it's nasty. You don't need to stand or lean or bend, you can lather up as much as you want, lay down, kick your legs in the air, sit, whatever the shower accomodates. And since when is semen in the least bit resistant to water? It's a liquid! Unless you don't clean up afterwards and let it sit there for days, it's not that difficult to get rid of. Speaking of which, what's wrong with cleaning/scrubbing the shower? You should be doing that on a somewhat regular basis anyway, regardless of what you're doing in there. But even if you don't, somebody will before any new people move into your place, so that's not even an issue.
Agreed, beating off into a sock is completely disgusting if you're going to wear that sock again. Which is why you use socks that you'd otherwise throw out. Not because they're dirty (that's what a WASHING MACHINE is for), but because there's a small tear near the calf/ankle, they got stretched out, you just got new ones and these are expendable, whatever the case may be. You separate these from your regular socks - be it in another drawer, shelf, shoebox, cabinet, closet, whatever is most convenient and inconspicuous. Same goes for after-use, no way they should ever be mixed with normal laundry.
Of course, it's tough validating an entire load of laundry for one soiled sock. Which is why a collection of 10-12 masturbation socks is warranted. This will make up a respectable small load (of laundry), and you won't have to worry about reusing an old, yellow, crusty sock. This method should only be used with white socks, so as to bleach the holy shit out of those things in the wash.
While I don't "need" to be able to watch something while masturbating, it certainly does help and is preferred. I don't have a hard drive full of porn just to casually watch and critique over a meal. Since I don't have a laptop, it's just not practical to get all worked up to some porn, then run into the bathroom with my shorts down/off to lean against the wall on wobbly knees and (try to) aim into the toilet. All I would be able to concentrate on is aiming and how if I slip and fall I'd do some serious damage and have an awkward story to try telling. However, I do agree that anyone that pays $11 for a porno magazine is indeed retarded.
Sock masturbation is clearly the way to go. You can use it while in a chair in front of the computer, leaned back, laying down, in bed, on the couch, on the floor, watching TV, wherever. This is of course assuming the above sanitary conditions are met. Otherwise you may as well try spelling out your name on the kitchen floor, because that's how disgusting you probably are.
- HedCold - 12-30-2004
as long as you have a sense of where the drain is and you don't sling it around like a monkey throwing poo, i don't see the problem with doing it in the shower
- Goatweed - 12-30-2004
yeah, showers work the best - cleanup is easy, too.
- GonzoStyle - 12-30-2004
But you risk injury when masturbating in an upright position, what if its a really good jerk and your knees buckle? Then you fall and crack your head on the toilet or sink and are knocked out or even worse, dead. Then someone finds you cock in hand with cum dripping off the toilet... death will be a blessing cause you don't wanna have to live to explain that.... then again I cum on my "person" as galt described so I am gay and my opinion is null and void in american society.
- Galt - 12-30-2004
You cum in your mouth and swallow it. You have admitted it and so we'll just move on.
The proper position on the toilet is to sit in a reverse cowgirl position. This does present a problem if you have one of of those toilet seats shaped like a horeshoe. Unfortunately I would say that precludes you from performing this task properly and I would recommending not living in that apartment/house, or acquiring a new toilet. Unless you are fat, this is quite an easy task
For added sanity, you might want to lay some toilet paper on the back of the seat covering the gap between the lid and the seat.
You can lube up, spit, whatever and just go to town. You have perfect balance and your testicles are quite conviniently displayed for toggling. You can lean forward shifting your weight more toward your knees and make it available to stick a finger up your ass if that's your pleasure.
In the shower is where you have that awkwardness of how you are going to stand -- not over the toilet. The thing is 1 foot wide and so you can't spread your legs out. I can't have all the water over me because then I can't get the proper friction going, and as I have already mentioned, it hurts. Soap gets inside the urethra and stings. Finally to make masturbating as enjoyable as possible you need some lube or spit or moisturizer and in the shower it gets washed right off. I guess you can use conditioner, but then it stings like a bastard.
The sock is gross. Unless you have a separate airtight container just for your cum socks. Also, as you cum, you have to stick your dick into the opening of the sock preventing yoursel from handling the tip right at the moment of climax and the split second afterwards -- that's the key moment. And I'm sorry, if I had some responsibility of jamming my dick into a sock or a pile of tissues, it would just not be as enjoyable.
The toilet is without competition the most sanitary AND the most enjoyable spot that exists.
- Arpikarhu - 12-30-2004
this sort of intellectual debate is proof that we live in an age of enlightenment and reason.
Huzzah for mankind!!
- Buttmunch - 12-30-2004
I'm sorry.
This is too regimented and martial in aspect.
I will not bend to the spanking Nazis.
I want some sponaneity in my masturbation.
- Gooch - 12-30-2004
huzzah!
- crx girl - 12-30-2004
i guess sleeper can look forward to years of efficient sex.
- GonzoStyle - 12-30-2004
Quote:You cum in your mouth and swallow it. You have admitted it and so we'll just move on.
By ACCIDENT!!!
- Goatweed - 12-30-2004
so you say...
- Mad - 12-30-2004
Efficient and sex are two words that should never be used together, ever.
- Gooch - 12-30-2004
GonzoStyle Wrote:this was back when you were eating no carbs and only protein. Admit it!!!!! Admit it!!!!!!!!Quote:You cum in your mouth and swallow it. You have admitted it and so we'll just move on.
By ACCIDENT!!!
- GonzoStyle - 12-30-2004
I admitted to the action and said it was an accident, when have I ever been embarassed to admit something? It's not like I was planning it and had my mouth open just waiting for the juices to drop in there.
- Arpikarhu - 12-30-2004
Quote:It's not like I was planning it and had my mouth open just waiting for the juices to drop in there.
i think this was exactly what you had planned