09-18-2007, 07:30 AM
1. How many golf balls can fit in a school bus?
A lot.
2. You are shrunk to the height of a nickel and your mass is proportionally reduced so as to maintain your original density. You are then thrown into an empty glass blender. The blades will start moving in 60 seconds. What do you do?
Is this a common occurrence? Do I need to be concerned about being shrunk if I accept this job? Will Wayne Szalinski be my immediate supervisor? But to answer the question – I’d sit and wait impatiently to die, counting the seconds until I no longer have to live in a world where I am expected to answer such asinine questions.
3. How much should you charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?
Significantly more than this job pays.
4. How would you find out if a machine’s stack grows up or down in memory?
I would quantify the equilibrium of said machine by psychoanalyzing the virtues of both memory stacks against one another, in a quasi-controlled chemically retroactive chasm environment, of course. Then to measure the precise size of growth, I would refuckulate the catapulters at 0800 hours so as to not recapitulate the wonton soup. Finally, in order to measure the machine’s memory quotient, I would need to synthesize the corollary which is closest to being perpendicular to the cosine of the nearest whole number, in this case 39. It is pivotal to not oversimplify the altitude of the machine by using a number such as the tangent, as this would create what I like to call a pseudo-dimensional influx, a scenario which I’m sure you would like to avoid at all costs.
5. Explain a database in three sentences to your eight-year-old nephew.
I don’t have an eight-year-old nephew, therefore this question is null.
6. How many times a day does a clock’s hands overlap?
How many times a day do you ask stupid, meaningless questions? Yes, that was a rhetorical question. The correct answer is 22.
7. You have to get from point A to point B. You don’t know if you can get there. What would you do?
If I were driving, I’d point my web browser to a largely unknown, up and coming website called mapquest.com. You might have heard of them. I would then jointly use my peripheral devices – namely my keyboard and mouse - to type in the starting address (point A) and the ending address (point B) in the appropriate fields. I would then click on the “get directions” link and proceed to print out the directions to the printer that is attached via a USB cable to my desktop computer. I would then take this 8 ½ x 11 sheet of paper with me into the car and follow the directions it printed out. If I were walking, I would just walk into oncoming traffic to avoid having to answer such ridiculous, obvious, pompous, inane questions.
8. Imagine you have a closet full of shirts. It’s very hard to find a shirt. So what can you do to organize your shirts for easy retrieval?
I can organize them by color, by frequency of use, chronological by purchase date, or I can tell you some other convoluted thing that you are looking to hear. Or I can simply keep them unorganized and sacrifice the whole extra minute of my life it would take to find your stupid collared polo alligator geeky fucking shirt. Shit! That extra minute might make me late for work though, and I would hate to be late to work at Google, where the penalty is death by shrinking and being tossed into a blender.
9. Every man in a village of 100 married couples has cheated on his wife. Every wife in the village instantly knows when a man other than her husband has cheated, but does not know when her own husband has. The village has a law that does not allow for adultery. Any wife who can prove that her husband is unfaithful must kill him that very day. The women of the village would never disobey this law. One day, the queen of the village visits and announces that at least one husband has been unfaithful. What happens?
I’m sorry, but is this an IQ test or a job interview? Is this some sort of subliminal way of telling me not to seek other employment, for fear of “the queen” (read: “Google”) killing me for my unfaithfulness to the company?
10. In a country in which people only want boys, every family continues to have children until they have a boy. if they have a girl, they have another child. if they have a boy, they stop. what is the proportion of boys to girls in the country?
Is this another condition of employment? Are all women hired by Google mandated to give birth only to boys? How many girls are they allowed to give birth to before the queen intervenes, shrinks them and their whore daughters and throws them all in a blender?
11. If the probability of observing a car in 30 minutes on a highway is 0.95, what is the probability of observing a car in 10 minutes (assuming constant default probability)?
If you are on a train travelling 55 mph from California, and Joe Morgan is on a train travelling 75 mph from Cincinnati, who will ask more stupid questions (assuming a constant probability of stupidity)?
12. If you look at a clock and the time is 3:15, what is the angle between the hour and the minute hands? (The answer to this is not zero!)
If I look at a clock and the time is 3:15 (pm), the only thing that means to me is that I am 105 minutes away from leaving work and driving home, when I am hopefully involved in a fatal car accident which will ensure I’ll never again have to waste my time answering such meaningless, irrelevant, holier than thou bullshit questions.
13. Four people need to cross a rickety rope bridge to get back to their camp at night. Unfortunately, they only have one flashlight and it only has enough light left for seventeen minutes. The bridge is too dangerous to cross without a flashlight, and it’s only strong enough to support two people at any given time. Each of the campers walks at a different speed. One can cross the bridge in 1 minute, another in 2 minutes, the third in 5 minutes, and the slow poke takes 10 minutes to cross. How do the campers make it across in 17 minutes?
I don’t fucking know. Who fucking cares? Unless I am interviewing for the position of Google Boy Scout Leader, which I’m pretty sure I’m not, how is answering this question going to tell you anything meaningful about my ability to perform my DESK job, which will be performed in an OFFICE, without bridges and ropes and camp sites and rickets and goddamn slow pokes getting in my way. Get fucked!
14. You are at a party with a friend and 10 people are present including you and the friend. your friend makes you a wager that for every person you find that has the same birthday as you, you get $1; for every person he finds that does not have the same birthday as you, he gets $2. would you accept the wager?
Allow me to answer this with a question of my own. Come up with the answer in 30 seconds, or die. As I was going to St. Ives I met a man with seven wives. And every wife had seven sacks, every sack had seven cats, every cat had seven kits, kits, cats, sacks, wives. How many were going to St. Ives?
15. How many piano tuners are there in the entire world?
How the fuck should I know? Who fucking cares? Why is it my problem if you need your piano tuned? Figure it out for yourself, you lazy cunt. Who the fuck owns a piano, anyway? What a loser. SUCK YOURSELF!
16. You have eight balls all of the same size. 7 of them weigh the same, and one of them weighs slightly more. How can you find the ball that is heavier by using a balance and only two weighings?
First I’d need to get into the proper mindset and prepare myself for taking an IQ test. Then I’d be sure to show up to the test location and NOT A JOB INTERVIEW. Because were I to show up to a job interview, my frame of mind would be completely different. See, I’d be more focused on answering questions relating to the job – i.e. how many years experience do you have cleaning toilets, what is the proper way of cleaning a urinal filled with poop, how would you handle a toilet filled with menstrual blood, what is the proper way to hold a plunger, etc. Whereas if I showed up for an IQ test, I’d be more focused on answering the types of questions you’ve asked and less focused on what to do when a fat bitch leaves her wallet in the bathroom.
17. You have five pirates, ranked from 5 to 1 in descending order. The top pirate has the right to propose how 100 gold coins should be divided among them. But the others get to vote on his plan, and if fewer than half agree with him, he gets killed. How should he allocate the gold in order to maximize his share but live to enjoy it? (Hint: One pirate ends up with 98 percent of the gold.)
Yeah, yeah. I get the subliminal bullshit already. Just kill me. Kill me now since I don’t agree with your “plan”. This entire bullshit interview process and your entire “unique” “think outside of the box” approach is completely full of shit. You think you’re being all different and clever and that you’re a one of a kind, state of the art company, but you’re not. You’re all just a bunch of dicks. No better, no worse than any other shitty company out there. All job interviews suck, period. It’s all about deciphering what the interviewer/company wants to hear and then kissing their ass with the same old regurgitated answers that you’ve given on all your other job interviews and that they’ve heard from all their other interviewees. It is such an absurd, antiquated, awful, tedious, aggravating, mind-numbing experience. But at least the other shitty companies ask you answerable, sometimes even relevant, questions and not these convoluted fucked up riddles and brain teasers. Who the fuck do you think you are?
Do you still think you have what it takes to work for Google?
What kind of a self-aggrandizing asshole would ever want to work for such a self-aggrandizing company? Gmail and Google Documents are still very nice products though, and I will continue to use them despite my newfound disgust towards your employment procedures. Now, don’t you have some memory stacks to shrink or something?
A lot.
2. You are shrunk to the height of a nickel and your mass is proportionally reduced so as to maintain your original density. You are then thrown into an empty glass blender. The blades will start moving in 60 seconds. What do you do?
Is this a common occurrence? Do I need to be concerned about being shrunk if I accept this job? Will Wayne Szalinski be my immediate supervisor? But to answer the question – I’d sit and wait impatiently to die, counting the seconds until I no longer have to live in a world where I am expected to answer such asinine questions.
3. How much should you charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?
Significantly more than this job pays.
4. How would you find out if a machine’s stack grows up or down in memory?
I would quantify the equilibrium of said machine by psychoanalyzing the virtues of both memory stacks against one another, in a quasi-controlled chemically retroactive chasm environment, of course. Then to measure the precise size of growth, I would refuckulate the catapulters at 0800 hours so as to not recapitulate the wonton soup. Finally, in order to measure the machine’s memory quotient, I would need to synthesize the corollary which is closest to being perpendicular to the cosine of the nearest whole number, in this case 39. It is pivotal to not oversimplify the altitude of the machine by using a number such as the tangent, as this would create what I like to call a pseudo-dimensional influx, a scenario which I’m sure you would like to avoid at all costs.
5. Explain a database in three sentences to your eight-year-old nephew.
I don’t have an eight-year-old nephew, therefore this question is null.
6. How many times a day does a clock’s hands overlap?
How many times a day do you ask stupid, meaningless questions? Yes, that was a rhetorical question. The correct answer is 22.
7. You have to get from point A to point B. You don’t know if you can get there. What would you do?
If I were driving, I’d point my web browser to a largely unknown, up and coming website called mapquest.com. You might have heard of them. I would then jointly use my peripheral devices – namely my keyboard and mouse - to type in the starting address (point A) and the ending address (point B) in the appropriate fields. I would then click on the “get directions” link and proceed to print out the directions to the printer that is attached via a USB cable to my desktop computer. I would then take this 8 ½ x 11 sheet of paper with me into the car and follow the directions it printed out. If I were walking, I would just walk into oncoming traffic to avoid having to answer such ridiculous, obvious, pompous, inane questions.
8. Imagine you have a closet full of shirts. It’s very hard to find a shirt. So what can you do to organize your shirts for easy retrieval?
I can organize them by color, by frequency of use, chronological by purchase date, or I can tell you some other convoluted thing that you are looking to hear. Or I can simply keep them unorganized and sacrifice the whole extra minute of my life it would take to find your stupid collared polo alligator geeky fucking shirt. Shit! That extra minute might make me late for work though, and I would hate to be late to work at Google, where the penalty is death by shrinking and being tossed into a blender.
9. Every man in a village of 100 married couples has cheated on his wife. Every wife in the village instantly knows when a man other than her husband has cheated, but does not know when her own husband has. The village has a law that does not allow for adultery. Any wife who can prove that her husband is unfaithful must kill him that very day. The women of the village would never disobey this law. One day, the queen of the village visits and announces that at least one husband has been unfaithful. What happens?
I’m sorry, but is this an IQ test or a job interview? Is this some sort of subliminal way of telling me not to seek other employment, for fear of “the queen” (read: “Google”) killing me for my unfaithfulness to the company?
10. In a country in which people only want boys, every family continues to have children until they have a boy. if they have a girl, they have another child. if they have a boy, they stop. what is the proportion of boys to girls in the country?
Is this another condition of employment? Are all women hired by Google mandated to give birth only to boys? How many girls are they allowed to give birth to before the queen intervenes, shrinks them and their whore daughters and throws them all in a blender?
11. If the probability of observing a car in 30 minutes on a highway is 0.95, what is the probability of observing a car in 10 minutes (assuming constant default probability)?
If you are on a train travelling 55 mph from California, and Joe Morgan is on a train travelling 75 mph from Cincinnati, who will ask more stupid questions (assuming a constant probability of stupidity)?
12. If you look at a clock and the time is 3:15, what is the angle between the hour and the minute hands? (The answer to this is not zero!)
If I look at a clock and the time is 3:15 (pm), the only thing that means to me is that I am 105 minutes away from leaving work and driving home, when I am hopefully involved in a fatal car accident which will ensure I’ll never again have to waste my time answering such meaningless, irrelevant, holier than thou bullshit questions.
13. Four people need to cross a rickety rope bridge to get back to their camp at night. Unfortunately, they only have one flashlight and it only has enough light left for seventeen minutes. The bridge is too dangerous to cross without a flashlight, and it’s only strong enough to support two people at any given time. Each of the campers walks at a different speed. One can cross the bridge in 1 minute, another in 2 minutes, the third in 5 minutes, and the slow poke takes 10 minutes to cross. How do the campers make it across in 17 minutes?
I don’t fucking know. Who fucking cares? Unless I am interviewing for the position of Google Boy Scout Leader, which I’m pretty sure I’m not, how is answering this question going to tell you anything meaningful about my ability to perform my DESK job, which will be performed in an OFFICE, without bridges and ropes and camp sites and rickets and goddamn slow pokes getting in my way. Get fucked!
14. You are at a party with a friend and 10 people are present including you and the friend. your friend makes you a wager that for every person you find that has the same birthday as you, you get $1; for every person he finds that does not have the same birthday as you, he gets $2. would you accept the wager?
Allow me to answer this with a question of my own. Come up with the answer in 30 seconds, or die. As I was going to St. Ives I met a man with seven wives. And every wife had seven sacks, every sack had seven cats, every cat had seven kits, kits, cats, sacks, wives. How many were going to St. Ives?
15. How many piano tuners are there in the entire world?
How the fuck should I know? Who fucking cares? Why is it my problem if you need your piano tuned? Figure it out for yourself, you lazy cunt. Who the fuck owns a piano, anyway? What a loser. SUCK YOURSELF!
16. You have eight balls all of the same size. 7 of them weigh the same, and one of them weighs slightly more. How can you find the ball that is heavier by using a balance and only two weighings?
First I’d need to get into the proper mindset and prepare myself for taking an IQ test. Then I’d be sure to show up to the test location and NOT A JOB INTERVIEW. Because were I to show up to a job interview, my frame of mind would be completely different. See, I’d be more focused on answering questions relating to the job – i.e. how many years experience do you have cleaning toilets, what is the proper way of cleaning a urinal filled with poop, how would you handle a toilet filled with menstrual blood, what is the proper way to hold a plunger, etc. Whereas if I showed up for an IQ test, I’d be more focused on answering the types of questions you’ve asked and less focused on what to do when a fat bitch leaves her wallet in the bathroom.
17. You have five pirates, ranked from 5 to 1 in descending order. The top pirate has the right to propose how 100 gold coins should be divided among them. But the others get to vote on his plan, and if fewer than half agree with him, he gets killed. How should he allocate the gold in order to maximize his share but live to enjoy it? (Hint: One pirate ends up with 98 percent of the gold.)
Yeah, yeah. I get the subliminal bullshit already. Just kill me. Kill me now since I don’t agree with your “plan”. This entire bullshit interview process and your entire “unique” “think outside of the box” approach is completely full of shit. You think you’re being all different and clever and that you’re a one of a kind, state of the art company, but you’re not. You’re all just a bunch of dicks. No better, no worse than any other shitty company out there. All job interviews suck, period. It’s all about deciphering what the interviewer/company wants to hear and then kissing their ass with the same old regurgitated answers that you’ve given on all your other job interviews and that they’ve heard from all their other interviewees. It is such an absurd, antiquated, awful, tedious, aggravating, mind-numbing experience. But at least the other shitty companies ask you answerable, sometimes even relevant, questions and not these convoluted fucked up riddles and brain teasers. Who the fuck do you think you are?
Do you still think you have what it takes to work for Google?
What kind of a self-aggrandizing asshole would ever want to work for such a self-aggrandizing company? Gmail and Google Documents are still very nice products though, and I will continue to use them despite my newfound disgust towards your employment procedures. Now, don’t you have some memory stacks to shrink or something?