Joke of the day - Cause i need a laugh

[Arthur Dent]

JOKE OF THE DAY
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are
the finalists:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning
quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
***********************
"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
***********************
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
***********************
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
***********************
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
***********************
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working
on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know
when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
***********************
"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell
Computers)
***********************
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
***********************
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told
my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on
the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD
Florists)
***********************
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
Division)
***********************
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
***********************
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
***********************
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our
company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of
the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals.
The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called
into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president
wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that
she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company.
Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired
and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.
The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his
dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me
not to worry. He would take care of it.
Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no
words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used
in company memos.
A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my
resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell
Corporation)

[OAS]

I want to hire the Director of Communications guy from Taco Bell. Bra f'n Vo to him. :bow:

[Galt]

So a baby seal walks into a club....

[Goatweed]

...and said "barkeep - I wanna get hammered!" ?

[Arpikarhu]

i thought this thread was going to be about Kid's resume'.

[OAS]

Arpi - A joke for any occasion.

[Arpikarhu]

"OAS, rerunning stale jokes since 1932! If you have heard it before, it's OAS. Ask for it by name!"

[OAS]

That was your best shot? :disappointed:

[Arpikarhu]

nice comeback. its falls in place with your usual standards

[OAS]

Arpi, contact NYU and ask to speak to the English Department. Ask them to clarify for you the difference between a question and a statement. I asked a question. A comeback would be a statement. When you grasp an understanding of the two, please return and answer the question. Thank you.

[DGW]

bitch fight!!!!

back on topic

What's the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

[Arthur Dent]

An impromptu Press Conference was held recently with God in Panama City,
Florida. This is a transcript of God's answers. Unfortunately, microphones
weren't working among the press corps, so we only have God's answers on
audiotape, but not the questions He was asked...



----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
All these statements are from God:


"I have no idea where that fish thing came from. If I was going to make a
secret symbol, I would have used the hydrogen atom, or maybe the number
eight lying on it's side as the symbol for infinity, not a fish. And the
Cross, why is everybody so hung up on that? It's like a guillotine or an
electric chair. Why are you all wearing something morbid like that around
your necks?"



"Here's how you cure cancer: make it more cool for a kid to grow up to be a
scientist than it is for him to be an athlete or a Pop Star. That's how you
cure cancer. Also, teach your girls to dig scientists, that'll do it."


"In 6 days? Define "day". Back then a day lasted until I was done."


"You can travel to other planets after you learn to take care of this one."


"Ha! Aliens don't believe in you, either. In fact, countless trillions upon
trillions of aliens don't believe in you. And they don't care, either! But
they were rooting for the chick on American Idol."



"Rosary Beads are a crutch. And so is the wafer. Move on."



"He was guilty as Hell, but the cops did plant the glove by the fence and
Nicole's blood on the sock."



"No, you can never travel through time. It's a problem with physics, it
won't work. If it did, everybody would be going back to meet Jesus and he'd
never get any work done."




"Yes, I loved that one. Jesus was great! Ask Pat Robertson to die for Me,
see how far you'd get! Heck, most of you wouldn't even attend church if it
didn't have air conditioning. And how come you fly the flags of football
teams on your cars, but not God Flags? I'd accept Jesus Flags, even Heaven
Flags, but you never see that. I'm hurt. What good are the Green Bay Packers
going to do for you? It makes no sense."




"The Jews are not 'chosen' they're just smarter than their enemies, that's
all there is to it. Jews put much more emphasis on science, and whoever
knows the most about science wins. It's that simple."




"It took me years to get him to figure that out. I was planting E=MC2 in
Einstein's dreams for 20 years before he finally got it."




"Coming back? Am I coming back? I never left! Think about it, I'm
everywhere. How can I go away?"




It was a weather balloon with life-size anamorphically correct dummies with
tin foil that wouldn't stay squished. Yes, the Air Force was 100% on that
one (and I didn't make little green apples).




"If the Bible was My Word, I would have put my name on it and I wouldn't let
it be rewritten a million different ways. The Bible was supposed to be a
nice storybook about happy things and some poetry and some history. Now look
at it. There are more books explaining what I supposedly meant in the Bible
than there are Bibles. Read some Clive Cussler for a change, those are
fantastic adventure stories."



"Nostradamus was a hoot. Hister! Ha! I liked that one. I truly enjoyed much
of his poetry, and I should have had him work on the Bible, it would've been
more entertaining.



"Revelations was written by John while he was hopped up on wacky weed. Don't
read anything into it."


"Here's a clue: if any person claims to be acting in MY name, but is making
a ton of money doing it, he's a fraud. I don't need money. Mother Theresa is
the only one recently I can recall who had my stamp of approval. "




Jerry Falwell is a nut, and I can prove it."




"And that reminds me, I'm going to be issuing Man of God I.D. cards soon,
and precious few of your ministers are going to get one. It's time to get
serious about this before organized religion blasts you all back into the
dark ages."




"My 'Ways' are only mysterious because you spend all your time following
celebrities instead of studying science. Every answer is in quantum physics
and DNA. Figure it out. How old is the Earth? Ask the Earth. How come nobody
is asking me if it will ever be possible to fly? Because you figured that
one out already! Same with the others."



"Koran? Never heard of it."


"You are still only using 10% of your brain. When you get to 50%, you'll
figure out what I mean by 'Cleanliness is next to Godliness'."


"If I answered that, you wouldn't spend enough time living prior to death."



"Daddy drank because you cried. (The person thinking of that question
understands, the rest of you never mind.)"



"It was big all right, but there was no "bang". Sound can't travel in a
vacuum, brainiac."



"You called them miracles, I called them Magic Tricks. Again, it's just
physics. Figure it out."




"Really, that's it. One last question... Yes, the future will be exactly
like Star Trek. Do you think Gene Roddenberry dreamt all that up by himself?
I HolyGhost-wrote most of the episodes."




"That's all... thank you very much. Just remember what I said... what?, I
would never let Satan buy somebody's soul, Tiger is just Damn good. Goodbye
everybody!"

[kindred]

A fish swimming along runs into a cement wall.

And what does the fish say to himself??













"dam"

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Hey Ladi]

these are like the jokes you told when you were 5

knock knock
who's there
apple
apple who
apple pie! :rofl:

... and then you'd laugh hysterically at your own genius .... wait, you people do that now :-D

[fbd]

if these are the jokes of the day, today must really suck ass

[Maynard]

I thought dents stuff was funny. Too bad he didn't write anything with the copy and paste job.

[Noellevious]

The Interrupting Cow joke beats all.

[Galt]

Goatweed didn't get my joke

[fbd]

The Interrupting Cow joke beats all.

yes...yes it is. but it doesnt work in text

[Goatweed]

Goatweed didn't get my joke

I got it...I thought I'd add to it.

In hindsight, I shouldn't have.

Live and learn.

I chuckled ;-)