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| Posted By | Discussion Topic: Funerals A Time for Celbration Fuck Mourning. Gonzo's Sick Rant Of The Week: Fuck The Corpse. | ||||
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| GonzoStyle | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 1:33 AM |    | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70  | THE SURGEON GONZO'S WARNING: Ok i must and i emphasize MUST warn you about reading this. Now you should know by now that i am probably the sickest fuck on this board. Now This is something a bit new. I am gonna do a rant format of one of my sex stories. But this will probably offend almost everyone with a soul so please be forewarned. The following rant contains sick and twisted shit that will make most people sick and may fuck you up forever. Please go away if you are easily ....actually if you ever get offended. This rant is both serious and fucked up in nature. It's about my hatred for funeral's. I have never been to a funeral which was uninhabited by sad people; no drunken celebrations, no grave dancing, no spitting and cursing at the deceased. Then again, maybe I was never invited to the right funeral. But i am not invited to any more funerals or family gatherings but we will get to why in a second. Why do we cry, get angry at God (Or whatever you choose to worship) or back away from the coffin when it is our turn to view our dearly departed? why the Hell do people say idiotic things such as: "He / she looks good," or "Only the good die young," or, my personal favorite, "At least he / she died comfortably". To these people I must say: "No he / she doesn’t look good because he / she is dead," or "Death does not discriminate with age; we all die" or, my personal favorite, "When was the last time you died and how comfortable were you?" Now at my aunt sally's wake there she laid in her coffin and i was sitting by the podium and he husband said a few words. He said how great she was yadda yadda. Now aunt sally was an attractive woman but she was a cunt who deserved to die a terrible death which unfortunatly she didnt. But how do you sum up this whores life in 3 minutes? You can't. Now i have to sit through this shit and hear him talk about how good a mother she was yeah when the bitch wasn't sucking off every guy she could find for a pack of lucky strikes or a whiskey sour. So i had to get up and call her husband frank a lying sack of shit and that he should be glad the bitch was dead. I said hell i wish i could bring her back so i could kill the bitch again. Now needless to say none of the mourners took kindly to what i said. I was esorted to the waiting room. But i got my revenge after everyone cleared out i opened up her coffin and smacked the shit out of her. But while i was smacking her i noticed her body was warm. I figured hey what is the best way to show your sorry but to sexually abuse a corpse? Plus how would she say no? But i was smart i closed the lid of the coffin and i spooned up behind her and fucked the shit out of her. That is how we should celebrate and remember people. Gang bang the corpse, what better way to say that final goodbye to grandma? I’m sure you have already sensed my incredible loathing for the cathartic spectacle which we call "The Funeral Procession". I believe the most disgraceful thing you can do to a person is belittle them in any way. That is why I hate funerals. I say rent a warehouse and hold a massive orgy like the romans did. Which brings me back to my original point. People cry, get angry, curse and become emotional vegetables because they are selfish. That’s right, SELFISH. I can’t believe the audacity of someone saying "Why did he leave me?" or "How could she do this to me?". To you? what makes you so special? If you are that upset then kill yourself and get the fuck out of my way. They died. Period. End of life. There was no evil plot to despoil your great dreams of the future, no punishment dealt by the Gods, nor was it an act of revenge perpetrated to make your little life living Hell. You don’t see the families of the philpino kids in my basement when i accidentaly break their necks while ramming their little mouths With that little nugget in mind, it seems there are two options for mankind to take into consideration: Either worry about your eventual death, fearing everyone and everything that may lurk around corners of dark city streets, or live your life to the fullest extent, celebrating all the thrills and chills this world presents you on a daily basis. Gangbang the corpse while its warm rape your neighbor and wait outside a school with hershy kisses laced with roofies and pick up some 1st graders So the next time you are invited to a funeral viewing, wear a condom and a clown outfit. have fun be merry and fuck that dead bitch in the ass.  They are waiting to take us into the severed garden Do you know how pale & wanton thrillful comes death on a strange hour unannounced, unplanned for like a scaring over-friendly guest you've brought to bed Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws --Jim Morrison (An American Prayer) | ||||
| Sephiroth | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 6:19 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Dec. 00 | 6 year olds i can understand, but Necrophilia? Those kids in the dungeon better pray to be cremated. "why do you cry? You are nothing but a doll"-Sephiroth "Hey, are you 'THE' white guys all the brothers talk about?"- Vos Have any anime questions? E-Mail Me or IM me at AIM: Hitokiri182 Go to foundry Chat, home of NUDE TEEN Chatters  | ||||
Pompous, Arrogant, Enigmatic, Bitter, Quirky, Misanthrope with a Weird Sense of Humor and an Iron Clad Memory while flooding the board with my Stream of Consciousness UFC STRIKE 3 (I'm a dick and I like to ruin people's plans) | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 6:20 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Aug. 00 | Let's Put The Fun Back In Funeral Go Ahead, Give Me A Reason To Free Up Server Space! Write To Me Here Now Accepting Groupie Applications | ||||
| zootybang | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 6:36 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Oct. 00 | i have been all over the world,done all kinds of things,seen sight's you wouldn't imagine.but leave it to GS to make me think "hmmm,now theres something you don't read everyday".and at 6:30 in the morning,no less. God loves you.it's everyone else that thinks you're an asshole. "One time,i ate my neighbor's shit" | ||||
| Jon Benet Norton G.O.O.F.B.A.H.G.S. GTA3 Criminal Activity Specialist | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 6:43 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Dec. 00 | Holy shit!!! What better way to wake up then by reading Gonzo's rant. Bravo Gonzo :::Golf clap::: Bravo. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in all my life.  I need a napskee Check out my other sigs: Visit this Website "The saddest thing in life is wasted talent" -Machiavelli- "Whats a SIG PIC and how do I get one?" Jesus you gotta love utter stupidity. | ||||
| FaithfulListener | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 7:25 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Sep. 00 | Gonzo... you sick F. I still cant look at my curling iron the same way, and now this.... and i havent finished my first cup of coffee...damn. yes, you do put the "Fun" back in Funeral. sig pic under construction by PanterA Adopted by PanterA | ||||
| O+A_Armyman | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 7:32 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Dec. 00 | while i'm ready to go to school now. Funny thing is I actually agree with you one of our students passed away and they made us "Talk about our feelings" and all this Bull shit. I didn't even know the waste of flesh. Proud grunt of the O+A army | ||||
| onehung lo434 | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 7:47 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | The strangest part of this rant is having the mental image of a little blue fuzzy puppet smacking the corpse around lol.Whats next Gonzo, going to church dressed as Satan? :) :) | ||||
| HummerLovin I hope people forgot that I went home with Sandy Kane one night | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 8:03 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | Well, Gonz, I've gotta shout out a resounding, THANK YOU! I'm in the shittiest fucking mood imaginable (For reasons that will probably show up in the roomate venting thread later this afternoon) and i really could give a fuck less about anyone or anything.. And your warmhearted wonderful story was just what i needed to to reaffirm my disgust with humanity and charge off to school with my bag of insults and tirades loaded.. Fuck school, fuck the people at school and FUCK THE DEAD!!! {Don't worry, your not gonna see me on CNN later..... probably}  "I don't like 'I grooms myself' and neither should you!" | ||||
| Corpsegrinderjunk | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 8:32 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Aug. 00 | I agree, what a way to wake up...nothing like banging something that isn't gonna put up a fight. "Think before you write" - Froy E-Mail Me | ||||
USA Autoban Head Slap... Swim Move... | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 8:57 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Oct. 00 | What's the big deal? That all seemed pretty reasonable to me. Of course, I'm not necessarily known for my sanity. Gonzo, Aunt Sally died and you didn't invite me to the funeral. Bastard!  Mentor to Snakebite (Graduate) | ||||
| skuttlbut | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 9:24 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: May. 00 | perfectly healthy, perfectly normal... i've been having sex with dead people for years... they put up less of a fight...  | ||||
| o&aswallow | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 9:34 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | One important point Gonzo. One should only bang dead corpses that were under the age of 46 when they died. Beyond 46 you need additional lubricant when they are alive. Things dry up much more noticeably when they are corpses.  o&aswallow Recognized His Destiny Early. Too Many Hotties, Not Enough Horny Goat Weed It at first you don't succeed, keep on sucking till you do suck seed. - Curly Howard. | ||||
| That Guy | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 11:29 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Dec. 00 | You go GS. I bet that rigor made her nice and tight after all those years. I hope you blew your load inside her because if you pulled out and shot it in her face that would have been disrespectful. "Cry havoc...and let slip the dogs of war!" | ||||
| MaynardGKrebs | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 12:33 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Jan. 01 | Well, now it's my turn. Your rant offensive? Not at all. The only thing offensive about it was when I got to the bottom and you wrapped it up with your little "life lesson". You state, and I quote: "live your life to the fullest extent, celebrating all the thrills and chills this world presents you on a daily basis". Well, this is exactly what it sounds like your Aunt did. And that is what you condemn her for. You said she "hear him talk about how good a mother she was yeah when the bitch wasn't sucking off every guy she could find for a pack of lucky strikes or a whiskey sour.". Well, it sounds like she was living life to the fullest giving hummers and drinking. So the only thing I found offensive in here was your hypocritical lesson. But you still made me laugh my ass off.  | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 1:30 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | Maynard if i may retort to your above statement please. Yes i said both things, and i agree that she lived her life to the fullest. But what upset me about him saying she was good and a good mother was that HE WAS BEING THE HYPOCRITE in saying what he said. Why lie about a person, cause they're dead? And i didnt hate the bitch cause of those things i hated her just cause she was a nasty cunt and she wouldn't blow me while she was alive. But i got my revenge. But i was respectful enough to wear a condom when i anally intruded her in her nice mahogany coffin laced with silk. It bought on a change in my dating skills nothing like waiting for a chick to OD at a bar. Then tell everyone you'll take her to the hospital but you take her out to the woods and pop her eyes out and skull fuck her. I still get nervous in funeral homes for a while i would only do it with the coffin lid down but now i'm ok with it. They are waiting to take us into the severed garden Do you know how pale & wanton thrillful comes death on a strange hour unannounced, unplanned for like a scaring over-friendly guest you've brought to bed Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws --Jim Morrison (An American Prayer) This message was edited by GonzoStyle on 3-13-01 @ 1:37 PM | ||||
| MaynardGKrebs | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 1:39 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Jan. 01 | Oh, well you never stated in your original post that she wouldn't give you a hummer while she was alive. I thought you were just being a mean bastard. It's all good then. I'm glad to see you got your revenge. P.S. - Was she any good? | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 1:41 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | quote: well she was a little stiff...that old gag. quote: ::sniff sniff:: Slash i don't think i have been ever so proud to call you friend. They are waiting to take us into the severed garden Do you know how pale & wanton thrillful comes death on a strange hour unannounced, unplanned for like a scaring over-friendly guest you've brought to bed Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws --Jim Morrison (An American Prayer) | ||||
| Inappropriate Belle | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 1:44 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Feb. 01 | I agree with you Gonzo... the least people can do for someone who died is to be honest with them. The funeral should be a no-holds barred time to say whatever you need to about the person. Personally, I want a big fucking party for me when I'm dead, everyone should get fucked up and hell, if I'm an attractive corpse, do your worst I won't know the difference. I lived in New Orleans and I always loved the funeral Jazz Parades. Now those people know how to celebrate death! | ||||
| Cap'n Fudge | posted on 03-13-2001 @ 1:55 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | Gonzo, When does it get offensive? Ventriliquist Detective capnfudge@opieanthony.com | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 03-14-2001 @ 7:43 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | quote: Belle darling would i be wrong in anticipating your death then? They are waiting to take us into the severed garden Do you know how pale & wanton thrillful comes death on a strange hour unannounced, unplanned for like a scaring over-friendly guest you've brought to bed Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws --Jim Morrison (An American Prayer) | ||||
Displaying 1-21 of 21 messages in this thread. |