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 Displaying 1-25 of 57 messages in this thread. |
| Posted By | Discussion Topic: Warning...Do not have any liquid in mouth while reading this :) | ||||
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| Balisarious | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 9:28 AM |    | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Nov. 00  | Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape." "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) "Well, when my parents' dogs had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled. "So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. (Gotta love her!) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results. "Should I dial 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with my females?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is "of her womb", for God's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy." "What!?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, master, er, er, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ...just...Excited?", my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawlessness. Tears were now running down her face. "Just....that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look. (And women have the gall to go though the marriage ceremony with a straight face!)  | ||||
| skitchr4u G.O.O.F.B.A.H.G.S. Xtreme Skiing Assualt Force | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 9:35 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Dec. 00 | one word...sick | ||||
| Lt_Boogaloo | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 9:38 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Oct. 00 | Did little Ernie reciprocate when you got home? Next time, take him out for drinks first. Although the thought of a hamster-hummer is making me ill. Today is the day after the second-to-last day of your life. I like hard-to-navigate websites Ltboogaloo@yahoo.com | ||||
| King f-tard | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 9:49 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Feb. 01 | I bet the hamster liked it, after all, everyone knows that Bert and Ernie are gay. Bert was most likely going to town before you came in. | ||||
Nay. We are but men. ROCK. The man with the plan. | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 9:52 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | That was so funny, I crashed my computer into the center divider. Riiiiight.  Me droogies: Two positions currently available. | ||||
| Opie696 G.O.O.F.B.A.H.G.S. Soldier of Fortune Spec Ops Division | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 10:03 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Feb. 01 | I think this is unny as hell. so basically u helped him get off. LMMFAO, thats priceless. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA "I shoot people that don't get it." | ||||
| Drunk Boy | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 10:03 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | It was too long......didn't bother to finish. My attention span is to short. Better luck next time  Who Wants a BEER? | ||||
| Rog2K | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 10:17 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | Were you wondering why the "newborns" kept spitting at you during "delivery"? "The ass-f's need to be crushed."-Buttmunch | ||||
| Just Jon | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 10:46 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Aug. 00 | Great fucking story! I wasn't srinking and I still sprayed my drink all over my monitor! "That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination." -Clerks -----  E-mail: JustJon@opieanthony.com AIM: JonNeedsSN Adoptee: Delta Sigma Phuk Ups You listen to me! While I will admit to a certain cynicism, the fact is I am a nay-sayer and a hatchet man in the fight against violence! I pride myself in taking a punch and I'll gladly take another because I choose to live my life in the company of Gandhi and King! My concerns are global. I reject absolutely revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method...is love. I love you, Sheriff Truman. | ||||
| HummerLovin I hope people forgot that I went home with Sandy Kane one night | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 10:51 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | That was pretty damn long, but i made it through.. So, did Ernie have a copy of Playhampster next to him or was he just using his imagination? [fuck sig pics]I'm fucking sick of the hassle[/fuck sig pics] "My life is miserable so FUCK YOU!!!" | ||||
...And now the battle between us and them has begun. JYD-4-LIFE. | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 10:55 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: May. 00 | know what that story needed? a car chase, now that would have made it interesting. i nice car chase with guns, yeah, guns, a shootout. you take the hamster in the car while hes feigning pregnancy and he overpowers the family and takes them hostage. then the police chase you and the hamster, who's now driving across state lines. yeah thats the making of a blockbuster i tell ya;) ftl, r u ok? should we call 911???  This message was edited by Faceman on 4-5-01 @ 11:01 AM | ||||
| HOSPITALIANO | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 11:11 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | Where's the part of the story where you pull the G.I. Joe out of the Hamster's ass? They roll on their back to beat it?  SPAZ may be dead, but Kevin is an Immortal Asshole! E-Mail Me Adopted Newbies: Matchbox20Money, paulie da bus driver and MONGO!!! This message was edited by HOSPITALIANO on 4-5-01 @ 11:12 AM | ||||
| WNEWs GIRL i don't have a mule but i have a cock Intercontinental Intergender Thumb Wrestling Champion CUNT ROCKETTE The new "third". AmyMohrBuddy One line in my sig is absolutely fucking disgusting, see if you can find it. | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 11:15 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Aug. 00 | thats sick but very funny dude sorry to had to give ur son's hampster a handy WHATEVER BEN -----------------------------------------------------------------  THESKANKWHOHANGSUPTHEPHONE I'M ON THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS! CUCKOO CUCKOO :::TEEN STALKER::: 1 more of the gang to go, guess who that is "The best lessons in life are also the most painful" | ||||
Nay. We are but men. ROCK. The man with the plan. | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 11:17 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | quote: Well, I'm actually thinking I'd pay the $8.50 to go see YOUR version of the hamster story, Face, so you decide how okay I am. :) Me droogies: Two positions currently available. | ||||
| fatty chopped meat | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 11:43 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | quote: that comment was funnier that the f-ing story.... very good FTL!!! LMAO  formerly adopted by OPAK | ||||
...And now the battle between us and them has begun. JYD-4-LIFE. | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 11:59 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: May. 00 | we could entitle it, "revenge of the hamster:when hand jobs turn bad" shit the way we are going this may be a fox special. we could get the hamster from eddie murphy's dr. doolittle to star in it, he did a good job acting in that movie. :) | ||||
| Canthandlemybooty | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 12:07 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Mar. 01 | HAHAHAHA...I was in a bad mood before but that just snapped me right out of it!! LOLOLOL.....too funny!!! Adopted by Drunk Boy :) | ||||
| GrkqtOandAfan Claim staked by FTL. | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 12:19 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | Well that was alot funnier then the hamster story I have. My freakin hamsters blew up and I am not joking!  "What are we going to do about this? "OA.com Where the men become boys and the women are play toys" | ||||
...And now the battle between us and them has begun. JYD-4-LIFE. | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 12:23 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: May. 00 | you know, some people just have a story for everything dont they ;)sort of like when you tell someone you have an illness and they say, oh ive had that before, its not that bad ;) | ||||
Nay. We are but men. ROCK. The man with the plan. | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 12:23 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | quote: Gotta keep 'em out of the microwave, QT. Me droogies: Two positions currently available. | ||||
| GrkqtOandAfan Claim staked by FTL. | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 12:28 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | lol damn you Face, you are like a thorn in my side ;-) FTL i didnt put them in the microwave...lol My uncle took nailpolish and painted a flourescent pink stripe down my white little albino hamster Stewey's back. So the other 2 hamsters Betty and I forgot the others name, tried to help him lick it off. Well I think the paint had like a chemical reaction in their stomachs because the next morning all that was in the cage was hamster guts splattered on the habitrail...sorry for being so graphic "What are we going to do about this? "OA.com Where the men become boys and the women are play toys" | ||||
| danked Dankarella! | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 12:31 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Aug. 00 | when did this board turn into the Reader's Digest? | ||||
| HOSPITALIANO | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 12:34 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | Exploding Hamsters????? COOL!!! SPAZ may be dead, but Kevin is an Immortal Asshole! E-Mail Me Adopted Newbies: Matchbox20Money, paulie da bus driver and MONGO!!! | ||||
| Rog2K | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 1:03 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | quote: I can think of another place you need to keep hampsters out of. I'm sure GonzoStyle can elaborate in one of his threads.... "The ass-f's need to be crushed."-Buttmunch | ||||
Nay. We are but men. ROCK. The man with the plan. | posted on 04-05-2001 @ 1:15 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | Holy shit... I've never heard of THAT. I'm gonna go buy hamsters after work. Kidding. :) I am, however, very concerned. If you put the hamster explosion story together with Rog's feltching idea, Gonzo will have a happy fucking weekend. Me droogies: Two positions currently available. | ||||
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Displaying 1-25 of 57 messages in this thread. |