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Displaying 1-12 of 12 messages in this thread. |
| Posted By | Discussion Topic: Just in case you wanted to read my e-mail.... | ||||
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| MaynardGKrebs | posted on 06-27-2001 @ 10:16 AM |    | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Jan. 01  | Food for Thought Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content. Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they know me here. "I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" "I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner." I see your IQ test results were negative. Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. I have learned there is little difference in wives, so you might as well keep the first. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date! "Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom? "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning." I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18." Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?" "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?" Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport! My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. | ||||
| DasDoomper | posted on 06-27-2001 @ 10:21 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jun. 01 | LOL, some of those I have never read before! (surprising, since I get that spam all the time from people still adicted to AOL) DasDoomper  | ||||
| spitfire421 | posted on 06-27-2001 @ 10:22 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Dec. 00 | OK, I'll play along cuz I got a pretty good one today: Signs That You Live in the Year 2001: 1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 6. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 7. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website. 8. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 9. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 10. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 11. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 13. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it. 15. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 16. You wake up at 2:00 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed 17. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 19. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 20. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ;>) ;>)  This message was edited by spitfire421 on 6-27-01 @ 10:24 AM | ||||
| whichwaymediumorrare | posted on 06-27-2001 @ 10:29 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Apr. 01 | okay im in"">In case you needed further proof that the human race > > > is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label > > > instructions on consumer goods. > > > > > > 1. On Sears hairdryer: > > > "Do not use while sleeping." > > > (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) > > > > > > 2. On a bag of Fritos: > > > "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." > > > (Evidently, the shoplifter special.) > > > > > > 3. On a bar of Dial soap: > > > "Directions: Use like regular soap." > > > (And that would be how...?) > > > > > > 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: > > > "Serving suggestions: Defrost." > > > (But it's *just* a suggestion.) > > > > > > 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): > > > "Do not turn upside down." > > > (DOH! too late!) > > > > > > 6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: > > > "Product will be hot after heating." > > > (As night follows the day...) > > > > > > 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: > > > "Do not iron clothes on body." > > > (But wouldn't this save even more time?) > > > > > > 8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: > > > "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this > > > medication." > > > (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents > > > if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off >those > > > forklifts.) > > > > > > 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: > > > "Warning: May cause drowsiness." > > > (One would hope.) > > > > > > 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: > > > "For indoor or outdoor use only." > > > (As opposed to what?) > > > > > > 11. On a Japanese food processor: > > > "Not to be used for the other use." > > > (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) > > > (Pureeing Toads???) > > > > > 12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: > > > "Warning: Contains nuts." > > > (NEWS FLASH) > > > > > > 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: > > > "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." > > > (Step 3: Fly Delta.) > > > > > > 14. On a child's Superman costume: > > > "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." > > > (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.) > > > > > > 15. On a Swedish chain saw: > > > "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." > > > (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? Good grief.) > > > > > > 16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: > > > "Do not use on food." > > > (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's okay honey just grab the > > > Palmolive!) > > > > > > 17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: > > > "If swallowed contact poison control." > > > (Oh please. Have you ever heard about someone > > > dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?) > > > > > > 18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: > > > "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine." > > > (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids.)  ADOPTED BY FILZY | ||||
| MaynardGKrebs | posted on 06-27-2001 @ 10:31 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Jan. 01 | Well, since I have to be subjected to it, so do you...... The Secrets of Women's Language - A must-read for any man Keywords and their meanings: "Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. "Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. "Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. "Loud Sigh": This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". "Soft Sigh": Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. "Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them. "That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. "Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". "Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome. "Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing". I hope this clears up any misunderstandings... | ||||
USA Autoban Head Slap... Swim Move... | posted on 06-27-2001 @ 10:41 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Oct. 00 |   | ||||
| whichwaymediumorrare | posted on 06-27-2001 @ 10:47 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Apr. 01 | oh wait i got one more today""I think you can relate to this.... > YOU KNOW YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL IN THE 70's IF: >1. You wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow >went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other. >2. You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobbie Easy Bake Oven. >3. You washed them down with The Snoopy Snow Cone Machine. >4. You had that Fisher Price Doctor's kit with a stethoscope that >actually worked. >5. You owned a schwin bicycle with a floral banana seat and a basket. >Your Holly Hobby sleeping bag was your most prized possession. >6. You wore a "poncho" with your faux fur "muff" and toe socks with >your clogs. >7. You begged Santa for the electronic game...Simon. >8. You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color. >9. You kept losing your mittens so your Mom bought you the kind that >were attached by a string. >10. Your Hello Kitty pencil case was cuter than anyone else's. >11. You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad. >12. You wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffled >shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture. >13. You wanted your first kiss to be at the roller rink. >14. Your hairstyle was described as having "wings". >15. Strawberry Shortcake and her friends Blueberry Muffin and >Huckleberry Pie. >16. You carried a Muppets lunch box to school. >17. Every now and then "Its A Hard Knock Life" will pop into your brain >and you can't stop singing it all day. >18. You thought unicorns were real. >19. It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of >Oz" would come on TV. >20. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. >21. You loved The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe so much you got the >whole Chronicles of Narnia series for Christmas but never read the other >books. >22. You completely wore-out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, Footloose > >and Flashdance soundtrack albums. >23. You tried to do lots of arts and crafts things, like yarn and >Popsicle stick God's Eyes or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom. >24. Shrinky-dinks! >25. What was so appealing about these? >26. I still remember how the oven smelled when they were "baking". >27. You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable > >tape recorder up to the speaker. >28. You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you >ordered books from the Scholastic book orders your teacher would give you. >Remember? >29. The order catalogs looked like miniature newspapers. >30. You learned everything you needed to know about girl Issues from >Judy Blume books. Are you there God? It's Me Margaret. >31. Care Bears. >32. You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics. > >33. Friendship pins which you wore on your tennis shoes. >34. Shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs. >35. You wore knickers. >36. You collected Smurfs. >37. You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer. ADOPTED BY FILZY | ||||
| mikeWOW | posted on 06-27-2001 @ 4:42 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | hey thats really good dude "i hate people that dont get it!" | ||||
| SpiritOfDirt | posted on 06-27-2001 @ 4:54 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: May. 01 | I do this with a chili joke last week and I get put in the barrel. I see how you people work now. Damn my youthfulness on this board. THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN ISOLATED .......Proud graduate of the Spitfire421 school of altered reality....... | ||||
| WNEWs GIRL i don't have a mule but i have a cock Intercontinental Intergender Thumb Wrestling Champion CUNT ROCKETTE The new "third". AmyMohrBuddy One line in my sig is absolutely fucking disgusting, see if you can find it. | posted on 06-28-2001 @ 10:15 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Aug. 00 | im sure many of you have seen this before.... Payback Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, he was pissed. So, he wrote on the back of the photo: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents. (Paybacks' a Bitch ain't it!!?!!) WHATEVER BEN -----------------------------------------------------------------  I'M ON THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS! Famous Giant Hot Dog Molester "The best lessons in life are also the most painful" I love Danilo! Dont hate me because I'm different... Hate me because I like to piss people like you off | ||||
| skitchr4u G.O.O.F.B.A.H.G.S. Xtreme Skiing Assualt Force | posted on 06-28-2001 @ 10:27 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Dec. 00 | just got this one this morning, its old but makes me laugh: One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"  AIM: SkiT4you First Member of the JWO | ||||
| Arpikarhu Harmless Teddy I wish Maynard was still posting here so I could implant my head up his ass. Needle dick, bear salesman. I think I'm a revolutionary. Actually, I'm a one trick pony. I enjoy C&BT | posted on 06-28-2001 @ 11:46 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Apr. 01 | this thread went from funny lists to stale old jokes in mach 3. Arpi Karhu Kauppias Forever!!! graduted by CRXGIRL  Master of the Air Guitar !!!! | ||||
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