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| Posted By | Discussion Topic: For all you jerkoffs and clitpoppers | ||||
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| Sir Okonkwo | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 2:33 AM |    | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jun. 01  | Yes, it has been brought to my attention that you, the people of OpieAnthony.com, have a serious problem, one that can cause great harm to your health and well being. Well, fear no more, for I am here to help ease your suffering. No longer shall you walk the streets in shame and disgust. Ladies and gentlemen (and I use that term loosely), the solution to all of life's problems... Mark E. Petersen Council of the 12 Apostles Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been, both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so. This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision, the problem will be greatly reduced at once. But it must be more than a hope or a wish, more than knowing that it is good for you. It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind that you will be cured, then you will have the strength to resist any tendencies which you may have and any temptations which may come to you. After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines: A Guide to Self-Control: 1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. 2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company. 3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things. 4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present. 5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you. 6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak. 7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act. 8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethern [sic, Cistern too?]. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities. 9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it. As one meets with his Priesthood Leader, a program for overcoming masturbation can be implemented using some of these suggestions. Remember it is essential that a regular report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated. Suggestions: 1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest. 2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing. 3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge. 4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. Until you commit yourself to never again you will always be open to temptation. 5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations. 6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents. 7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. 8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc. 9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have no black days. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months. 10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities. 11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. 12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers. 13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity. 14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring. 15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night. 16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding. 17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement. 18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases. 19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep. 20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress. 21. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Satan Never Gives Up. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment. Peace and blessings, Sir Okonkwo, your helper Note: This is meant for entertainment purposes only.  | ||||
This status is sponsored by: P®oJë©T M@¥hέm I Mod VG's ass! | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 2:39 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | words words words words words too much words.... someone get me the Cliff notes please Professional Slacker I should get paid for this crap... | ||||
| crx girl Newbie! vg Y's me ugo girl Limey Mothercocker | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 3:04 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | but i like playing with my meat pocket An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come. --Victor Hugo regardless of my status, i am a nice person. no really, i am, i swear;) crack hitler belongs to me :) | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 4:39 AM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | ok but answer me this punk what if i like to shove glass rods in my urethra and smack my penis on a rock and i cum withoiut touching it? what if i shove my penis in a bee hive and shake it around to aggrivate them? what if i rub my puss filled diseased penis in a batch of poison ivy and scratch it till i cum? what if i rub my penis with a cheesegrater? what if i shove barbed wire in my peehole until it comes out my ass then i floss out my anus and colon? what if i like to slice my penis open with a stankley knife and slip my rape tool into a jar of tobasco sauce? what if i like to rub tuna oil on my balls and have my cat lick it off while i rub my blood mule on its furry head? answer me these question proffesor.   It Is Only When You Begin To Fear Death That You Finally Learn To Appreciate Life. Because I Take No Joy In Taking A Life If The Person Doesn't Give A Fuck About Living. Abashed The Devil Stood And Felt How Awful Goodness Is She-Mail Me Here | ||||
| Sir Okonkwo | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 5:00 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jun. 01 | Professor Late Night here (GonzoStyle...you are a disturbed individual). Engage in all that you enjoy, if it does not involve genetals, it is not masturbation. As long as a thorn bush rapes your urethra, as long as it is accidental, it is not masturbation. If a cheesegrater happens upon your scrotum, as long as God's will is involved, it is not masturbatory. As long as my barbecue grill remains separated from your testicles, that is God's will. Read the Book Of Mormons. Glad to help. | ||||
| Arpikarhu Harmless Teddy I wish Maynard was still posting here so I could implant my head up his ass. Needle dick, bear salesman. I think I'm a revolutionary. Actually, I'm a one trick pony. I enjoy C&BT | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 9:40 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Apr. 01 | quote: what if touching myself is my daily exercise? i am so confused Arpi Karhu Kauppias Forever!!! graduted by CRXGIRL  | ||||
| TheGooch Mullet Master Yo Gooch, Moron here... how's that for some fucked up shit... Fez is giving you status... Karma sucks, huh? | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 9:54 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | Will you be telling us how to hump Dolphins nexT????  | ||||
| Doc Smith I Love Anthony Zinni | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 9:56 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | quote:::Confused Dog Face:: So I pull my pud because I eat too much chili? I love the Mormons. Their mantra: If it feels good, stop. (OK, I ripped that off Adam Ferrara, but I don't think he'll mind)  I can levitate birds. No one cares. | ||||
| Grumpy SAGILLID The Midget Message Board Mauler rides his trusty mount Wilbur once again!! Internet Idiots beware!! | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 9:57 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Dec. 00 | he lost me after opieanthony.com. I gotta go with the stoner on this, can someone put the reader's digest version up?  If you're having problems with your sig pic site host, feel free to go here: Visit this Website Newest member of Grumpy's home for demented and psychotic midgets: ms moneypenny. Any and all inappropriate behaviour should be reported to me. | ||||
| Filzy Stand up straight Stomach in Shoulders back SOUND OFF!!! | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 11:03 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | *laughs* Yeah, sure, like I'm gonna listen to a bunch of guys from Utah who condone bigamy! Okonkwo has done it again. Where the fuck doeshe come up with this kind of shit? Gonzo, comment?  OA.com's headhunter and big brother to a select few One sucessful graduate: whichwaymediumorrare And a brand new headhunter in training: Short hills mall | ||||
| Nana's Precious | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 11:10 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | quote: let me get this straight....masturbation=bad....incest=good?  "what, I thought we were all just having fun..." guardian of f_tarded | ||||
| Cap'n Fudge | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 11:10 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | Filzy, You beat me to it! Mormons don't masturbate because they have enough wives to avoid the "headache/Aunt Flo" problem... I hate this job! I hate this goddamn job and I don't need it!!!  capnfudge@opieanthony.com People say that I neglect my responsibilities But I don't mind cause I'll live longer. Need Adoption??? Now accepting applications for the crew. | ||||
| King f-tard | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 11:49 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Feb. 01 | quote: See, OJ should have been a Mormon. Then we would have never heard about Judge Ito.  | ||||
| WoundedAngel Absolutely spectacular, and 1337 as hell. | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 4:03 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | quote: I guess this means I can't post anymore...  | ||||
| Nana's Precious | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 4:35 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | quote: someone put an end to this madness......... "what, I thought we were all just having fun..." guardian of f_tarded | ||||
| TheGooch Mullet Master Yo Gooch, Moron here... how's that for some fucked up shit... Fez is giving you status... Karma sucks, huh? | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 4:51 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | Mormons suck. | ||||
| WhatsInMyPants | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 9:33 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Sep. 00 | i had a nice little response ready to type, but gonzo rattled my brain and its gone. | ||||
| IAmMighty | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 9:39 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Sep. 00 | quote: No Mormon material on this board. quote: How about a blow up doll? I'm not touching myself.  "Stared at the Mendi Gossamer for too long!" | ||||
| MrQuotes NO!!! You can't have any smiley faces in your status!!! G.O.O.F.B.A.H.G.S. Missile Command | posted on 07-17-2001 @ 9:57 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Nov. 00 | ive said it once and ill say it again mormons = comedy
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| Whackbag | posted on 07-18-2001 @ 2:12 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Sep. 00 | Clitpoppers, what a horrible term for something so hot. Fortunately CRX was able to reverse this turn off with the quote: | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 07-18-2001 @ 2:42 AM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | quote: I agree with the latter and i thought this was the morons guide to masturbation. Cause i know FN touches himself a lot. It Is Only When You Begin To Fear Death That You Finally Learn To Appreciate Life. Because I Take No Joy In Taking A Life If The Person Doesn't Give A Fuck About Living. Abashed The Devil Stood And Felt How Awful Goodness Is She-Mail Me Here | ||||
| Sir Okonkwo | posted on 07-18-2001 @ 3:21 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jun. 01 | So let me get this straight...I try to help you people out, and you make fun of my church. FINE. I'll go bury my head in the chests of my seven wives, and cry my eyes out. Go eat your spicy foods, and shower with the door closed. See what GOD cares... Love, Sir Okonkwo, YOUR Mormon missionary and personal savior | ||||
| WoundedAngel Absolutely spectacular, and 1337 as hell. | posted on 07-18-2001 @ 2:49 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | No, you are right Sir Okonkwo. we are all dirty dirty people!quote: STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP  | ||||
Displaying 1-23 of 23 messages in this thread. |