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+--- Thread: Joke (/showthread.php?tid=1205)
Joke - Rooner - 08-20-2003
Has sound.
http://www.finerside.com/la-rape-show/larapeshow.htm
Joke - The Brain - 08-20-2003
What's the ideal breakfast for a man?
He's sitting at the table eating Eggs Benedict, his son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties, his mistress is on the cover of the new Penthouse, and his wife on the back of the milk carton.
Joke - Rooner - 08-20-2003
DAYVORCE
A farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."
The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer
said, "No, I ain't got a case, but I got a John Deere."
The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge.
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere."
The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The
farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."
The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants one of those dayvorces."
Joke - Grumpy - 08-20-2003
what do you get when you cross a 420 with a jew?
A superintendant who thinks he owns the building. (it's a puerto rican joke....get it?)
how do you stop Brain from jumping up and down on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling....
How do you get him down?
Call over the mexicans and tell them it's a pinata party.
How many Turks does it take to change a lightbulb?
What the fuck is a lightbulb?
Joke - Rooner - 08-20-2003
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4.Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's screw' is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair - You do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you.
Joke - The Brain - 08-20-2003
There once was a gal from Toronto
who wanted some orgasms-- pronto
So she hiked up her skirt
then fucked 'til it hurt
And came on each cock she jumped onto.
There once was a poster named Lent
whom everyone began to resent
'Til he said, "That's it,
I'm leaving-- I quit!"
...Five minutes later he was back to repent.
:lol::lol::lol:
Joke - Meatwad - 08-20-2003
bravo brain. those last two brought tears to my eyes.
Joke - The Brain - 08-20-2003
Quote:Originally posted by MeatwadAs long as I bring tears of joy and laughter to the dancing meaty one, all is right in the world. :nod:
bravo brain. those last two brought tears to my eyes.
There once was a young gal named Ninny
who's voice was just a tad whiny
So to keep her mouth shut,
Ken put his dick up her butt
She said, "You know, you're awfully tiny."
Joke - Grumpy - 08-20-2003
There once was a guy name Brain
Who's underwear always has a shit stain
He thought he was white
and he thought he could fight
til amy beat him up and how he's in pain...
there was an old man named GIP
who thought the ladies were all a trip
when Hottie gave him a twinkie
he pulled out his winkie
and put it right on her lips
Joke - The Brain - 08-20-2003
There was once was an old dwarf named Grumpy
Whose presence made the other dwarves jumpy
In the darkness that night,
he tried raping Snow White
And ended up fucking Dopey in his brown dumpy.