An open letter to Eddie Murphy...

[The Brain]

Dear Mr. Murphy:

I have been a fan of yours since I was old enough to catch reruns of your epic performances on <i>Saturday Night Live</i>. The <i>48 Hours</i> and <i>Beverly Hills Cop</i> series rank high on my list on all-time comedic films, as does <i>Trading Places</i>.

<i>Eddie Murphy: Raw</i> may go down as the single greatest comedy act in film history.

So, on the unlikely chance that you are Googling your name every now and again, and somehow come across this missive, I have but one thing to ask of you:

Why is that you have simply <b>stopped being funny</b>?

This is not a slight on you... then again, perhaps it is. It's like you've just hit an OFF switch on your comedic talent. <i>Pluto Nash</i>? <i>Daddy Day Care</i>? <i>Dr. Doolittle... and its sequel</i>? Talking to dogs and llamas? What were you thinking?

<a href=http://www.empiremovies.com/movies/2003/the_haunted_mansion.shtml target=new>And why on God's green earth have you associated yourself with a movie based on a Walt Disney theme ride?</a> Wasn't that insipid Country Bear movie they made about a year ago indication that perhaps it would be a bad idea?

I mean, please read the taglines attached to your movie:

Workaholic real-estate agent Jim Evers (Murphy) drags his family up to the big, creepy Gracey mansion in hopes of rebuilding it into a lavish new condo development. When they get there, however, the family quickly finds that they're not alone… not when 999 grim, grinning ghosts come out to socialize! With all these happy haunts that won't leave until their unfinished business has been completed, it's up to Jim to break the curse – and rediscover a family that needs him – before the clock strikes 13.

<b>999 grim, grinning ghosts</b>? This is what you've reduced yourself to?

Is this an afteraffect of the <i>Nutty Professor</i> flicks? Do you now feel that the only way you can continue doing movies is by playing soft and kid-friendly roles?

Or worse yet, is this your way of penance for that whole transvestite in your car thing? 'Cause I hope you know, we've all moved on from that. If Paul Reubens could recover his career from spanking out a batch in a porn theater, you can definitely make a comeback from giving "her" a lift home.

Please, Mr. Murphy, all I-- and hopefully, what few of your fans are left-- ask is that you bring back the <i>old</i> Eddie Murphy. You know, the one whose comedy Bill Cosby thinks is bad for us. We wanna hear you say "motherfucker", we want you and Judge Reinhold ending up in a strip club somewhere, ogling some strippers' humongous (and clearly <b>R-rated</b>) breasts, and you give that infamous trademark laugh of yours.

And besides that, Judge Reinhold needs some freakin' work. Help the guy out already.

Please, sir, before it's too late.

Sincerely,

<i>a devoted fan (of the funny version of you)</i>