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 Displaying 1-25 of 30 messages in this thread. |
| Posted By | Discussion Topic: Jokes | ||||
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| Tequila Fez claims this land in the name of Portugal! Why worry about the train if it never makes it around the tracks?? IrishAlkey wuz here!!! | posted on 03-21-2001 @ 8:15 PM |    | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Jan. 01  | I found this ammusing. Thank god I needed a laugh today:( This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new life, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going Coochy Cooh...?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, Honey Pie...but the bar you know...the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying,"You want a frozen glass Puppy Face?" She takes a mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that. ..." "You want dirty words Cutie Pie?...HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS BEFORE I SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"  | ||||
| geedagreek | posted on 03-21-2001 @ 8:18 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Sep. 00 | tequila that was a good one,lol..... maybe vos cansteal that one from you.... official drunk driver of the fuck truck.... | ||||
| TFEC Coming Soon!!! The Grand Opening of The Junkyard Bar & Grill! | posted on 03-21-2001 @ 9:39 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple, with much convincing from the wife, decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1,2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. NOTE: This medical procedure also works in Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky parts of SW Pennsylvania and Palm Beach County. FUCK 5 MINUTES!!! THE BOMBING STARTS NOW!!!!!!!!!!! LONG LIVE SYNDICATION UNDERGROUND!!! LET'S GO DEVILS!!!! LET'S GO GIANTS!!!! | ||||
| TFEC Coming Soon!!! The Grand Opening of The Junkyard Bar & Grill! | posted on 03-26-2001 @ 7:00 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | FARTBALL A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?" She replies, "Touchdown, tie score." The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides." FUCK 5 MINUTES!!! THE BOMBING STARTS NOW!!!!!!!!!!! LONG LIVE SYNDICATION UNDERGROUND!!! LET'S GO DEVILS!!!! LET'S GO GIANTS!!!! | ||||
| 1st Sgt. Fil Stand up straight Stomach in Shoulders back SOUND OFF!!! | posted on 03-26-2001 @ 7:04 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | What do you call a female clone? A clunt! (That old gag) SUCK I won't change for anyone, MY Keep fighting until I'm done DICK I have a right to be myself, And you can all go fuck yourselves!  | ||||
| Tequila Fez claims this land in the name of Portugal! Why worry about the train if it never makes it around the tracks?? IrishAlkey wuz here!!! | posted on 03-26-2001 @ 9:33 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Jan. 01 | Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. Why do women call it PMS? A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches. Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A. Well-hung. Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A: The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind. | ||||
| TFEC Coming Soon!!! The Grand Opening of The Junkyard Bar & Grill! | posted on 03-26-2001 @ 10:52 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | What's the difference between like, love and showing off? Like=spit Love=swallow Showing off=gargle FUCK 5 MINUTES!!! THE BOMBING STARTS NOW!!!!!!!!!!! LONG LIVE SYNDICATION UNDERGROUND!!! LET'S GO DEVILS!!!! LET'S GO GIANTS!!!! | ||||
| bright eyes | posted on 03-27-2001 @ 12:01 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Dec. 00 | GOLF Two women were playing golf one sunny Saturday afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men standing on the tee box on the next fairway. Sure enough, the ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands over his crotch and fell to the ground in agony. The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize. "Please allow me to help," she begged. "I'm a professional physiotherapist and I can quickly relieve your pain." "No, I'll be okay, just give me a minute," he said, as he rolled on the ground in the fetal position, still clasping his hands over his crotch. The woman persisted, and insisted she could help, so the man finally agreed. She gently took his hands away from his crotch and laid them at his side. Then, she loosened his pants and began to gently massage his privates. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he said, "but my thumb still hurts like a bitch."  | ||||
| Banana_juice | posted on 03-27-2001 @ 8:27 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | Name of Your Penis A guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?". The guy says "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for example is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just do it.' That guy at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies!" The customer looked dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks "Why TIMEX?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin, and keeps on tickin." A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly says, "FORD, because 'Quality is job one." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The customer says, "Because IT'S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!' proud graduate of Newbie University. Honor Student of Lord Magus's class. E-Mail Me | ||||
| TFEC Coming Soon!!! The Grand Opening of The Junkyard Bar & Grill! | posted on 03-27-2001 @ 3:48 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it!! FUCK 5 MINUTES!!! THE BOMBING STARTS NOW!!!!!!!!!!! LONG LIVE SYNDICATION UNDERGROUND!!! LET'S GO DEVILS!!!! LET'S GO GIANTS!!!! | ||||
| Arthur Dent | posted on 03-27-2001 @ 3:58 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Nov. 00 | A Mother had 3 daughters who were virgins. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways". Mom fainted.  To be adopted by me, e-mail me at robert_rhoffm@yahoo.com IM only possible at night. Need to e-mail me first. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Due to the confusion from too many genres of music, we have decided to put both country music and rap music into the genre of Crap music. When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry. | ||||
| TFEC Coming Soon!!! The Grand Opening of The Junkyard Bar & Grill! | posted on 03-28-2001 @ 12:15 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a car accident. He immediately cries "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!!" The doctor goes over to the poor man's bedside and says "There's nothing to worry about. Your legs are fine. I just amputated both your arms." FUCK 5 MINUTES!!! THE BOMBING STARTS NOW!!!!!!!!!!! LONG LIVE SYNDICATION UNDERGROUND!!! LET'S GO DEVILS!!!! LET'S GO GIANTS!!!! YOU MAY NOW FUCK OFF AND DIE!!! | ||||
| Doc Smith I Love Anthony Zinni | posted on 03-28-2001 @ 1:39 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | Jesus walks into a motel and puts three nails on the counter and asks the clerk "Can you put me up for the night?" | ||||
| Napsky | posted on 03-28-2001 @ 11:04 AM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Mar. 01 | Two old people at the nursing home fall in love. After months of sneaking away in the woods behind the home, they decide they're going to try to have sex. After they finish the old man says " If I had known you were a virgin I would have done this sooner" She replies " If I had known you could still get it up I would have taken off my pantyhose!" | ||||
| TFEC Coming Soon!!! The Grand Opening of The Junkyard Bar & Grill! | posted on 03-28-2001 @ 11:38 AM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | A man comes home from work, sits down in front of the TV and says to his wife, "Gimme a beer before it starts." So she brings him a beer. Fifteen minutes later he says, "Gimme another beer before it starts." So she gets him another beer. Another fifteen minutes pass and the man says it again. This time his wife says, "Haven't you had enough? It's been half an hour and you've already had two beers. You're a drunken couch potato!!" The husband grumbles, "Now it starts." FUCK 5 MINUTES!!! THE BOMBING STARTS NOW!!!!!!!!!!! LONG LIVE SYNDICATION UNDERGROUND!!! LET'S GO DEVILS!!!! LET'S GO GIANTS!!!! YOU MAY NOW FUCK OFF AND DIE!!! | ||||
| drkn2forget | posted on 03-28-2001 @ 12:50 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Feb. 01 | First Srg Fil....I love the Carnivore references...Though I was the only one who still listened to them | ||||
| WoundedAngel Absolutely spectacular, and 1337 as hell. | posted on 03-28-2001 @ 2:28 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | Why can't Jesus eat tic-tac's? Because they fall through the holes in his hands.  | ||||
| Napsky | posted on 03-28-2001 @ 2:57 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Mar. 01 | A priest is listening to confession but he needs to use the bathroom. He asks the church custodian to listen to the confessions while he's gone. The custodian protests but the priest reassures him that all the penances are written on this cheat sheet and not to worry. The first guy comes in to be forgiven for lying. The custodian looks on the sheet- 2 hail mary's, you absolved. Next guy comes in for stealing- the sheet says 2 our fathers, you're absolved. This woman comes in and confessess to having performed a blow job. The custodian can't find it on the sheet so he yells out to the altar boy " Hey Sean. What does Father give for a blow job?" Sean says " 2 cookies and a glass of milk!" | ||||
| Barney Fife
| posted on 03-29-2001 @ 7:20 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Oct. 00 | One day in the future Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, commented Bill. The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."  | ||||
| TFEC Coming Soon!!! The Grand Opening of The Junkyard Bar & Grill! | posted on 03-29-2001 @ 2:07 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 5. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 6. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 7. They're Very Moody. 8. They leave hair everywhere. CONCLUSION: They're tiny Women in little fur coats. What is a Dog? 1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They leave their toys everywhere. 8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. 9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you. CONCLUSION: They're tiny Men in little fur coats. FUCK 5 MINUTES!!! THE BOMBING STARTS NOW!!!!!!!!!!! LONG LIVE SYNDICATION UNDERGROUND!!! LET'S GO DEVILS!!!! LET'S GO GIANTS!!!! YOU MAY NOW FUCK OFF AND DIE!!! | ||||
| Tequila Fez claims this land in the name of Portugal! Why worry about the train if it never makes it around the tracks?? IrishAlkey wuz here!!! | posted on 03-29-2001 @ 8:33 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Jan. 01 | The teacher asked the class to use the word "definitely" in a sentence. The first volunteer was Susy, who said, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher replied, "Well, that's not necessarily so. The sky can also be pink, purple, white, black, and gray." Another volunteer, Amy, said, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher replied, "Well, that's not entirely true either. Trees can also be red, yellow, orange, and brown." Another volunteer, Johnny, asked, "Teacher, do farts have chunks?" "Excuse me?", the teacher replied. "Do farts have chunks?", he asked again. "No!" said the teacher. To which Johnny replied, "Then I definitely just pooped my pants." | ||||
| Tequila Fez claims this land in the name of Portugal! Why worry about the train if it never makes it around the tracks?? IrishAlkey wuz here!!! | posted on 03-29-2001 @ 8:42 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Jan. 01 | Man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!" What the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of babies? You can't use a pitch fork to unload the bowling balls. Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school at the end of the day, she anxiously asked him how his day went. 'Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in football, and I had sex with the teacher.' 'What! How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father gets home!' Little DJ goes to his room, and when his father comes home, DJ's mom tells his father, 'I'm absolutely disgusted with DJ. He said he came top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and had sex with the teacher!' 'That's my boy' thinks his Dad. So he goes upstairs to talk to DJ. 'Don't worry about your Mom. She's a bit upset, but it sounds to me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I'm so pleased, you know that bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I'll get it for you this weekend.' 'Oh no, Dad, don't. I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a while.' I am guessing GonzoStyle is the teacher | ||||
| Tequila Fez claims this land in the name of Portugal! Why worry about the train if it never makes it around the tracks?? IrishAlkey wuz here!!! | posted on 04-02-2001 @ 5:43 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Jan. 01 | A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him........................ The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch. | ||||
| Sephiroth | posted on 04-02-2001 @ 5:51 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Dec. 00 | A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."  "In my veins courses the blood of the ancients... I am one of the rightful heirs to this planet!" "What I have shown you is reality. What you remember, that is the illusion."-Sephiroth "Jesus Christ buddy, you are WHITE! Do you live underground or something?"- Vos Have any anime questions? E-Mail Me or IM me at AIM: Hitokiri182 Go to foundry Chat, home of NUDE TEEN Chatters I am Master Shredder....I am Ninja Master | ||||
| Tequila Fez claims this land in the name of Portugal! Why worry about the train if it never makes it around the tracks?? IrishAlkey wuz here!!! | posted on 04-02-2001 @ 10:36 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Jan. 01 | One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "I didn't feel a fucking thing". | ||||
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Displaying 1-25 of 30 messages in this thread. |