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 Displaying 1-25 of 33 messages in this thread. |
| Posted By | Discussion Topic: Work Poop: When Life Gives You Lemons Make Poop | ||||
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| GonzoStyle | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 3:18 PM |    | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70  | We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the.... WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you ass well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. CRACK WHORE Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHOREinclude pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.   I like the way you stay on attack No matter what, I keep coming back And how you try to hold me down But you end up driven to the ground ... And that you say you will pray for me You realize you are prey for me She-Mail Me Here | ||||
| hangupthephoneuSKANK | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 3:25 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | LMFAO... Popped a nugget uh hehe.. I never ever take a dump at work, the bathrooms are very clean but... it's just how it goes with me. funny stuff gonzo. I'm an illegal immigrant... come and get me INS! | ||||
| adolescentmasturbator | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 3:27 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | LMAO gonzo this is going to help me in life. E-Mail Me IM me at stickysituation2 | ||||
| weinie | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 3:30 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Oct. 00 | i;d read this, but i dont have 7 months to try. | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 3:40 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | quote: sorry but please post your reply in the "complaint" forum. I saw the influx of all these new posts here and there was so much action here, not. So i try to help out and give you a read and you people are still miserable fucks. Why do i even try? Guess i should stop starting topics. I like the way you stay on attack No matter what, I keep coming back And how you try to hold me down But you end up driven to the ground ... And that you say you will pray for me You realize you are prey for me She-Mail Me Here | ||||
| CriticsLoveSnatch i know better than to ask for a status from you mean ol' mods I shall call him mini-FTL | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 3:40 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | ahh the classic Gonzo shit post...LMAO that was pretty funny "Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups" Anyone looking to be adopted IM me at Jemo123 | ||||
| Doc Smith I Love Anthony Zinni | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 3:43 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | I personally love to make a dooker at work. I get paid for doing nothing, and I don't have to worry about my boss walking in. Oh, and this was funnier when Don and Mike read this list on the air 6 months ago  | ||||
| GonzoStyle | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 3:46 PM | | |||
| Hanger-On Registered: Jan. 70 | quote: first off i don't listen to D&M, second off fuck you. third off i give up on posting make your own entertaiment, cause i am tried of rattling my brain to make some fun for you guys and all i get is slack. well have fuckin fun and lets see how you all do cause i am not here to show off i am here to make thinsg fun and you guys laugh. Enough complaint IM's, e-mails and posts i don't need it. Have fun cunts. I like the way you stay on attack No matter what, I keep coming back And how you try to hold me down But you end up driven to the ground ... And that you say you will pray for me You realize you are prey for me She-Mail Me Here | ||||
| Sephiroth | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 3:50 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Dec. 00 | hey Gonzo, you forgot one: One Option: This is when the only clean stall (ie: 2 out of 3 of them are Crack Whores) is the one closest to the door. This is very hazardous because in the event of a Watermelon or Extreamly loud gas, some noise might escape into the hallway and office outside. You return to your desk with a 100 set of eyes disgustingly staring at you. LOL, great Job Gonzo.  "In my veins courses the blood of the ancients... I am one of the rightful heirs to this planet!" "What I have shown you is reality. What you remember, that is the illusion."-Sephiroth For any and all questions you may ever have about FF, visit the Final Fantasy Shrine Have any anime questions? Send me a E-mail or IM me at AIM: Hitokiri182 Go to foundry Chat, home of NUDE TEEN Chatters This message was edited by Sephiroth on 4-27-01 @ 3:51 PM | ||||
| Doc Smith I Love Anthony Zinni | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 3:50 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Sep. 00 | Whoa dude, your tampons slightly eskew today? I was just fucking around | ||||
| FeelMyFunBags | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 4:28 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | LOL very very funny...the people around me keep on asking why the hell I keep on laughing... But about the courtesy flush...I do that even when I pee (just thought I would share).  How I'm craving you, yeah! Every time I'm near you I always want to swallow you down I'll be right here if ya' need me In my life, I'll need you here, don't ask why I'll never disappear | ||||
USA Autoban Head Slap... Swim Move... | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 4:40 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Oct. 00 | GonzoStyle:  Chef Corpse Boyardee is bringing the food, don't worry! < | ||||
| Bartman | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 4:50 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Dec. 00 | Gonzo now what is the strategy for school when you have to go and you are gone for a little bit and everyone asks u where you where and the whole bathroom is a mess??? what should be done in those situation But this post is funny as hell  Visit my webpage you can also email me E-Mail Me | ||||
| hornygoatweed23 I've Got A Vagina With Teeth. G.O.O.F.B.A.H.G.S. Dragoon Battalion My friends call me Weed | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 5:05 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | quote: Now, we know thats not true Gonzo - don't let 'em get you down. This was the funniest goddamn thing I read today, moreso because I happened to walk into the men's room here earlier, and stepped right into a haze of shit. Someone (he left before I got there, probably just before) lit the place up something fierce. Ever walk in, and have to take a leak so bad you'd rather hold your breath through the stench than try to make it to the other men's room on the next floor?  | ||||
| hangupthephoneuSKANK | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 5:10 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | Gonzo, please come down... we need your briliant posting to make this board fun... it's not like we all listens to D&M... I don't. there must be something else tha is making you feel frustrated... would you like to share with us?... you see?... everyone goes through some rough times here and there, buttmunch for example, is a very domestic kind of guy. all we are left to do is wonder where he is whenever he is not online... well, thanks to technology we are now able to know that... a hidden camera place inside this woman's dildo which was resting a the top of her fridge... gave us this pic...  -:)I'm sorry to show your real self on the board like this but, people were killing themselves wondering where you might have been... another person that you may not believe but, has his soft side, is Mr. CorpseGJ. ...you may think that he is inside a mosh pit most of the time, yeah well, that might be true. However, he spends some time....  ...cooking, by the way Corpse, i can't wait untill the Official board party where you will be catering it... "NICE"... ...any chance you will tell us what kinda food you will bring for us?... looking foward for that.:) -as for wenie giving you shit, don't listen to him... I offered him a copy of one of these on a different thread...  ...so he could read it and learn come good manners on this board... by the way wenie... do not reply to this or any other thread untill you read one of these books.. deek... ... what I'm trying to say here gonzo, is that everyone feels like nobody gives them the deserved attention. relaxe bro... we are here for you. *if by any chance I offended any of the mods, it was ment as a joke. I'm sorry* -may we now go back to our regular posting- I'm an illegal immigrant... come and get me INS! This message was edited by hangupthephoneuSKANK on 4-27-01 @ 8:41 PM | ||||
| FoundryMusicMatt | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 5:44 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Dec. 00 | You guys are missing a crucial point..quote: Doc Smith admitted he listens to Don & Mike. Everyone point and laugh!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Anything about her He's too stoned, Nintendo I wish that I could make her see She's just the flavor of the weak Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so fucking special I wish I was special | ||||
| The Brain | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 5:44 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Feb. 01 | Um... thanks, Skank, for that... um... yeah. :) Back to topic. Here's another one you can have for the list, GS: MUD CRAWL: If you are in a bathroom where the toilet paper dispenser obscures how much TP is left in it, and-- sure enough-- you don't have enough to finish your business, you have very few options. Ask someone else in there for TP? No chance; too embarrassing, and if someone recognizes your voice, they'll obviously know what you're up to. Hope the bathroom is empty, and sneak out of the stall you're in and into one with hopefully more TP? You could, but you seriously run the risk of being discovered with your dirty drawers around your ankles. Well the MUD CRAWL is when, if the stall walls aren't all the way to the floor, you select another unoccupied stall to crawl to and take your chances with the TP dispenser there. This is a dangerous manuever, as you still run the risk of crawling to a CRACK WHORE, or of being noticed if you don't crawl fast enough.  "ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING?" | ||||
| Sephiroth | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 5:46 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Dec. 00 | quote: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  "In my veins courses the blood of the ancients... I am one of the rightful heirs to this planet!" "What I have shown you is reality. What you remember, that is the illusion."-Sephiroth For any and all questions you may ever have about FF, visit the Final Fantasy Shrine Have any anime questions? Send me a E-mail or IM me at AIM: Hitokiri182 Go to foundry Chat, home of NUDE TEEN Chatters | ||||
| zootybang | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 5:54 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Oct. 00 | Holy shit(no pun)My family all think i'm a retard now.I have tears streaming down my face from laughing.And i already know YOU ALL think i'm a retard too,so you can skip that part in future posts where you quote that part,and then let me know that you do.Thank you for your support. VEOWEB AND GEOCITIES HATE ME God loves you.it's everyone else that thinks you're an asshole. Posting regularly,yet still a lowly lurker. I HAVE NAMED MY HELL,AND IT'S NAME IS "MASSAPEQUA" | ||||
| Kim | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 6:07 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jan. 01 | I thought it was funny... To the POOPIE HEADS that didn't like it - I hope you're blessed with eternal constipation! lol  | ||||
USA Autoban Head Slap... Swim Move... | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 9:13 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Oct. 00 | GonzoStyle, with all due respect, the most funniest part of this thread was the part where I banned Skank for a week. Seems he just couldn't take a hint, and he absolutely has no idea when to shut the fuck up. Ha Ha Ha. Don't worry Skank you'll be back in time for the Anniversary Party. You really don't take advice well do you? TOSS MY FUCKING SALAD! Chef Corpse Boyardee is bringing the food, don't worry! < | ||||
| hangupthephoneuSKANK | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 9:17 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Oct. 00 | Can't you ever take a joke?... jeeez, lighten up man. I'm an illegal immigrant... come and get me INS! | ||||
The sky is blue | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 9:24 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Oct. 00 | Now I see why public executions were fun in the old days. See My Sig Pics! If you want to be adopted by me IM me at fezoanda and email me at meguyelvis@hotmail.com Currently I've adopted usofar and Bumpkinhead | ||||
USA Autoban Head Slap... Swim Move... | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 9:26 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Oct. 00 | Skank, shut the fuck up right now or it will be longer than a week. Just shut your pie hole. Chef Corpse Boyardee is bringing the food, don't worry! < | ||||
The sky is blue | posted on 04-27-2001 @ 9:28 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Veteran Registered: Oct. 00 | Skank, out of all seriousness, shut up. Oh and since you know we are the bestist of buddies: | ||||
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Displaying 1-25 of 33 messages in this thread. |