It's time for another installment of....DEAR GIPPY

[GreasyItalianPrincess]

Letter #3


<font size=5>Porn Shyster</font>





Dear GIP,

I have come to realize my guy is just plain addicted to surfing porn sites on the web and posting on messageboards, and checking dating sites. I don't believe he actually "hooks up," as he is too introverted for that, but if I allowed it, he would be there every night; as it is, when he is home, alone, he is incapable of not cruising porno sites, and inventing new online profiles. One even has a giant vagina as his picture everytime he posts. How nutty is that? So, even though he doesn't meet anyone (I'm fairly certain), to me, that's not the point, right?

If we actually did make this permanent, I would always wonder "Gee, he is home alone right now, is he folding laundry, checking his stock portfolio, watching "Space Balls"? Or, is he surfing porn sites or posting on the web? If someone can't find better things to do with their time, I seriously doubt it's boredom, but more of an "addiction." He is, after all, constantly thinking about it to the point of exhaustion.

What are your thoughts? This is a mid twenty year-old man, not a pimply teenager. I just can't help but think he is a deviant-loser, somewhere in that mind of his.

I've tried to end it twice, and he frets for weeks, calling, crying, obsessing and going on and on about how sick he feels. How he misses his favorite squirter. He hasn't slept or eaten, ya da, ya da, but there he is on this damn dating web site yet again. I know I can't change him, but is this really harmless?

Thanks!

Dumb Whore




<b>GIPPY WRITES</b>



Dear Dumb Whore,

There are really two critical questions here:

1. Is this harmless or a real problem? And even more importantly

2. Can you accept this in your life?
In other words, is this harmful to you?

Unfortunately, I can't answer the first one for you without a lot more information however, let's look at the more critical question.

Since you already know you can't change him, I won't give you that lecture. However, when negotiation for change doesn't work, our temptation is to judge the other person's behavior for whether it is right or wrong, deviant or normal, harmful or harmless. In reality, that is somewhat irrelevant, because what is irrelevant is whether it is acceptable in your life.

For instance, if I were to tell you (which I am not, this is just an example) that hanging out in porn sites on the net was totally "normal" and cited statistics of the percentages of men who are doing it, or went on to tell you that as long as he isn't meeting anyone in person, it is harmless, I doubt that you would feel any better about it because it isn't "normal" for your life.

What you need to determine is, knowing what you know, can you continue comfortably and confidently in the relationship? Can you accept this behavior (not as right or wrong) but as something that is going on in your life. If so, continue on knowing that that is just something your guy does. Period. There is nothing more to fight about, to argue about or to be upset about.

If you cannot accept it, then you need to let him know that you mean no judgement of him, that you accept that this is who he is and what he chooses to do with his time; however, it is not what you choose for your life. Thus, you are getting out of the relationship. If he whines and complains, you can explain that these are your conditions and if he can't meet them or won't get professional help with them, then with all due respect, you can't be in a relationship with him anymore.

What you absolutely must not do (but what 99.9% of us automatically do) is determine that it is not acceptable for you but you stay in the relationship anyway. This will cause you to resist him and his behavior (rather than accepting it) and will absolutely, without a doubt, kill the love in the relationship. Since he is unwilling to explore changing his behavior, your ultimate alternatives are to accept his behavior, or to get out of the relationship. Only you know which is the "right" thing to do.

Good luck, and here's my phone number if he happens to take a hike. (wink wink nudge nudge)


Kisses,

GIPPER