10-23-2002, 12:06 AM
I have no emotional response whatsoever to death, even the deaths of people close to me. It bothers me terribly that I feel absolutely nothing. I feel bad for those that are mourning, and try to comfort them when I can, but I honestly do my best to avoid people who are in that state of grief. It feels so awkward to feel nothing while a friend of family member is in emotional pain that I actually feel guilty and can not think of anything heartfelt to say, so I stay away.
The odd thing is, and this may be the actual cause of my lack of feeling, I am horrified by thoughts of my own mortality. I can not fathom that at some point the essence of "me" will just stop. Death is the one thing that we can not possibly understand in our lives. There is no way to ever find out what truly happens when you die, until you actually do, and at that point it's not like you can share the information.
The odd thing is, and this may be the actual cause of my lack of feeling, I am horrified by thoughts of my own mortality. I can not fathom that at some point the essence of "me" will just stop. Death is the one thing that we can not possibly understand in our lives. There is no way to ever find out what truly happens when you die, until you actually do, and at that point it's not like you can share the information.