Massage Parlors

[Biff]

Have you ever gotten so darned angry at work that you just had to grab $60 from petty cash and head off to a massage parlor? Me, too.

I was steamed because of a letter I had received from Joel Oxley, general manager of Washington radio station WTOP. Oxley objected to a recent column in which I criticized his station for airing ads that offered a cure for a scary-sounding-but-nonexistent medical condition. You are throwing stones from a glass house, Oxley wrote: The Post runs questionable ads, too, he contended, saying we routinely advertise "massage parlors" that everyone knows are actually houses of prostitution.

Now, other journalists might sit idly by while someone slanders their employer. Not this one. If a business advertises in The Washington Post, I say, it is legit. And so I set out to prove it.

The first thing I noted is that Happiness Tanning and Spa on 10th Street NW has not only a reputable address but a sacrosanct one. It is across the street from Ford's Theater, a couple of doors down from the sepulchral solemnity of The House Where Lincoln Died. Plus, Happiness is so classy it has only its address on the door, not its name. (Buckingham Palace doesn't have its name on the door, either.)

"Hi," I said to the middle-aged proprietress. "I saw your ad in The Washington Post. I have a crick in my neck and I was hoping your staff of trained professional massage therapists might help me."

She stood there, blinking.

"Your neck?" she said.

"Yes, a crick," I said, trying to look afflicted.

She seemed suspicious. Had her years of massage training alerted her to something fishy about my story? Wordlessly, she wheeled around and escorted me into Room 5.

I had expected one of those metal massage tables, but was pleasantly surprised instead to see two comfortable-looking beds and many towels. Lights were low. Soft rock played. Instantly, it became clear that this establishment's first concern was hygiene. "You take off your clothes," the proprietress said, "and the girl will give you a shower and a massage."

"I don't want a shower," I explained. "Just a neck rub."

"No shower?" She narrowed her eyes. "It's $40 for half hour," she said. I was impressed. This upfront discussion of fees is a common courtesy too often lacking in modern business. Gratefully, I ponied up.

"No shower," she muttered, shaking her head, shuffling away.

Next, I was escorted into another room with a bed, and was again instructed to remove all my clothes. Apparently, proper massage technique requires this, but again I demurred, since only my upper torso required treatment. I removed my shirt only. Pretty soon, my massage therapist walked in. Her name was Maya. Maya is Korean, about 22.

There is something about the bearing of a consummate professional that inspires the confidence of everyone around. I felt that way, for example, the first time I met Ben Bradlee. I felt that way about Maya, too.

I suspect I was Maya's last customer of the day: She appeared to have changed out of masseuse scrubs and was now wearing high heels and a small, shimmery mid-thigh turquoise cocktail dress -- probably to attend the opera or an evening of diplomatic receptions. Because it is inappropriate to comment on the physical appearance of a woman in the workplace, I will observe only that Maya looked trim and healthy, equal to the physical requirements of her job.

I lay prone on the bed, face in a pillow, and Maya started kneading my back with strong, confident hands. Proper massage techniques apparently required her to position herself above me, her knees on the bed on either side of my body; I realized her outfit was both elegant and practical -- the commodious slit in her dress seemed designed to facilitate this.

"So, are there any men who work here?" I asked.

"No," Maya said. "Sometimes maybe someone ask for man. We send away."

"So," I said, "I guess you get a lot of guys coming here after sports injuries or car accidents, right?"

"Sometimes, maybe," Maya said, giggling. She spoke in a husky semi-whisper, like Bacall.

She kept checking the digital clock on a table. I had paid for a half hour, and after a while she started kneading body parts not ordinarily associated with routine massage therapy, such as my ear cartilage. I suspected she was running out of things to do, no doubt because I had asked for upper-body therapy only. Most of her clients probably require additional service.

By the end of our session Maya was giggling pretty much nonstop. I appreciate a cheerful workplace environment, so I tipped her my remaining $20.

In my half hour at Happiness, I detected nothing untoward. I was not touched inappropriately. I was treated in a courteous manner by a skilled professional.

So that snide letter was a lie.

Truth is a stern mistress. Isn't it, Mr. Oxley?

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/art...Aug30.html

[beckyp]

my friend Rob got a BJ at a massage place in Ohio. he told his story with so much pride, i had no choice but to believe it.

[mainerliser]

Thanks Biff!!!

[fustercluck]

I've never been to one before. How does it work?

[Titan!]

I gave my friend Rob a BJ at a massage place in Ohio.

Fixed.

[Biff]

I've never been to one before. How does it work?

Field trip!

[beckyp]

I gave my friend Rob got a BJ at a massage place in Ohio.

Fixed.

how is that even funny? go take wedding pictures of girls you still have feelings for and use your tears to lube yourself afterwards, dipshit.

[Titan!]

awww, now I'm sad.

[elranito]

awww, now I'm sad.

Don't dish it out if you can't take it? You pretty much walked into that one.

[burnking]

Fixed.

how is that even funny? go take wedding pictures of girls you still have feelings for and use your tears to lube yourself afterwards, dipshit.

I think maybe you should be burnking
+1

[Titan!]

awww, now I'm sad.

Don't dish it out if you can't take it? You pretty much walked into that one.

I'm sorry, should I have typed the words

::THE FOLLOWING IS SARCASM AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN LITERALLY::

If I had done that would you have understood that I'm really NOT sad?

[elranito]

Don't dish it out if you can't take it? You pretty much walked into that one.

I'm sorry, should I have typed the words

::THE FOLLOWING IS SARCASM AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN LITERALLY::

If I had done that would you have understood that I'm really NOT sad?

Yes.

[Titan!]

I'm sorry, should I have typed the words

::THE FOLLOWING IS SARCASM AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN LITERALLY::

If I had done that would you have understood that I'm really NOT sad?

Yes, sometimes it is hard to differentiate between your bitching/whining and your sarcasm. That would go a long way to help clearing it up.

I'm sorry, I will try to be more clear for you in the future. For anyone else who didn't seem to notice my reply to Becky's vicious was intended as sarcasm. I apologize if I lead you to think that she really had hurt my feelings and made me sad. It was quite the opposite actually, her devastating personal attack made me laugh. Good one Becky, you sure got me. Such is the nature of internet message boards. Blah blah blah are you still reading this? Divide into small teams and outline a media strategy for the makers of Jovan Musk based on the demographic research provided for men's aftershave and cologne in exhibit 14.12. Originally I had written a post about not knowing that Biff worked for the Washington Post, I'm glad I didn't write that because you might have though that I actually did think that he did actually work there and I'm glad we didn't have to clear that up. Do you have to have all of the punch lines of every joke you hear explained? Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he left his lights on. Do you get that? Should I explain it to you? See the "humor" there is that chickens don't actually drive cars. I know it's silly. But sometimes humor is silly. HA! Do you get it now? No? Is there anything else you would like me to do to make my point more clear? Should I use a larger font so that it's easier for you to read? Do you read slow? Should I type slower too? Sorry, that was sarcasm again, It doesn't really matter how fast or slow I type, you're the one who's in charge of how fast you read.

[Queenie]

Yes, sometimes it is hard to differentiate between your bitching/whining and your sarcasm. That would go a long way to help clearing it up.

I'm sorry, I will try to be more clear for you in the future. For anyone else who didn't seem to notice my reply to Becky's vicious was intended as sarcasm. I apologize if I lead you to think that she really had hurt my feelings and made me sad. It was quite the opposite actually, her devastating personal attack made me laugh. Good one Becky, you sure got me. Such is the nature of internet message boards. Blah blah blah are you still reading this? Divide into small teams and outline a media strategy for the makers of Jovan Musk based on the demographic research provided for men's aftershave and cologne in exhibit 14.12. Originally I had written a post about not knowing that Biff worked for the Washington Post, I'm glad I didn't write that because you might have though that I actually did think that he did actually work there and I'm glad we didn't have to clear that up. Do you have to have all of the punch lines of every joke you hear explained? Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he left his lights on. Do you get that? Should I explain it to you? See the "humor" there is that chickens don't actually drive cars. I know it's silly. But sometimes humor is silly. HA! Do you get it now? No? Is there anything else you would like me to do to make my point more clear? Should I use a larger font so that it's easier for you to read? Do you read slow? Should I type slower too? Sorry, that was sarcasm again, It doesn't really matter how fast or slow I type, you're the one who's in charge of how fast you read.

Get bored much??

[Titan!]

I'm sorry, I will try to be more clear for you in the future. For anyone else who didn't seem to notice my reply to Becky's vicious was intended as sarcasm. I apologize if I lead you to think that she really had hurt my feelings and made me sad. It was quite the opposite actually, her devastating personal attack made me laugh. Good one Becky, you sure got me. Such is the nature of internet message boards. Blah blah blah are you still reading this? Divide into small teams and outline a media strategy for the makers of Jovan Musk based on the demographic research provided for men's aftershave and cologne in exhibit 14.12. Originally I had written a post about not knowing that Biff worked for the Washington Post, I'm glad I didn't write that because you might have though that I actually did think that he did actually work there and I'm glad we didn't have to clear that up. Do you have to have all of the punch lines of every joke you hear explained? Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he left his lights on. Do you get that? Should I explain it to you? See the "humor" there is that chickens don't actually drive cars. I know it's silly. But sometimes humor is silly. HA! Do you get it now? No? Is there anything else you would like me to do to make my point more clear? Should I use a larger font so that it's easier for you to read? Do you read slow? Should I type slower too? Sorry, that was sarcasm again, It doesn't really matter how fast or slow I type, you're the one who's in charge of how fast you read.

Get bored much??

Not really bored, just can't focus on the task at hand, and this is much more entertaining.

[elranito]

Yes, sometimes it is hard to differentiate between your bitching/whining and your sarcasm. That would go a long way to help clearing it up.

I'm sorry, I will try to be more clear for you in the future. For anyone else who didn't seem to notice my reply to Becky's vicious was intended as sarcasm. I apologize if I lead you to think that she really had hurt my feelings and made me sad. It was quite the opposite actually, her devastating personal attack made me laugh. Good one Becky, you sure got me. Such is the nature of internet message boards. Blah blah blah are you still reading this? Divide into small teams and outline a media strategy for the makers of Jovan Musk based on the demographic research provided for men's aftershave and cologne in exhibit 14.12. Originally I had written a post about not knowing that Biff worked for the Washington Post, I'm glad I didn't write that because you might have though that I actually did think that he did actually work there and I'm glad we didn't have to clear that up. Do you have to have all of the punch lines of every joke you hear explained? Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he left his lights on. Do you get that? Should I explain it to you? See the "humor" there is that chickens don't actually drive cars. I know it's silly. But sometimes humor is silly. HA! Do you get it now? No? Is there anything else you would like me to do to make my point more clear? Should I use a larger font so that it's easier for you to read? Do you read slow? Should I type slower too? Sorry, that was sarcasm again, It doesn't really matter how fast or slow I type, you're the one who's in charge of how fast you read.

Now, was that whole post sarcastic, or just the bit at the end?

[spoonman]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/art...Aug30.html

So did you actually write this or are you just posting it to be funny or what?

[fistor!@#]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/art...Aug30.html

So did you actually write this or are you just posting it to be funny or what?

I'm guessing he found it humorous and wanted to pass it along to share.

[mainerliser]

Spoon.....man you're dumb! -10! :-* :-* :-*

[plungerhand]

Spoon.....man you're dumb! -10! :-* :-* :-*

Have you ever called a kettle....nevermind.

[fustercluck]

back to my question.... how does it work?

[Howie Feltersnatch]

back to my question.... how does it work?

They have a 'Dutch Treat' Massage here in my town of work

[airhornahole]

back to my question.... how does it work?

They have a 'Dutch Treat' Massage here in my town of work

What's that?

They shove tulip bulbs up your ass and charge you double?

[Howie Feltersnatch]

They have a 'Dutch Treat' Massage here in my town of work

What's that?

They shove tulip bulbs up your ass and charge you double?

wooden shoe job then they keep your 'deposit' and sell it for extra $$

[airhornahole]

What's that?

They shove tulip bulbs up your ass and charge you double?

wooden shoe job then they keep your 'deposit' and sell it for extra $$

Do they at least pull out the splinters?

[plungerhand]

They have a 'Dutch Treat' Massage here in my town of work

What's that?

They shove tulip bulbs up your ass and charge you double?

As if you don't know. Next time don't put it on your credit card..

[airhornahole]

What's that?

They shove tulip bulbs up your ass and charge you double?

As if you don't know. Next time don't put it on your credit card..

Got me. OUCH. and that is ... OUCH ... good advice. Ouch. Damn splinters.

[Titan!]

I'm sorry, I will try to be more clear for you in the future. For anyone else who didn't seem to notice my reply to Becky's vicious was intended as sarcasm. I apologize if I lead you to think that she really had hurt my feelings and made me sad. It was quite the opposite actually, her devastating personal attack made me laugh. Good one Becky, you sure got me. Such is the nature of internet message boards. Blah blah blah are you still reading this? Divide into small teams and outline a media strategy for the makers of Jovan Musk based on the demographic research provided for men's aftershave and cologne in exhibit 14.12. Originally I had written a post about not knowing that Biff worked for the Washington Post, I'm glad I didn't write that because you might have though that I actually did think that he did actually work there and I'm glad we didn't have to clear that up. Do you have to have all of the punch lines of every joke you hear explained? Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he left his lights on. Do you get that? Should I explain it to you? See the "humor" there is that chickens don't actually drive cars. I know it's silly. But sometimes humor is silly. HA! Do you get it now? No? Is there anything else you would like me to do to make my point more clear? Should I use a larger font so that it's easier for you to read? Do you read slow? Should I type slower too? Sorry, that was sarcasm again, It doesn't really matter how fast or slow I type, you're the one who's in charge of how fast you read.

Now, was that whole post sarcastic, or just the bit at the end?

Yes

[Mad Dog]

I actually walked inside one once when I was 20. But I got one look at the minger slut with the split sequined skirt, found out it was gonna be 40$ and walked back out.

[uhohspagettio]

They have a 'Dutch Treat' Massage here in my town of work

What's that?

They shove tulip bulbs up your ass and charge you double?

Loved it! Airhorn's witty comment, not getting tulip bulbs shoved up my ass. +1

[spoonman]

I'm guessing he found it humorous and wanted to pass it along to share.

I still have yet to see anything funny related to this thread.

[beckyp]

I'm guessing he found it humorous and wanted to pass it along to share.

I still have yet to see anything funny related to this thread.

who are you, the funny police?

[fetusfacedwindbag]

I still have yet to see anything funny related to this thread.

who are you, the funny police?

Did you not see his pic in the "let's see you" thread?

[fistor!@#]

I'm guessing he found it humorous and wanted to pass it along to share.

I still have yet to see anything funny related to this thread.

I am terribly sorry. I'll tell them to step up their game.




Hey guys, please step up your games.

[potthole]

Will do. Spoonman, in order to step up my jokes, can you please outline what you consider to be funny?

Apparently sarcasm isn't on the list...

[fetusfacedwindbag]

My game = Stepped up

[agentsmith]

I'm going to post here just to lower the humor quotient average

[fetusfacedwindbag]

I'm going to post here just to lower the humor quotient average

I think all you have to do is read it to accomplish that goal.... :