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I fell down my basement stairs this morning.
I can't remember the last time I fell down the stairs. I don't even think I've ever fallen down stairs when I was drunk before. I did fall down a flight of three stairs when installing a screen door once, but I landed on my feet on that one.
Not so this morning. One second I was standing at the top of the stairs with my clothes in my hand, barely awake, ready to go take a shower, the next I was lying in a heap at the bottom of the steps shamefully aware of what a Effing moron I must look like. I was on my back, after having jiggled my fat ass all the way down the (thankfully) carpeted steps, my back in the first stages of feeling much rug burn pain, in nothing but my underwear, which miraculously stayed on. No injuries to report, other than I might be just ever so slightly uncoordinated. And the rug burn. Which hurts like a bitch right now.
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Fistor Wrote:I fell down my basement stairs this morning.
+1 Cause that made me laugh! ;D
Quote of the Day:
"I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system." - George Costanza
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Larry's red thing distracted you, right?
Go fuck yourself. Hard.
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Admin Wrote:Larry's red thing distracted you, right?
I tripped over it.
Also, I have not revealed that story here. So no one understands what you're talking about.
Not that they can be torn away from humping their screens in the sex thread or anything. So I guess it's no big whup.
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I fell out of the bathtub a few weeks ago. It was Saturday night and I wanted to take a shower before I went to bed. I had a little too much to drink and I was trying to find a razor and decided not to step out of the tub but just lean over the side cause the sink was right there for me to hold on to (but it's hard to hold on with a wet hand . . duh), and my foot slipped as I was getting the drawer open, and I just plopped right out onto the floor, but not before gashing my torso on the shampoo bottle on the side of the tub. I still have a scar from that.
Hey doc, do you know the address of that place?
Oh, you know, I do know the address. It's at the corner of go fuck yourself and buy a map!
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That's one long run-on sentence there Queenie! 
Go fuck yourself. Hard.
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Fistor Wrote:Also, I have not revealed that story here. So no one understands what you're talking about.
What story?
Go fuck yourself. Hard.
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Admin Wrote:Fistor Wrote:Also, I have not revealed that story here. So no one understands what you're talking about.
What story?
It's a story about my dog. It's pretty focking epic.
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Admin Wrote:That's one long run-on sentence there Queenie!
I said was a little tipsy. You know when you're drunk, you seem to remember each and every detail (most of the time) and things kinda happen in slow motion. I felt that if I didn't include every detail, you would feel like you were there!!
Hey doc, do you know the address of that place?
Oh, you know, I do know the address. It's at the corner of go fuck yourself and buy a map!
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What was the razor for?
Go fuck yourself. Hard.
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Admin Wrote:What was the razor for?
Uh . . . to shave.
Hey doc, do you know the address of that place?
Oh, you know, I do know the address. It's at the corner of go fuck yourself and buy a map!
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Oh, I thought you meant the phone.
Go fuck yourself. Hard.
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Admin Wrote:Oh, I thought you meant the phone.
Yeah . . . i was gonna take pictures!! LMAO!!
Hey doc, do you know the address of that place?
Oh, you know, I do know the address. It's at the corner of go fuck yourself and buy a map!
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Queenie Wrote:Admin Wrote:Oh, I thought you meant the phone.
Yeah . . . i was gonna take pictures!! LMAO!!
Don't worry, I took plenty. Still can't figure out that photo pail thing.
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jus' P Wrote:Queenie Wrote:Yeah . . . i was gonna take pictures!! LMAO!!
Don't worry, I took plenty. Still can't figure out that photo pail thing.
Don't you dare!
Hey doc, do you know the address of that place?
Oh, you know, I do know the address. It's at the corner of go fuck yourself and buy a map!
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A couple weeks ago my wife and I were with some friends tubing. When I was done I puked. I find it rather embarrassing that all it took to make me sick was to drag me around behind a boat while grabbing for dear life to an inflated piece of rubber.
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potthole Wrote:A couple weeks ago my wife and I were with some friends tubing. When I was done I puked. I find it rather embarrassing that all it took to make me sick was to drag me around behind a boat while grabbing for dear life to an inflated piece of rubber.
I once barfed after skiing (for the first time)
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Several years and a thousand beers ago, I got up in the early hours of the morning to use the bathroom. This was before I/we had any children and it was still safe to sleep in the buff, or so I thought. In my drunken slumber, I made a right instead of a left into the bathroom. I awoke on the front porch, peeing in the shrubs. Of course, the front door locked behind and I was forced to bang on the windows in an attempt to wake my sound asleep wife. She finally answered the door, but not before at least 2 different neighbors got a good laugh.
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jus' P Wrote:. . . it was still safe to sleep in the buff . . .
. . . as if you don't now??
Hey doc, do you know the address of that place?
Oh, you know, I do know the address. It's at the corner of go fuck yourself and buy a map!
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Show Code:
I don't like going number 2 in my master bathroom because with the new mirrors the contractor installed no matter where I look, i'm looking at myself poo.
I'm not attractive when I poo.
"Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass!"
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Howie Feltersnatch Wrote:Show Code:
I don't like going number 2 in my master bathroom because with the new mirrors the contractor installed no matter where I look, i'm looking at myself poo.
I'm not attractive when I poo.
dude there is nothing wrong with that. I went to my mother's boss' place and his wife had the entire mansion walled with mirrors... including the bathroom. well I had an emergency number 2 moment and went in and got ready to do my business then i see myself in front of myself and i look left and right and see myself at different angles, so i figure i could look up to avoid it... nope mirrors up there too.... i was like "what the fuck man this is like someone watching me take a shit, I don't like it, I was able to go and then discovered if i close my eyes it would be a lot easier.
Most annoying awkward feeling in the world.
It matters not how straight the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.
[spoiler]Shit, you took away the black bar. Put it the fuck back now![/spoiler]
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Philly Mike Wrote:Howie Feltersnatch Wrote:Show Code:
I don't like going number 2 in my master bathroom because with the new mirrors the contractor installed no matter where I look, i'm looking at myself poo.
I'm not attractive when I poo.
dude there is nothing wrong with that. I went to my mother's boss' place and his wife had the entire mansion walled with mirrors... including the bathroom. well I had an emergency number 2 moment and went in and got ready to do my business then i see myself in front of myself and i look left and right and see myself at different angles, so i figure i could look up to avoid it... nope mirrors up there too.... i was like "what the fuck man this is like someone watching me take a shit, I don't like it, I was able to go and then discovered if i close my eyes it would be a lot easier.
Most annoying awkward feeling in the world.
2 words:
Two-way mirrors.
And for any of you smart asses out there, "two-way" is a hyphenate. Hyphenate is technically one word.
"I'm glad to see those 'Worthless Whore' lessons turned out well for you."
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I find the mirrors help, you can give yourself a pep talk without feeling that pesky feeling that your insane cause your not just randomly muttering to yourself but your talking to the guy who lives in the mirror
i'm not 16, just too lazy to think of a different username, so now every site that I have this username on probably assumes im a predator of some type
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schuyler16 Wrote:you can give yourself a pep talk
a pep talk to crap? what are you passing?
"Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass!"
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Ok, here's a show code that I just remembered over the weekend...
Two of my dorms in college had bathrooms that were shared by two rooms. One toilet, one shower. There was a community bathroom on the first floor. I lived on the third floor.
There were a couple of times where our toilet was occupied, but I really needed to pee. On those occasions I'd grab one of my roommate's empty Gatorade bottles and pee in it. When done I'd tightly put the cap on, head down to our floor's study lounge, open the window, and throw it into the trash dumpster down below.
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When I was a kid I sneezed up a bunch of throat phlem into my hand.
I was in Kmart and cleaned my hand off on a woman's blouse. If you would have seen the blouse you would agree that I helped it.
"Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass!"
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