'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003

By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.

I can't decide

It's a modern world and with that there's room for modern ideas. I accept your love for each other and although I can't speak for the rest of CDIH, I just want to say that I will not look down on you or ridicule you for your lifestyle decisions. Ken, I hope you and my brother are very happy together.

I am lost.

where i will tell you what i truly think of you based upon an opinion i have formed by reading your posts.

will my darling Danked's Sister,
please forgive me?

I had to sit through "Movin' Out" instead of seeing Man of La Mancha......


the heartless bastard.

So don't go near her shirt.

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I'm bored so I thought I would start this thread.

Lesnar, by the way he landed, should either be dead or pulling up a wheelchair next to Droz. He is so lucky that he has such a big strong neck. The look in his eyes after the match when Angle went to hug him leads me to believe that at minimum he has a concussion. I would guess that his neck will be in no condition to wrestle for a while though, if he doesn't require surgery.

As for Austin, that match got rushed. After the second Rock Bottom, Austin was in serious pain. I really expected Goldberg to come out to aid Austin and set up his feud with Rock but then it seemed as though the ending was changed on the fly and that they tried to get it over with as soon as possible. I think he probably just bruised his hip but it could be worse.

he's going to be cohosting jimmy kimmel all week. should be gold :bouncer: :bouncer: